You Are Not Alone

you are not alone

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

You are not alone.

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant for the very first time… I believe it was 2015.

I was in a very toxic relationship, with an emotionally abusive boyfriend, who I couldn’t let go of for some reason. When I told him I was pregnant, the very first thing he said to me was “there are some pills I know of that are for abortions.” I told myself I couldn’t have a kid with this guy, it would be such a huge mistake! So I went through with the abortion.

I remember showering and holding my belly, crying and with so much emotional pain running through my body. As I was holding my belly I was telling that baby inside of me that I was so sorry. I had no emotional support from my boyfriend, instead he told me that he had nothing to do with my decision, that it was I who had taken the pills. And dang, did those words hurt.

Eventually I felt like the horror story was over, but it wasn’t even close. Through the years I had 3 more abortions, and just writing this makes me feel so ashamed of myself. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t more responsible, and used protection of some sort if I knew I didn’t want to have babies yet. Having an abortion went completely against who I am as a person. Being such a nurturing person at my core I’ve always dreamt of starting my own family. I was shattered, I was devastated. But I decided I would just numb all those feelings, and hide them somewhere deep inside of me. My nurturing side was in a hellhole inside of me.

Thankfully, at 21 years old I finally was able to get out of that toxic relationship. I also had the opportunity to meet 5 beautiful little angels who saved me. They brought my so-long dream of being a mother back, I will forever be grateful for those kids and they will always have a piece of my heart.

I am currently 24 and even though it’s been some years after the abortions I came to realize that I haven’t completely healed, not even close. I’m still recovering, but now I have a wonderful supportive husband who I shared my story with and hasn’t judged me once. And we plan on having a family of our own very soon. Sometimes I think to myself that next time I do try to get purposely pregnant it won’t happen, because that’s going to be my way of paying back for what I did, I can’t help those dark thoughts sometimes. I understand it’s somewhat normal to have these thoughts, I’m still in my healing journey. One thing I know for sure, I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.

I hope my story can bring light to some of you reading this. It gets better, I promise. You are not alone, you never were.

Submitted by: Lizz

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