Confused, Did I Really Want to Have an Abortion?

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

I had an abortion a week ago. I am 23 year old Swedish girl on a working holiday visa in Australia. I have now been here for a year with my partner that I’ve been with for a year. We love each other so much and I know he’s the one.

We are traveling, working and enjoying our lives. My plan is to go to nursing school after our 2-3 years in Australia and my partner is going to do a journeyman ship to be better at his trade to be able to start his own business doing what he loves. I got pregnant while on birth control pills and when I found out, I was secretly happy and excited.

We talked about our options and I knew I had to have an abortion. The reasons where COVID, me and my partner being from different countries, being in a country where we’re not residents, having no money, not having the education we want for our future and so on…

I didn’t want an abortion, but I convinced myself to do it just because it would be the best thing for the baby. We wouldn’t be able to give our child the life that we wanted for it. I thought of the abortion as a non-selfish act for my child’s best interest. But I wanted to keep it. I wanted to love the child that was growing inside me and raise it to be an amazing person. I wanted to be a mom. Now, I’m writing all of this because I want you to understand my thought process up until I had the abortion. I feel regret and I am confused. I want to undo everything because I feel like I might have pressured myself into this decision. Did I make the right choice? Was I selfless towards my child by having an abortion, or was I stupid not listening to my feelings about wanting to keep it? Because right now I just feel stupid, why would I kill something that I loved so much…

Submitted by: Amanda

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