Until We Meet Again

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Emily

It’s 5 AM. My boyfriend is asleep beside me. I am trying to cry quietly so I don’t wake him up. My heart is heavy and my feelings are complicated by the extreme nausea, dizziness and fatigue I’ve been fighting this past 2 weeks. I believe it to be Hyperemesis but I feel that I am not taken seriously by my doctor. I have no appetite and most foods seem revolting. I spend as many hours asleep as possible so I don’t have to deal with the nausea, the pain, the guilt, the grief. I want nothing except to stop feeling like I’m in a fever dream.

I’m sorry if this is strictly for post abortion stories but I’m going in for mine in 30 hours and I feel compelled to write about what I’m experiencing without fear of judgment.

I had an abortion 11 years ago. I was a teenager. My boyfriend at the time was totally unsupportive and ended up breaking up with me because I chose to terminate the pregnancy. It was hell and I’m so mad at myself for letting this happen again.

Things are different this time around. I believe my current boyfriend is being as supportive as he is able to. He is in pain, too. I am afraid of what this could do to our relationship and I am afraid he is burying his feelings so as to not upset me more. When we found out I was pregnant, we were scared but cautiously optimistic and initially wanted to continue the pregnancy.

About 1 week later the extreme nausea and dizziness crept in and I began to struggle to keep food down. No appetite but my body was desperately hungry. I thought I could cope, but now it is clear to me that I cannot. I feel like I’ve been hungover for weeks. The reality of our poor financial situation and my own fragile mental health was suddenly overwhelming. How could I take care of a baby feeling like this? If I can’t even afford to take myself to the dentist, what kind of life can I expect to provide my child?

I’m so sorry baby. You don’t have a brain yet but your heart is beating and that is like a knife in my own heart. Who would you have been? What if everything had miraculously worked out and your dad and I were able to provide you with a wonderful life and so much love?

I want to believe that I am just putting you on “pause” until I am in a position to have you — in a position to fight through sickness for you. I wish the doctor could take you out of me and put you in a tiny incubator, keep you warm and living but never growing until I am ready to carry you again. This is not possible and I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I love you. Your dad loves you. We will all have one more night together and then we have to say goodbye. When we are able to bring a child into the world I hope a little piece of you will live on through him or her. Until then my little one. ❤

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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2 responses to “Until We Meet Again”

  1. Addy


    I know it’s 8 months later, but your post really stuck out to me. I’m going to have my consultation appointment for my abortion tomorrow. (Laws where I am make you wait 48 hours). I have HG and that is my reasoning for going this route. I wanted this baby, it was tried for, but my husband and I cannot afford to deplete all of our savings for the baby, before the baby even gets here due to ER visits for fluids. It’s been an awful experience for a first pregnancy. And we have decided we will not try again for fear of subsequent HG pregnancies. It all just seems so unfair. I was wondering how you were doing, after this time?

  2. Jennifer

    Hi Emily I hope you are doing well. I know it’s hard. I’d love see how you are doing.

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