Since I’ve been a little girl I knew I never wanted to have children. The idea terrified me, I struggle to be open and vulnerable with myself and with the people around me, and I know how negatively that can affect a child.
About four months ago I met this guy and we fell in love, we’ve been taking things slow and haven’t really introduced the idea of a future together because the relationship is so fresh but I began to imagine myself having a family with him and felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I knew he was changing my opinion on children simply with his love. I began to point out babies everywhere I went, and we would both crack jokes about me getting pregnant because I had such strong baby fever.
About three weeks ago I took an expired pregnancy test mainly as a joke and partly because of a deep feeling I had. It came back positive. I decided to buy two more and they both came back positive. My boyfriend was supportive of me, although he made it very clear he didn’t think it was responsible of us to keep it. I thought about it for a week, I don’t have a job, my lease just fell through, and I still have three years of undergrad left, I knew what the right decision was.
I decided to get my abortion two days after I turned twenty. I turned 20 last Monday. I turned twenty pregnant with my baby that I’ll never get to meet, or hold, or watch take its first steps, but if i made this decision for myself why do I feel so sad about it? I don’t regret my decision because I know my baby deserves to have a mother that can be there the way it needs it to and I know I deserve to live the life I’ve imagined for myself which doesn’t include a baby at 20 but I can’t stop thinking about “what if.” What if I went through with it and it ended up being the best decision of my life. It was so easy for me to say I never wanted children for almost 18 years of life, but having the opportunity to actually have my own baby and then decide against it will be something that haunts me for the rest of my life.
My days consist of sleeping in and crying all day while I listen to the same three songs over and over again. I don’t know where to go from here. What if this feeling never goes away?
I opened up to a couple of my friends and they ridiculed me for even thinking of keeping it. I expressed that I was struggling with the idea of getting rid of it because it was MY baby and I felt like it was already part of who I was ( I was just a few days under five weeks). My friends and I are all extremely pro-choice, which may be why their immediate response was “it’s not even a baby yet ur just getting rid of a clump of cells.” I know they were trying to make me feel less guilty but I feel ridiculous for being so upset about this. I don’t think they realize how difficult this process has been and in a few days I have to go back to school and see them. I feel so much shame about myself and i’m scared everyone will be able to see it when I go back and i’ll end up feeling even more ridiculous than i already do.
I’ve always been able to mask my depression and put on a smile for the public but this depression feels so different. I feel the most alone i’ve ever felt, I feel SO much anger. I’m angry at myself for an unimaginable amount of things right now but mainly because of the anger I feel towards my boyfriend. I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way but a part of me wishes he was just as miserable as me right now, but why would I ever wish this feeling upon someone I love so much? I feel like a horrible person for even thinking about it in that manner. I want to destroy everything in my room and I have a constant need to scream at the top of my lungs.
Why couldn’t I had gotten pregnant when I was ready? I’ve always been pro choice but I feel so guilty for not going through with the pregnancy when so many women struggle to have their own children. I guess i’m sharing this because reading so many of of the other stories posted helped me realize that I’m not alone. Not alone in my anger, confusion, or sadness. Right now It feels like I’ll never get through this, but hearing the stories you guys have shared, I’ve begun to understand that this grief, although it was my decision, is still not linear and I’m allowed to miss the baby that could have one day been mine. There is such a huge community of women that are all going through their own version of my story and none of us are truly alone.