You Are Not Alone

Submitted by: Lizz

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time… I believe it was 2015.

I was in a very toxic relationship, with an emotionally abusive boyfriend, who I couldn’t let go of for some reason. When I told him I was pregnant, the very first thing he said to me was “there are some pills I know of that are for abortions.” I told myself I couldn’t have a kid with this guy, it would be such a huge mistake! So I went through with the abortion.

I remember showering and holding my belly, crying and with so much emotional pain running through my body. As I was holding my belly I was telling that baby inside of me that I was so sorry. I had no emotional support from my boyfriend, instead he told me that he had nothing to do with my decision, that it was I who had taken the pills. And dang, did those words hurt.

Eventually I felt like the horror story was over, but it wasn’t even close. Through the years I had 3 more abortions, and just writing this makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t more responsible, and used protection of some sort if I knew I didn’t want to have babies yet. Having an abortion went completely against who I am as a person. Being such a nurturing person at my core I’ve always dreamt of starting my own family. I was shattered, I was devastated. But I decided I would just numb all those feelings, and hide them somewhere deep inside of me. My nurturing side was in a hellhole inside of me.

Thankfully, at 21 years old I finally was able to get out of that toxic relationship. I also had the opportunity to meet 5 beautiful little angels who saved me. They brought my so-long dream of being a mother back, I will forever be grateful for those kids and they will always have a piece of my heart.

I am currently 24 and even though it’s been some years after the abortions I came to realize that I haven’t completely healed, not even close. I’m still recovering, but now I have a wonderful supportive husband who I shared my story with and hasn’t judged me once. And we plan on having a family of our own very soon. Sometimes I think to myself that next time I do try to get purposely pregnant it won’t happen, because that’s going to be my way of paying back for what I did, I can’t help those dark thoughts sometimes. I understand it’s somewhat normal to have these thoughts, I’m still in my healing journey. One thing I know for sure, I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.

I hope my story can bring light to some of you reading this. It gets better, I promise. You are not alone, you never were.