Utah 1993

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Submitted by: Ineededthis

We were high school sweethearts that had known each other since grade school. Everyone thought we were perfect together and I was in passionate love. But our relationship was rocky, there was lying, cheating and deceit. In our just under 2 year relationship we broke up countless times. We tried dating others but always went back to each other.

It was around his 18th birthday when I found out I was pregnant. I was 16 and mind numbingly terrified. My mother was abusive and scared me. My father tried to be in my life but I honestly think he was scared of mom too. I hid the pregnancy hoping for a miscarriage. My boyfriend was confusing on his wants — offering to marry me to initially, then saying it’s best if I was single because the government could give more than he could, then finally agreeing an abortion would be best overall because we were just too young.

Eventually my parents found out and everything hit the fan. It was so traumatic I actually can’t remember much. But everyone kept saying they supported my decision whatever it was. That’s all they would say, no options of what would happen if I had the baby. No offers to help so I could finish high school, nothing. My mom was mad and berated me every chance she could. My father was deeply ashamed. My boyfriend was all over the place.

I decided I was alone in this decision I would be alone going forward. Decided on an abortion, I was just under 14 weeks. My father paid for it. My boyfriend went with me to the clinic. Had to go through the counseling and all of that. They inserted a plug in my cervix that looked like a golf tee. Sent me home and said to expect some cramping and come back on 6-8 hours.

4 hours later I was in the worst pain of my life. I couldn’t walk, just lied on my side holding my stomach and screaming. My boyfriend picked me up and ran me into the clinic. They gave me nitrous for the pain and put another golf tee in but it broke so the doctor had to force my cervix open, it was awful. I kept saying everything would go back to somewhat normal. I did what everyone seemed to want.

Well I was wrong. Most of my family out right ignored me and my boyfriend broke up with me. He told me he kept having dreams of a little girl that looked like us, crying for her daddy but he could never get to her. I was crushed, my life over the next 25+ years has been in a shadow of guilt and shame ever since.

He popped into my life on messenger to give me forgiveness and hope I could forgive him. We have chatted and he finally tells me he knew he wanted to marry me in the 6th grade! He wanted to keep the baby and me but felt he had no say in anything. Ultimately he didn’t have to final say but it would have made a huge difference if he had said something! He blamed himself for the abortion and says he broke up with me because he failed the test of fatherhood and protecting his child. He still celebrates her and keeps her memory alive. I don’t, but still deal with the immense shame and guilt. I am on meds, seeing a therapist and maybe with my exs forgiveness I can learn to forgive myself.

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One response to “Utah 1993”

  1. jasmine

    Oh my heart breaks when I read about everything you’ve been through. It’s not only the trauma of the procedure, but the abuse you experienced before, during, and after that would cause feelings of shame. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated.

    The dream your ex told you about might stem from the trauma of seeing YOU crying and not being able to protect you. You said he had to rush you in, and he probably felt powerless. That might be where those painful dream images came from. You can go into your dreams and see your potential baby in a safe and familiar place full of love, understanding, and peace… and you can reach her. Images can be transformed with love.

    You’re not alone. It’s time to step out of the shadow of shame and pain… even if it’s just for a moment at a time. You deserve so much love and happiness.

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