Until We Meet Again

Submitted by: Emily

It’s 5 AM. My boyfriend is asleep beside me. I am trying to cry quietly so I don’t wake him up. My heart is heavy and my feelings are complicated by the extreme nausea, dizziness and fatigue I’ve been fighting this past 2 weeks. I believe it to be Hyperemesis but I feel that I am not taken seriously by my doctor. I have no appetite and most foods seem revolting. I spend as many hours asleep as possible so I don’t have to deal with the nausea, the pain, the guilt, the grief. I want nothing except to stop feeling like I’m in a fever dream.

I’m sorry if this is strictly for post abortion stories but I’m going in for mine in 30 hours and I feel compelled to write about what I’m experiencing without fear of judgment.

I had an abortion 11 years ago. I was a teenager. My boyfriend at the time was totally unsupportive and ended up breaking up with me because I chose to terminate the pregnancy. It was hell and I’m so mad at myself for letting this happen again.

Things are different this time around. I believe my current boyfriend is being as supportive as he is able to. He is in pain, too. I am afraid of what this could do to our relationship and I am afraid he is burying his feelings so as to not upset me more. When we found out I was pregnant, we were scared but cautiously optimistic and initially wanted to continue the pregnancy.

About 1 week later the extreme nausea and dizziness crept in and I began to struggle to keep food down. No appetite but my body was desperately hungry. I thought I could cope, but now it is clear to me that I cannot. I feel like I’ve been hungover for weeks. The reality of our poor financial situation and my own fragile mental health was suddenly overwhelming. How could I take care of a baby feeling like this? If I can’t even afford to take myself to the dentist, what kind of life can I expect to provide my child?

I’m so sorry baby. You don’t have a brain yet but your heart is beating and that is like a knife in my own heart. Who would you have been? What if everything had miraculously worked out and your dad and I were able to provide you with a wonderful life and so much love?

I want to believe that I am just putting you on “pause” until I am in a position to have you — in a position to fight through sickness for you. I wish the doctor could take you out of me and put you in a tiny incubator, keep you warm and living but never growing until I am ready to carry you again. This is not possible and I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I love you. Your dad loves you. We will all have one more night together and then we have to say goodbye. When we are able to bring a child into the world I hope a little piece of you will live on through him or her. Until then my little one.