Safety Exit
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer
Exhale

Exhale

Listen | Support | Validate

  • About
    • What is Pro-Voice?
    • Exhale History
    • Leadership Team
    • Anti-Oppression Policy
    • Press
  • Get Support
    • After-Abortion Textline
    • Support Groups
    • After-abortion Resources
    • Self-Care
  • Volunteer
    • Become a Counselor
    • Work Behind the Scenes
    • Join the Board of Directors
  • Community
    • After-Abortion Stories
    • Exhale Blog
  • Contact
    • Request Training
    • Outreach Materials
    • Contact Exhale
Donate

Until We Meet Again

October 7, 2020 By Exhale 2 Comments

Submitted by: Emily

It’s 5 AM. My boyfriend is asleep beside me. I am trying to cry quietly so I don’t wake him up. My heart is heavy and my feelings are complicated by the extreme nausea, dizziness and fatigue I’ve been fighting this past 2 weeks. I believe it to be Hyperemesis but I feel that I am not taken seriously by my doctor. I have no appetite and most foods seem revolting. I spend as many hours asleep as possible so I don’t have to deal with the nausea, the pain, the guilt, the grief. I want nothing except to stop feeling like I’m in a fever dream.

I’m sorry if this is strictly for post abortion stories but I’m going in for mine in 30 hours and I feel compelled to write about what I’m experiencing without fear of judgment.

I had an abortion 11 years ago. I was a teenager. My boyfriend at the time was totally unsupportive and ended up breaking up with me because I chose to terminate the pregnancy. It was hell and I’m so mad at myself for letting this happen again.

Things are different this time around. I believe my current boyfriend is being as supportive as he is able to. He is in pain, too. I am afraid of what this could do to our relationship and I am afraid he is burying his feelings so as to not upset me more. When we found out I was pregnant, we were scared but cautiously optimistic and initially wanted to continue the pregnancy.

About 1 week later the extreme nausea and dizziness crept in and I began to struggle to keep food down. No appetite but my body was desperately hungry. I thought I could cope, but now it is clear to me that I cannot. I feel like I’ve been hungover for weeks. The reality of our poor financial situation and my own fragile mental health was suddenly overwhelming. How could I take care of a baby feeling like this? If I can’t even afford to take myself to the dentist, what kind of life can I expect to provide my child?

I’m so sorry baby. You don’t have a brain yet but your heart is beating and that is like a knife in my own heart. Who would you have been? What if everything had miraculously worked out and your dad and I were able to provide you with a wonderful life and so much love?

I want to believe that I am just putting you on “pause” until I am in a position to have you — in a position to fight through sickness for you. I wish the doctor could take you out of me and put you in a tiny incubator, keep you warm and living but never growing until I am ready to carry you again. This is not possible and I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I love you. Your dad loves you. We will all have one more night together and then we have to say goodbye. When we are able to bring a child into the world I hope a little piece of you will live on through him or her. Until then my little one. ❤

Filed Under: After-Abortion Stories

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Addy says

    June 10, 2021 at 10:04 am

    Emily,

    I know it’s 8 months later, but your post really stuck out to me. I’m going to have my consultation appointment for my abortion tomorrow. (Laws where I am make you wait 48 hours). I have HG and that is my reasoning for going this route. I wanted this baby, it was tried for, but my husband and I cannot afford to deplete all of our savings for the baby, before the baby even gets here due to ER visits for fluids. It’s been an awful experience for a first pregnancy. And we have decided we will not try again for fear of subsequent HG pregnancies. It all just seems so unfair. I was wondering how you were doing, after this time?

    Reply
  2. Jennifer says

    October 19, 2020 at 9:18 pm

    Hi Emily I hope you are doing well. I know it’s hard. I’d love see how you are doing.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Support Exhale

Help us continue to provide this imperative service.

Give Now

Footer

Contact

P.O. Box 14562 San Francisco, CA 94114
  • Amazon
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • TikTok
  • Twitter

Navigation

  • Privacy Policy
  • Give Now
  • Terms of Use

Join our Mailing List

* indicates required

Copyright © 2023 · Exhale

Exhale is a 501(c)3 organization (EIN/tax ID: 94-3393719)