Depressed after my abortion and don’t know what to do

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Kenny

Does anyone feel the same way I do? I want to feel okay so badly. Every time I google search trying to find anyone feeling a depression after abortion, either some pro life stuff comes out or its women talking about how they don’t regret their abortion and are glad they did it. Deep down I know I did the right thing — after about two weeks of finding out I was pregnant my boyfriend cheated on me.

It’s my fault for letting him manipulate me into making an option because it’s my body, but he kept telling me he thought we should get an abortion. I didn’t want my child to feel unwanted by their father. But I have so much resentment toward him, and I think I’m okay but then I watch a show with a pregnant woman or something about abortion gets brought up and I get so so sad.

I don’t feel feelings or relief or hope for my future that one day the time will be right. It’s so hard for me to feel anything except sadness and it’s been months.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

Text Exhale Pro-Voice:

617-749-2948

Our confidential textline is available in the US and Canada and is staffed during the following hours:

Weekdays: 3 pm-9 pm (Pacific Time)
Saturdays: 1 pm-9 pm (Pacific Time)
Sundays: 3 pm-7 pm (Pacific Time)

Se habla español.
Due to high text volume, please expect a response within 24 hours.

132 responses to “Depressed after my abortion and don’t know what to do”

  1. Beth

    I just wanted to say it gets better. I had an abortion 5 years ago and it was the best decision even if it was hard and the fairy tale what it’s get to me from time to time. My life would have been so much harder and I wouldn’t have ended up where I am now in my marriage, financially, etc. Women get abortions because they know that. It’s hard to think about it in terms of the good things, but don’t forget the bad. Being a mother is so hard. Many children that are meant to be born at a later, better time in a woman’s life have so much more appreciation from the mother because of what they’ve been through.

    Reply
    1. love

      how to get better?I just have abortion weeks ago and I felt nothing but sadness I never find any happiness inside me I felt more horrible everyday .everyday it get more worst .im afraid everyday …

      Reply
  2. Lucie

    I had my abortion 2.5 months ago and still feel so much sadness. It didn’t help that I was so far along I was 19 weeks pregnant. It was a decision I was going back and forth for 6 weeks. The reason was because I found out my partner had cheated, I felt so trapped and that I couldn’t carry on the pregnancy on my own. Everyone seems to be pregnant or announcing they are pregnant it makes me feel so sad and even envious. I just want to be pregnant again so much but I feel I am trying to fill a void. Can anyone else relate?

    Reply
    1. Bb

      Your not alone

      Reply
    2. DH

      I’m 17 weeks and I am in the same situation. I battled back and forth and here I am now the night before my procedure crying my eyes out. I’m with you and you are not alone

      Reply
  3. Blair

    I just wish I could go back just a second before laying down. I knew I was making a mistake I knew I’d regret it again. My heart is broken this was my 2nd chance and I did it again. I just want it all to be over. I can’t deal with this pain. I thought being sick was bad but nothing compares to the heartache that I feel even in my sleep. Every time I go on my phone there’s a baby or a pregnant woman. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself and I know I won’t. I want to be with my babies. I want to be with the ghost that I created they shouldn’t be alone.

    Reply
    1. Kieley Salazar

      I understand how you feel, yesterday I had an abortion and I just feel like I want to die, I want to be with my baby. I hurt so bad, my heart aches. I don’t deserve to be here.

      Reply
      1. Jenny

        I had one the 16th reading this sadens my heart

        Reply
  4. Jane

    I know it’s a few years after your original post, but you’re definitely not alone in the grieving process. I came across this thread while trying to find any ounce of comfort on the internet regarding post abortion guilt/grief.. It’s been over 3 years now and it still hits me like a ton of bricks on occasion. Mind you, it’s not a constant in my life, and most days the thought doesn’t cross my mind – but then there are days like today where I am completely overwhelmed with tears, grief and emotion when the topic crosses my mind. It happens for many reasons I suppose, but usually I have a good cry and it eventually feels a bit better – though I still have not really found an appropriate way for myself to deal with my feelings on the subject. I apologize that I can’t offer much guidance or help, but I can assure you you’re not alone in this.

    Reply
    1. Anna

      I feel so much pain and it has almost been a year. Wish i vould talk to women in person who feel the same as no one understands….. And almost no one knows. I feel so terribly guilty. I aborted when I was almost 9 weeks. I felt there was no other option. If only I had some guidence. The what ifs kill me and i feel so much pressure to get pregnant again.. to fill this void in me. Though i feel as if I dont deserve it. Or that I first should find the perfect guy….. Only he cant be found. I would give everything to go back in time to stop me from making the biggest misstake pf my life

      Reply
      1. Chloe

        I feel everyone’s pain, i had an abortion 2 weeks ago, it has been the most painful thing I have ever done. I have a 13 and an 12 year old so the thought of starting again never crossed my mind. My symptoms started as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was soo sick and tired all the time and I hated that it took my full attention away from my kids. The way that I felt at the time there was no way that I wanted to carry on with the pregnancy. I sat at the clinic waiting for my procedure going through all the drills and I couldn’t wait for it to be over and selfishly feel myself again. A few days later I hate myself, I cry every day all I want is my baby back, I have never felt soo broken in my life and it has only been two weeks, I wish I felt then how I feel now. Life will never be the same again. X

        Reply
        1. LouLou

          Hi Chloe, I am so sorry you’re going through this as I am going through the same exact thing. For me it’s been 3 months but it feels like yesterday. The pain is absolutely unbearable to the point where I went to the hospital but all I was given was anti anxiety medicine which does nothing for me. I can’t sleep, I lost weight, I cry every single day and wish that I could turn back time. I haven’t been going to work and like you I have 2 teenagers and at the time my head was so clouded on top of being in an emotionally abusive relationship I thought I was alone and couldn’t do it but now I feel the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I have a hole in my heart and I’m completely broken. I too was extremely depressed and sick but I would give anything to go back and feel sick versus feeling like I do now. The guilt is literally eating me alive every day and I can barely look at my kids. Nobody truly understands this pain and I’m angry with myself, I hate myself. It was the wrong choice but at the time I couldn’t see it. I can’t help but dwell every day all day long. I’m being told I need counseling and to be put put on antidepressants which in my opinion I don’t think will help this searing deep pain. It hurts so bad. I am only existing right now. It’s like I’m dead but still breathing. I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. I failed God, myself, and my kids. Honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. I’m heartbroken. If you see this please respond back.

          Reply
          1. Sara

            Hi LouLoe,
            I had an abortion almost 9 months ago. It’s so hard for me as my what would’ve been due date is getting closer. I think about the “what ifs”. I also have 2 teenagers and thought I was making the right choice. I didn’t want to start over again. But the moment I walked out of that clinic I was a different person. I was so ashamed of what I had done I was gonna take that secret to my grave. The shame and guilt hit me really hard. I reached out to my local pregnancy center for help I couldn’t talk to my family and I needed to talk to someone. They told me about a group called “Surrendering the Secret” I encourage you to reach out to your local pregnancy center for help. God loves you and He’s such a forgiving God. He forgives even the sin of abortion. There is hope and healing for you. You are not alone.

          2. Keri

            I feel your pain. I was further along though…I bonded but I felt I couldn’t keep it. The guilt is overwhelming. I’m taking it hour by hour, day by day. I miss being pregnant and want to have another chance.
            You can only take it a day at a time.

        2. Kayla

          I understand and feel your pain. Your experiences sound very like my own. You aren’t alone. X

          Reply
          1. Angel

            I had one when I was 22. I regret it all the time. At first my boyfriend, at the time, had just kept saying “do whatever you want” and I was adamant about keeping it because he already had a 4yr old that I was so close to. However, in days that followed, he wouldn’t even talk to me about it. I was excited and he was just cold. So one day I asked him, “what do YOU want? It’s OUR kid and we both have to make this decision.” He obviously said he didn’t want another kid at that time. So I booked the appt. We made an agreement that we would get better jobs and try again in 3 years. When I was ready, I asked again (after college and a new job for me) and he still said no. We dated a couple years after but broke up and remained friends. He would still try to be intimate with me but at that point I was telling him, “if I get intimate w you, I’m going to want my baby.” I am now 29 and a lot of my have had children since then (I was the first to get pregnant) and my best friend conceived her son months after I had terminated it. A couple years ago I told my mom about it and she was sad because she would’ve supported me. I regret it all the time… every time a friend gets pregnant, I find myself crying. Now I’m older and I worry if I’ll ever get the opportunity again. Therapy helps sometimes but the pain still resides. I’m praying for healing for us all in this thread ❤️

        3. Nadia

          I can relate to this so very much. Thank you for sharing you aren’t alone. Sending peace and love x

          Reply
        4. San

          Exactly same…I feel same.. same situation, same reason why I have done that and now everything else seems unimportant to me. Only if I could go back and protected my baby. I cry every single day. I feel you..you are not alone.

          Reply
        5. Stephanie

          How do move past this? I’m in your same boat

          Reply
      2. Tia

        Hello anna,I wanted to inquire about how you feel now?I was forced basically to have a abortion by my boyfriend of 10 years.i am 41 so that’s scary on it’s own. He told me he had a vasectomy but couldn’t produce any paperwork ( retired army)I was 10 weeks pregnant. I have a 7 yr old who was so excited as was i…but financially I was not stable.so I had the procedure. May 3rd…mothers day may 8th ( my 7 yr old bday )I started cramping as if I was in labor and found out the abortion wasn’t complete. So basically had a baby on my bathroom floor.i still pulled myself together as best I could for her party….but I cry now out of the blue if i think about it, I’m angry,sad,depressed….its non stop.and I cant speak about it to anyone.

        Reply
    2. Melissa

      You are not alone, this void in me does not go away. I feel so so sad. I resent my partner. I wish i could go back and make a different decision. I hate myself.

      Reply
    3. Farah smith

      I’m so happy I came across these comments because I’ve been searching for some kind of ok that it’s ok to feel sad an numb , I kinda got pressured into having an abortion but then had to stay pregnant for an extra 3 weeks after finding out which made it 1000 times harder , my little baby was 8 weeks an I was told to just grow no attachment when this little baby had so much control over my body an then for one day it to be gone an have no support sn it doesn’t even get spoken about anymore I’m just left to somewhat deal with it but deep down I’m so sad an angry sn I could scream because apparently I’m not allowed to feel this way because it was my choice but I’ve got 2 beautiful little girls an this wasn’t an easy decision for me an now I’m say here thinking when will this get easier when will I be allowed to talk about it an be allowed to be sad I’m sorry I just needed a rant an get it of my chest

      Reply
    4. J

      That’s beautiful. Thank you for that. I feel the same way. I’m about 3 months since the abortion and all I think is how can I have a child to make up for ky actions. It’s a lonely place to be. But we have each other. Women who have been through this, I feel you and I see you. With you I feel like maybe I can get better and live my life without regret.

      Reply
  5. Dolly

    I had one when I was 16, about 2 months away from being 17. I had the pills mailed to a friends house so I wouldn’t have to tell my parents. I was with a bit older guy and the age of consent in my state was 17, and we both agreed it wouldn’t be smart to have the kid as it’d be ‘proof of a crime’. But I loved being pregnant, I tracked my baby with two different apps and checked the mirror each day hoping to see a little bump; my whole life my only goal was to have a family and have my own children. I loved everything about being pregnant and if I had already been 17 it wouldn’t have even been a choice, I would’ve kept it. I hoped the pills would get delayed at customs so I could spend more time being pregnant, and somewhere in the back of my mind I hoped they wouldn’t work at all. It devastated me, and it keeps me up at night mourning the loss of my unborn child, but I don’t know how to move past it. I was told that I should be relieved, but the weight of my abortion weighed more heavily on me than the pregnancy that shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

    Reply
  6. MyStory

    It’s a comfort to read these story’s. However I am devastated as I am 29 years old , I am not young (or) already have children. It should be the perfect time. I opted for an abortion because I felt it wasn’t the right time it was totally unplanned, I do have a partner but only of 2 years and 1 year has been a pandemic so I panicked even though he said he wanted to keep it. Out of panick because they told me it must be before 10 weeks , I have taken the first tablet and now have 24 hour to take the second tablets but I just don’t want to take them. I wish I never took the first tablet . I feel like I’ve make such a mistake , I’m 9.3 weeks already but taking that one tablet has changed everything.

    Reply
    1. Roxanne

      I’m 31 I had a abortion 4 years ago. I still can’t get over it. Any mention from anyone or on TV about abortions I’m breaking down. I was manipulated by ex partner I wish I never listened to him. I dream wierd stuff about having a family then wake up its not real. If anyone knows how to heal the pain please let me know. I hope you ok too

      Reply
      1. someone

        I just had an abortion, i’m 20, my bf and i only started dating a couple months ago and i was already 2 or 3 months pregnant, he blew up on me when i told him that i was pregnant and was very aggressive towards me and insisted i not delay getting an abortion and to do so immediately so i did, this was yesterday, still grieving and i don’t feel like it gets better, i didn’t want it either because were in no ways prepared and we barely are starting something together but it was very heartbreaking and hurtful for me. i knew already i didn’t want to even had kids in the future but this just destroyed me and i’m so upset about it i’m upset when i see babies, pregnant women, and i envy their happiness

        Reply
        1. Someone

          I had an abortion on the 10th of May due to severe sickness, no sleep, couldn’t drink, couldn’t eat, kept feeling faint & my partner didn’t want it from the get go & I felt like I had no other option as he’s all I have (estranged from family after losing mum) Ended up hospitalised on drips it was that severe. I regret the decision beyond belief. I feel awful, disgusting & I keep having vivid images of what it would look like at this stage now & what it looked like when I went through with it. I too had nobody to help me think it through, if I’m honest all I could think about was not being able to cope with the sickness as it was making me so ill. If anything I was pushed more towards termination rather than any other alternative. I resent my boyfriend as well, he was kind & sweet beforehand but not supportive about wanting to keep it & as soon as it was done, he got a little distant & cold & whenever I’m sad about it he tells me I’m stupid or keeps banging on about what we wouldn’t be able to do with a baby (we don’t do anything anyway) & how his life would be financially ruined. I can’t help but feel a massive sense of loss. I don’t have anyone besides him either, I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I regret this choice more than anything. I’m so sorry we’re all here going through the same thing. Sending you all so much love 🙁 x

          Reply
          1. Charlotte

            I came across this page because I was desperately trying to find someone going through the same thing as me.
            Everyone I know that had an abortion kept telling me how they were relieved they had one. I genuinely thought I would be too.
            Upon telling my partner, he was unsupportive. Couldn’t get his head around the idea of having a baby. We have been together and lived together a few years and we are in our mid twenties.
            I feel like I was pushed into having an abortion.
            I feel no relief. Just heartbreak and devastation.
            I long for the baby that was inside me.
            If I could go back, I would choose my baby over my partner anyway of the week.
            I don’t know what the future holds for me and my partner but it looks bleak right now.

      2. Someone

        I really feel the same way, only my boyfriend doesn’t really want to commit in my mind I think after the whole thing I should get a ring for a complete promise that I will be with him after all that. He tells me straight up not to regret the decision because it wasn’t in the cards for us. We are in college and he said it wasn’t the time so I am going through the process still as it happened January 14th. I was 18 weeks pregnant

        Reply
        1. Kaylyn Taylor

          I had to reply to this. Laying in bed after midnight on what is now the 5th anniversary of that decision. I have no idea how my body just “knows”. I was so on edge today and triggered by everything. Crying on the couch after my bf and the dogs fell asleep. I couldn’t figure out why then realized it’s been 5 years. Your story just seemed so relatable. We were in college and it wasn’t “in the cards” or the “right timing” according to my bf. Now here we are 5 years later with two dogs and having moved to two different states. All I think about is what could have been and why not? He won’t commit to marriage after all we’ve been through and after the toughest choice I’ve ever made and idk how much I have left to give. I feel guilty. I feel like I’ll never marry. Never have kids. It’s overwhelming at times but especially this week of all weeks.

          Reply
      3. Jackie

        Lou lou- I had an abortion last week and feel the same. I am in such deep pain and regret. I hoped I would feel relief, but this is agony. I feel so stupid and misguided. I made the worst decision of my life.

        Reply
    2. Jo

      I am also so so sad for the loss of my baby.
      I am 45, have 2 children, one of which is 18.
      I have a partner with 2 children and it seemed like the best option for our family- and I think it might have been for everyone else, But not for me, I am devastated. I am trying to be normal but the deepest part of me is devastated.
      I feel like I will mourn my baby I didn’t get to hold or cuddle and I can not believe I made that choice and didn’t protect my child.

      I honestly don’t think I will ever get over this and the ramifications that have surfaced are also difficult.
      My self worth is gone, I don’t hold myself in any high regard and I am ashamed. I killed my child when it would have been another like my older two.
      Y brain reruns the scenario leading up to taking the tablet amd then the aftermath. I feel like a part of me died also amd I won’t be coming back.

      I feel immensely sad for both of you, and you are right- we need to be able to tell this story, I perhaps would have made a different choice had I known this was waiting for me.

      It cannot always be so black and white and opinionated.

      Thankyou to you all for being so honest.

      Reply
      1. Nessa

        Jo, i am in the same boat. I also have 2 children and i wanted a third child, so bad! Im in my mid 30’s and this my second abortion. I suffer from general anxiety disorder, so when i got pregnant. The hormones took a toll on my mental health, that i ended aborting. I should of just walked out the clinic but i didn’t. And my due date would of been this week 3/26/2022 and not a day goes by where i don’t think about my unborn children, and still to this day have lots of regret. I dont think ill ever get over it.

        Reply
        1. Flower

          So sorry to hear that. I’m exactly the same , I had 2 abortions and have now been told I have an anxiety disorder. It was the worst decision of my life to have the abortions and truly feel like part of me died too. I will never get over what I’ve done I just have to try and live with it for the sake of my other children ☹️

          Reply
        2. Lo

          Same exact situation. Did you ever try again for a third? Every month I want to and my anxiety talks me out of it last second. I wish I never had that abortion.

          Reply
    3. Mimi

      My story is similar to yours. Had an abortion at 29 years old (I was 7.5 weeks). I had only been with my partner 6 months and we just weren’t ready. We’re in a long distance relationship which makes it even more difficult, both not finically stable as we should be and we have been arguing a lot lately. We mutually agreed to go through with the abortion but as time went on I changed my mind but he still wanted me to get the abortion which I did, and I can honestly say that it was the worst decision of my life. I cry everyday and I wish I kept it. Anyway fast forward, me and my bf are longer together and I have no baby. 2 losses in a matter of weeks. Pain like I’ve never felt.

      Reply
  7. Jo

    I had an abortion at 8 weeks in February this year. Its killing me. I am deeply depressed. I have two children already, my youngest is about to be a year old and I “terminated the pregnancy” because my relationship was abusive and I didn’t think I could handle being pregnant again. But no matter how I justify it I know what I did. I killed my unborn child :'( I am pro-life but how can I say that now after what I’ve done? I’m having an identity crisis and feel like, I can never redeem myself from this. I will always be haunted with the memory of what I did.

    Reply
    1. Alex

      I also had one in Feb this year at 8w 1d. I was manipulated by my now ex bf to get one. He told me if I didn’t he wouldn’t be a “dad” to my 6 year old son anymore and made me feel awfull over choosing a unborn baby over my son and our already little family with his own two boys along with a load of other blackmail, and if I did get one to give my landlord notice & move in together with him. So I had the abortion and he broke up with me a few weeks later. I cry every single day, there isn’t a moment I don’t think about what would be. And worst of all my 6 year old son asks me for a baby every single day.

      Reply
    2. Diana

      In December of 2018 I was 18 and a freshman in college when I found out I was pregnant. I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment with my family of 7 people and my car had gotten stolen at that time as well. I knew there was no way I was going to survive going through this pregnancy, especially with the $11 an hour wage my partner and I were making at that time. I honestly felt extremely guilty having to come up with the idea of abortioning my pregnancy. I didn’t have the morals or the heart to do it but financially and emotionally I wasn’t going to survive. My partner decided to help me schedule my abortion and there it goes, 2 weeks later at 7weeks and a half I got my abortion. I still til this day feel terrible for what I did. But I have a great job, a 2 bedroom house, a new car and the same partner supporting me through it all. Ever so often (like today) I fall apart and just cry it all out. It seems like the more I think about it, the more I get angry at myself and my partner for still grieving over it. I sometimes wish I had just kept my pregnancy. Or that maybe I should’ve had a more supportive boyfriend. I still punish myself and I just hope to the universe that someday I let all of this go. Forever.

      Reply
    3. cee-cee

      i’m getting an abortion next week, i’m almost 9 weeks pregnant. i really wanted a baby for a long time, this is my first pregnancy and it’s making me really depressed. i can’t stop crying and i feel so much guilt. i feel like i’m ruining someone’s life that they didn’t even get to live yet. i found out i was pregnant last week, my boyfriend and i always said, if i got pregnant, we would consider abortion. now that it’s time, it’s making me sad. we can’t keep the baby because it’s bad timing, we’re not ready and we don’t have the money.

      Reply
    4. jen

      You will be ok, there is redemption and you were trying to help your kids and yourself.

      Reply
    5. L

      Hi there I’m in the same situation as you pregnant again and in a abusive relationship I’m waiting an abortion next week but I can’t stop crying when I’m alone it’s not what I can’t handle being pregnant I wouldn’t be able to support 3 children alone finacially or mentally children I managed to get him to move His behaviour has became worse since finding out I’m pregnant again Iv suffered a lot in this relationship even this short time being pregnant I’m so confused and alone in my head it’s the right choice but it’s breaking my heart he’s not supportive at all of abortion calling me a a baby killer and other horrible things I’m so sad

      Reply
      1. Sara

        So sorry. My daughter had an abortion 10 years ago and still is depressed. She has been to many doctors and psychologist but she still has bad day. So sorry to all of of you that are in pain.

        Reply
    6. Anonymous

      I just had a surgical abortion yesterday. I was 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I’m 18 years old and my boyfriend felt we were not financially stable enough for a child. I understand that but I cannot help but to feel so broken right now. I feel like we could of handled it. I’m never going to get to see or hold my baby I’ve been carrying the past two months. I feel lost. I hope to feel relief one day. Thank you for sharing your stories.

      Reply
      1. Hema

        I aborted in Jan 2020. I just cannot stop thinking about my aborted baby . I cry every day thinking about her/him . Sometimes I feel I should go to heaven to meet her soon . But then comes to my mind about my children who hasn’t done any harm . I should be there for them

        Reply
        1. Anonymous

          I had my abortion just like you wen my baby was 11 weeks 2 days

          Reply
  8. S

    I had a similar situation years ago. And like clockwork every around the time I had the abortion I get very sad. I also feel uneasy and sad when I am reminded of it somehow. Today I was reminded of it because of a question at the doctor. I too (even years later) google to see if there are others who are bothered by their decision years later.

    You’re not alone ?

    Reply
    1. Alisha

      I was only 15 when I had an abortion, now at 21 years old, I’m finally getting help as I believe I developed PTSD after it. It was my only and biggest life regret. I know I’m still only young but 5 and a half years on and I’m still suffering immensely from my deeply regretted decision. My boyfriend at the time did not support my decision for wanting to keep it, nor did my parents and so in turn I just chose the decision that pleased everyone to avoid conflict and judgement. Now I hate myself for it and I’m filled with guilt, shame and utter regret almost everyday. I developed anxiety afterwards which over the years has gotten worse and worse, I have always kinda suffered with depression but now I actually feel as though I want to die because I deserve it and not just because I’m feeling down in that moment with irrational thoughts. Before that decision I always felt as though I was a good person with a good heart but not anymore. I get nightmares and flashbacks related to the procedure and then I always get feelings of dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about what it actually was that I did. I used to try to avoid thinking about abortion for what it actually is but you learn there’s no hiding from it. When you hear or see anything in related to it or are faced with having to hold a newborn baby or discuss if you want children in the future yourself, you’ve gotta learn not to just burst into tears. I never once felt relief, I’ve always been saddened by my decision, probably more so shock at first when it felt real for me. I think prior to it, and immediately after I didn’t even process anything in my head, as though it wasn’t a real thing. Everything happened so fast, from finding out I was pregnant to making a termination appointment, to walking out of the place with an empty stomach and an empty feeling in my soul. I’m so deeply hurt by everything. I can’t wait to get medication and start talk therapy because I’m afraid I may end up taking my own life. Sorry for the depressive response, I’m being completely honest about my experience and guilt. The reason for that is because I’ve never read anyone who I can relate to, it’s always everywhere telling you you’ll find relief, most likely immediately after or soon to come. It’s nearly been 6 years. Not everyone will feel that way. My morals and mind say otherwise, and therefore I’m left dealing with the consequences. I believe it all depends on your thoughts about abortion prior to your decision, as well as what support you had afterwards. I was so antiabortion it was unreal and yet I went I did something I was against. So young and dumb. No one was there for me after, everyone just kind of pretended it was in their imagination other than me. It haunted me so badly. I’m tearing up writing this :’(.

      Reply
      1. Kristy

        I am 32 and I have 3 kids of my own and a stepdaughter now when I was 19 I had an abortion and it was the biggest mistake of my life I look at my kids now and feel so badly I didn’t give that baby a chance at life and love …my children are my pride and joy and they make me happy but I still feel after all these years I’m missing something and it always goes back to the abortion… I know God forgives me I’ve been to counseling and I still just want a chance to change my decision I had made all those years ago. Praying one day I can forgive myself completely and not have that emptiness from getting rid of my baby. Sorry for the sadness just wanting to share my story.

        Reply
        1. Becca

          I felt this to my core. I’m the same age. Have three kids of my own and a step son. I was also 19 when I had mine, my mom kinda convinced me it was my only option at the time. I regret it so much and can’t help but feel the same feelings you’re feeling that I didn’t give my baby a chance at life and the guilt is so overwhelming. 🙁 You’re not alone. I really needed to read that part about God forgiving us. I hope my my child is in heaven with open arms to forgive me one day as well 🖤

          Reply
      2. Jessica

        I’m 30 and had an abortion at 18 and I’m struggling more with now than when it happens. Your post is so close to how I feel. I’m glad I’m not alone. Idk if it gets better but we just have to keep pushing

        Reply
    2. S

      Hello everyone. I am struggling really bad right now. My abortion was In December 2018 but I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I got rid of a gift of life. It makes me feel so guilty and I don’t know how to forget about it. I was 18 weeks pregnant and they had to do a surgery and I saw everything because the anesthetic didn’t work. I am scarred for life and have PTSD from it. Does anybody know how to get over it or what resources I can use to help? God bless all of you.

      Reply
    3. Ellie

      I had an abortion a week ago, after weeks of being sick and miserable in a high risk pregnancy. My life is mess and my landlord has been threatening me and my partner, making me feel unsafe in our home. I have a history of depression and anxiety. My childhood has left me without the ability to recognize when I am sliding into an abyss until it’s too late, as I was always told that I was exaggerating my feelings. I don’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t realize I was suffering antenatal depression until a nightmare woke me up the night after and I realized my belly was empty.

      There’s hardly any information about this, how dangerous depression is while pregnant. Let alone stories of women who went through the same. The stories of relief make me feel like a monster, as it only proves that my mind was sick and I made the worst decision of my life. None of the thought that made me walk into the clinic have lingered. All I think of now is that I lost my baby. I lost my baby and it’s all my own fault..

      I wonder why no one thought a woman who can’t stop crying as she goes in for an abortion might not be thinking clearly. I wish someone had asked me whether I had any pre-existing mental health issues.

      I don’t think I can ever forgive myself. I don’t think I deserve that.

      Reply
    4. Stephanie

      I recently aborted my 18 week baby as I was a victim of family violence and I’m so mentally messed up by it. I still love my ex because I wish he changed for me for the baby.
      I wanted the baby so so badly I cry endlessly everyday! I’m leaking breastmilk and it absolutely kills my heart that I did this and put myself in this situation:( I’m struggling so bad I want to forget! I’d never give up because of the son I already have but I find myself triggered so easily and emotionally I can’t bear much at all 🙁
      I

      Reply
  9. P

    Can someone help? I’m 5 weeks pregnant. The guy I’m with is CONVINCED I did it on purpose and is really pushing me towards an abortion. I’ve had one before, it was horrible to go through but I did get over it. I’m 23 and about to graduate. I don’t have any savings but my family is excited. I’m afraid I’ll regret it but also I’ll feel guilt for doing this to him

    Reply
    1. Jo

      Do NOT do anything you don’t want, regardless of anyone else.
      Do what you feel is right and know that everything will be alright in the end. It really will. You are loved x

      Reply
  10. B

    I had my abortion February of this year and I’m still a mess deep down. I know I made the right decision, but it hurts so much. I’ve dealt with deaths, illness and stress, but nothing has hurt me more than this. I took birth control for years before that happened so I was shocked and abortion seemed like the obvious solution to the “problem” I had. I was mad because I was on the pill and I’m a pre-med student so I felt I should’ve known better. I felt instant regret when the procedure started, but I’m not in the position to have a child and I didn’t want a child now to begin with so I just cried the entire time.

    Where I live we have the option of going alone, but you can’t get general anesthesia and unfortunately I chose that because I wasn’t ready to tell anyone at the time. I saw everything that was done to me and I felt everything because the local anesthetic never kicked in. I screamed and cried and the nurses tried to change my mind until about half of the procedure when I was already dilated and there was no going back. I saw everything that was sucked out of my uterus and I felt the amount of blood I was losing. I’m afraid I’ll never forget it.

    Surprisingly my due date (10/10/2020) was a calm day for me, I took some time to myself and because I didn’t cry I thought I was out of the woods and unfortunately I was wrong. The next day I couldn’t even get out of bed I was so sad beyond what I could’ve imagined.

    I must say I struggled a lot with the idea of going back for a check up with my OBGYN it took me months to do it and I’m glad I got that out of the way. I ended up getting an IUD (Mirena) and I won’t lie, the process of insertion was very triggering, but it’s so quick that I was able to remain pretty calm. During the first days the pain was very triggering, but a few weeks in Im happy to say that I’ve felt better and in some ways the idea of having it (the IUD) makes me feel safe even if I’m still struggling with the idea of having sex again. The weight gain after stopping bc pills and the trauma aren’t help right now.

    Please share some advice on how to feel comfortable with the idea of being intimate again. I would love to be in a relationship again someday, but I’m pretty sure sex still freaks me out.

    Reply
  11. Vio

    I had an abortion in september of 2018 at 8 weeks pregnant. It sucks because I was really excited about it but I kind of let myself get talked out of it. I still think about it every day. I wanted it really bad and I wasn’t with my boyfriend anymore, and still had strong feelings for another guy, so I didn’t feel right keeping it. I hate seeing pregnant women and I think about it every day. I hate the decision I made even though I know it was right, and nothing I do seems to make me feel better. I cried every day for months and I still cry about it. I hope all of you have better luck getting through it than I have.

    Reply
  12. Andy

    Hello to anyone reading this. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant on the first of June this year and had an abortion a couple days later. When I found out, I was both surprised and afraid. Surprised because I always used birth control and afraid because I had no idea what to do. Since the abortion, I have been a complete mess. Like many of you, I have resented my boyfriend of 6 years who I’m still with. We love each other very much, but it’s been very difficult. I have feelings of guilt and regret while my boyfriend feels relieved, although he’s told me before that he blames himself for the way I’ve been feeling after the abortion. I’m 22 and just graduated from college this year. Living in a pandemic, I’ve been having a difficult time finding a job. My boyfriend (23 years old), on the other hand, recently began his dream career, but because we’re still in our early 20’s, we’re only starting to figure out more about ourselves as individuals and as a couple entering the adult world. Still, the idea of an abortion wasn’t my first option. I wanted to figure things out even if it meant that I had to raise the baby on my own but in reality, I had nothing to offer my baby but my love. But is love enough?
    I can’t stop thinking about my baby. I can’t stop thinking about the “what if’s”. I don’t know if I made the right decision. Sometimes I think I did because I would’ve been due around January/February and I’m still not financially stable. I dream about my pregnancy and my baby every day. I cry and I cry over and over again apologizing for what I’ve done. I don’t know how to get over this. I don’t know if I’ll ever will. I’m so glad I found this place where there are other people like me. I feel so alone most of the time. I’m afraid no one will understand me. I’m afraid I’ll be criticized for what I did. I wish you all the best, may we all find the peace that we need.

    Reply
    1. Amber

      I relate with your situation so much. I also went through this June of this year with my boyfriend of 7 years. I would have also been due in February. I cry about it everyday. I’m literally sitting in my closet at 2:45am writing this. They say that everything is supposed to get better with time, but I feel like it’s the opposite. I feel more guilt everyday. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too. Especially during Covid. I feel like that made it 10x worse. My boyfriend wasn’t able to accompany me through the procedure and I still have nightmares about walking up to the clinic with all the protesters trying to stop me from doing what I was about to do. Anyways, I wish you the best ?

      Reply
      1. Michelle

        I took the abortion pill yesterday at 6 weeks pregnant. Even before I got pregnant I always said I would have a abortion because I do not want anymore kids (I have a 7 year old). I was dead set on it, my boyfriend and I talked about what would happen if I were to get pregnant and we both agreed abortion. Well i found out Monday that I was expecting and I knew what I was going to do. But now I feel horrible. I can’t stop crying. I know I made the right choice for myself but I can’t help but feel so selfish. Mainly because I know my reasons on not wanting a child is because I want time for myself. I had my son at 19 so I’ve spent my 20s raising him, and now that I have started my career and have the time and money to do what I want I knew I didn’t want to add another kid. I just didn’t think I’d feel this bad. At the abortion clinic all the girls looked so confident in their decisions, some were even laughing and chatting. So I keep telling myself they did it, toughen up!
        But I can’t, I keep having this feeling of guilt, I feel like I killed this innocent thing that I was suppose to protect.
        I’ve cried once to my boyfriend and he was supportive but he hasn’t seen my cry all the other times and I don’t want him to see me but i know he doesn’t understand. I just have no one to talk to about this, I feel so alone.

        Reply
        1. S

          How are you doing now? I had an abortion a few days ago. I have a 6 year old and I thought I was making the right decision. I did it because my husband (who works a lot) and I have no family support. I knew I was going to struggle maintaining a bond with my first and a new baby alone. I’m ashamed of myself now and I keep telling myself that I didn’t try hard enough to keep the baby. That I could of made it work if I just tried really hard.

          Reply
  13. Jess

    I’m so glad that I have found a current thread regarding this. I had my abortion (hate that word) in November 2019 and have been struggling with depression. It’s been 10 months now and I had no idea that I would be responding this way. I have the marina inserted at the same time and I feel like I have been putting the blame on the contraception 90% of the time. I have been lucky enough to be seeing a therapist for the past few months but unfortunately I am still struggling. I don’t know exactly if the pain is coming from the actual choice of proceeding with the termination or from the hormones and emotional trauma… but it’s been a difficult road. I’m holding hope for the future but man it’s hard.

    Reply
    1. Kathleen

      Jess- My therapist suggested I use “intentional miscarriage” rather than abortion, as that word is just soooooo charged. Adrienne on the boards here recommended the book Healing Choice as a way to journal through the grief. Highly recommend.

      xoxo
      Kathleen

      Reply
      1. Natalia

        Hi to both of you and I’m sorry that you both are feeling this way. I had an abortion in May at 5 weeks and have been really upset since then. I knew it was the right decision but I too just randomly start crying thinking about it and hold so much resentment over my partner that this happened. I don’t feel like there are many resources and don’t know who I can talk to about it.

        Reply
        1. Jasmin

          I had one 2. And Every Time I see a Pregnant Belly I Just get sad cause I want it to be me ….

          Reply
        2. Sofia

          Hi, i had a similar experience. I had an abortion at 16 with my first boyfriend and he cheated on me ten days after. It has been two months. He is now dating the girl he cheated on me with and talks badly about me. I Constantly feel sad, i cant sleep or focus and feel that i am not enough even though i try to fight this feelings they just keep coming.

          Reply
      2. Kate

        I had my abortion back in January 2020, only a few friends and my husband know. I regret my decision but was pressured by my husband to abort. His reason was that our relationship wasn’t strong enough and his mental health would suffer more. Kids has always been an issue for us, his daughter now 18 which I have been involved for the last 14 years. We never agreed on children but in the past he told me he would never deny me of having children. But now says if I want children I need to leave him. He has never asked me how I feel about what happened it was the worst day of my life, I can’t forget the day I gave up my child. Not sure what to do anymore, I was waiting for years for that moment and I let it go

        Reply
      3. ?

        I had my abortion 2 days ago and I wanted to have it but I can’t stop crying about it and everytime I think about it i bawl. I don’t get why I wanted the abortion but now I regret it. I’m only in high school and I don’t know what to do

        Reply
        1. HC

          I hope you come back to read this and know that you are absolutely not alone ❤️

          Reply
    2. Sarah123

      I’m glad i found this site. I was 9 weeks when i had an abortion. I found at 7 weeks. Im 20 years old so i’m still pretty young. My boyfriend at the time didn’t want me to have it. I felt pretty pressured into my abortion. It was the most traumatizing event of my life. It’s been 6 months since it and i still cry to this day over it, regretting and feeling terrible about my decision. it breaks my heart because i always dreamed of being a good mother but i feel i did something horrible on my end. i’m pro choice but i wish i never did that. I don’t talk about it much because I feel nobody will understand. I feel like my feelings toward this are Invalid. It breaks my heart everyday. I didn’t want to have an abortion to begin with but I was being pressured and was so in love with my ex. I don’t know what to do, the guilt from the abortion is killing me. I remember the first ultra sound when i heard it’s heart beat, I remember seeing it grow through the couple weeks i knew it was in me. I track down the weeks and imagine how big i would’ve been if i never had the abortion. I felt attached to it and now it’s gone and it’s my fault. It breaks my heart every single day. I wish i had never done it

      Reply
      1. Aiden

        I was 9 week pregnant, i usually feel like i was forced to take the abortion pills , being pressured,to do something, it’s 4 months since the incident, I cry all night thinking of my unborn baby and thinking my baby due date ,it breaks me

        Reply
    3. Alisha

      This is crazy to read because I was in the same boat, had the marina fitted at the same time as the procedure. It’s now been 5 years since I had an abortion and I hate to tell you that my personal experience has not differed. I immediately felt so much guilt, regret and shame after my decision. It took me a few years to wonder whether or not it was my Mirena because I was a calmer, happier person who adored my boyfriend at that time and everything changed for me. The relationship ended with so much toxicity and afterwards I think I never went back to my positive self. I’ve always been regretful of my decision and have struggled with worsening depression and anxiety since making the decision to terminate my pregnancy. I am only recently having my coil removed and only just seeking medical help so once I’ve gone through some of that I’ll let you know if I manage to improve or not.

      Reply
      1. Eric

        Hey I’m currently on the opposite end. My girlfriend and I went through the abortion process and it was a mutual decision but after that our relationship just fell apart. I’ve tried reaching out to her it’s been months and i still love her dearly. Can you enlighten me with some perspective since you went through something similar? Why did you leave your bf who you adored? Did you find someone else ? Or is it just resentment? Thanks.

        Reply
  14. Tina

    dang that felt good.

    Reply
  15. Tina

    Wow I am so happy i found this thread. I dont even know where to start. It was october 2019 when I had my abortion. Although I dont like to call it that. I use “lovingly let go” instead. I let the pregnancy go at 5 weeks. I was 26yrs old…not a teen anymore. I was and still am in a great relationship of almost 5 years but other things in my life just didn’t feel right. I was drowning in debt, unemployed with no health insurance and was living in someone elses house while trying to pay down the debt. I also live in southern CA where it is so expensive to live. There was so many things I needed/wanted to accomplish before bringing a baby into this world. Where my guilt comes from is the fact that I had baby fever and made a poor choice. I literally wanted that dream of having a baby and in the heat of the moment we didnt use protection. In my head I wanted this. But when it happened I didn’t. I was not prepared. I was scared. I felt disconnected to the pregnancy. I was depressed. My partner was on my side for either choice. I am the one who brought up termination the day of finding out. I was sick to my stomach thinking about the life I would bring the baby into. I felt selfish too. I was not ready to care for another being with my current situation. Yes that baby would have been loved, but so many things would have changed if I kept the pregnancy. I did not stop crying that entire week. I felt so much shame and confusion but I felt as though I already made my decision and didnt want people getting in the way of that. I decided to write a list of pros and cons. There were so many reasons why I thought it was better to let the pregnancy go. I sat down with my boyfriend and decided that IF WE CHOOSE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS then things need to change. We need to work on every reason why we decided to not go through with this. So far, we have accomplished a lot on that list. There have been so many things that have happened that im like 90% sure wouldnt have happened if i went thru with the pregnancy. WHERE I FEEL CRAZY: the fact that I want to try and have a baby 2 years after my termination. I dont feel worthy of that. I feel like a bad person. Like I need to have EVERYTHING in my life together before deciding to get pregnant. There is a lot of mental shaming that goes on in my head and almost every month (around my period) is when I experience most of my “regret.” But then it passes. it also helps to bring out that list and remember that HEY I made this decision because of these factors. I think there will always be a hole in my heart somewhere for my decision. I never thought I would make that choice and my age. But I did. and I cant go back in time so I try and power through acknowledging all my achievements along the way. I worry that when I do get pregnant I wont be happy… or I wont be connected to the child. A lot of unnecessary FUTURE worrying. I also worry I wont be able to get pregnant because of my choice. There is a lot im battling with. I just want to be told that I did something that is OK. but in our world… sometimes it feels like im an outcast and will forever be looked down upon for my decision. Because the truth is, i COULD have made it work. i just decided it wasnt the right time. but was it? or was I just scared? who knows… like i said, you cant go back in the past. Acceptance is key. Loving yourself and constantly working on BETTERING yourself is what’s most important.

    Reply
    1. Kathleen

      Tina- YES! I hear you on everything you said. One thing in particular that I experience as well but never heard anyone else articulate is feeling the sadness and regret every time I get my period. This has been me since the termination almost 8 months ago. Every month. It’s exhausting and draining and like I have to pick myself back up and start the healing again. Good to know I’m not alone in that. Another person on the boards recommended the book The Healing Choice and it’s been transformative..

      Best,
      Kathleen

      Reply
      1. Tina

        It’s good to know we are not alone in these feelings ? thank you so much for the recommendation. Just ordered the book 🙂

        Reply
      2. A

        The period is triggering. I wish I had a support system of women or something in real time and real life. The pandemic makes it worse. Thank you all for sharing and love to all of you. You’re making it easier to breathe thru the tears

        Reply
        1. HC

          A I feel the same exact way. I wish there was some kind of support system for women who regret their abortions. It seems like the only kind of support groups is from pro life organizations that are heavily religious or support groups for women who chose abortion due to a medical issue. If anybody wants to talk, please reach out. I don’t know if there’s a way we can private message eachother on this platform. I feel so alone in these feelings too.

          Reply
  16. S

    I had an abortion today. Too many reasons not to keep the baby. I’m single, unemployed at the moment, even sharing a room, my family would never approve…so yeah in reality with no help and support from anyone. We’d be having a miserable life. That’s what I keep saying to myself, but my heart is broken. I already loved and wanted that baby. I just needed to share this too feels better to know you are not alone in your sadness. And I hope the day will come when this won’t be so painful for all if us.

    Reply
    1. G

      I feel okay with my decision sometimes. But the second I see something pregnancy or baby related on tv I get in a huge funk. I guess it’s the thought of what could have been…

      Reply
    2. Kristen Bailey

      Girl… I feel you, and I hear you. We’re going through the same thing right now.

      Reply
      1. Daniel

        My girlfriend is going through this and I have no idea how to comfort her. Any advice is appreciated. She’s so depressed over what we had to do, and I don’t want to tell her how to feel.

        Reply
        1. HC

          Daniel, the fact that you are coming here just to seek advice to help her is huge. Most guys just want to move on from it. Tell her she’s not alone, tell her how you feel about it and ask her how you can comfort her in this time. If it’s possible, seeking counseling together to be able to share these things with a third party to organize all the jumbled thoughts might be helpful.

          Reply
  17. Kathleen

    Rosa-
    Do you have the ability to see a counselor/therapist at least once to talk this through? I’d also suggest journaling your thoughts as much as you can. I did see a therapist and it was immensely helpful; I do wish I’d gone for at least one more visit though before I made my decision, just to solidify it. I did journal a bit while I was trying to decide what to do but I wish I had journaled more, in much more detail, about how I was feeling physically and emotionally. I had such morning sickness and depression that I didn’t feel like writing much; now I look back and think, I could have done this but in reality I’ve forgotten just how miserable I was feeling in those weeks leading up to the abortion. I think if I had journal entries to go back and read, it would help with the feelings of regret and longing that I have now.

    Please come back and let us know how you’re doing.

    Reply
    1. Doris

      I just wish I never had a abortion . I wish I could have see my baby

      Reply
  18. ASK

    Grace, I felt exactly the same. It happened 3 years ago. It was February 2017. Found it after Valentine’s day. I was really shocked and crying because I was 18 and living in the Philippines. I never liked babies, like ever… But my aborted baby was always an exception. I am 50/50 about that abortion before having it, but unfortunately, I took an abortion. My boyfriend and I talked about it and we both agreed it would be the best way because it was still the ‘wrong time’ to raise a child. I regretted it. It took me about a year and a half to finally get over it, but up until now, there are moments where I would actually cry and miss my baby. There was nothing I could do. I can’t talk it about to anyone, even my boyfriend because he thought I have already moved on. But it’s hard. There are times, I would dream about my child and a countless times I prayed for forgiveness.

    To everyone suffering the same, we are all together. Someday, at the right time… A precious child will grow again on our tummy.

    Reply
  19. Kelly

    I can relate to what you are feeling. It’s only been 5 days for me but I feel more grief than relief. I am married and we already have 3 kids, ages 13, 11, and 6. I have health issues that would make being pregnant and starting over with a new baby extremely difficult. My last pregnancy was very hard and it took awhile after to get my health back on track. It wouldn’t be fair to put a baby, my other children or myself through that. So, I know it was the right decision for us but it doesn’t always feel that way. I feel a deep sense of loss, guilt, and regret but feel like I can’t express that because it was my choice to go through with the abortion. My husband is the only one that knows about it and although he would listen if I wanted to talk, I feel like he expects me to be over it now so I just keep it all to myself.

    Reply
    1. Kathleen

      Kelly,
      Yes. Exactly what you are saying. My situation is very similar to yours. 3 kids–11,9 and 6. I do not have the health issues you do, but was finally ready to pursue my career after staying home with my kids for 11 years. And then I got pregnant. My husband is the only one who knows too and I finally started seeing a therapist, which had been hugely helpful to not feel quite so alone. But hard not to tell family and friends, though I also fear their judgement. It’s been 6 months since the procedure and it’s slowly getting better with time, though still lots of ups and downs. Wishing you peace and comfort.

      Reply
      1. Amy

        I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant a few days ago which was a hugely unexpected. My husband and I already have 2 kids, 2 and 4 and unfortunately not in the position financially for a third. I also suffer with coccydynia after my 2nd which is already a struggle when playing with the kids now let alone after a third pregnancy. I have scheduled a termination for tuesday and I have been inconsolable ever since. I literally feel like this is the worst time of my life. I know I will be that person who will always wonder what it would have been, who they would be like etc. I worry that if I’m feeling this low prior to the procedure, what will I be like after? I’m really scared.

        Reply
        1. Kathleen

          Amy-
          Such a difficult choice. Can you talk with a therapist or exhale hotline? I also suggest journaling as much as you can right now. Everything you’re feeling. In detail. This will help you down the road to remember why you made this decision, that it was well-thought out. It’s so easy after the fact to look back and regret this choice but if you’ve reflected and written down these reasons I think it will remind you and hopefully bring comfort. I journaled some but was honestly feeling so sick and depressed that I stopped writing. I wish I had a memory of just how awful and down I was.

          Thinking of you during this painful time.

          Kathleen

          Reply
      2. Kathryn

        Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus. For me it’s been 10 years. It gets better. I still think about it on occasion and I don’t think I’ll ever not feel sadness about it, even though I don’t regret it to this day. But as you’ve realized, it’s complicated. Life is complicated. I was always, and am still, pro-choice. But I had a lot of grief. It’s dull now though. I became majorly depressed and took a leave from school. It was hard for about a year or so. But I saw a therapist, took an anti-depressant for a bit, and eventually was able to get myself back together. I encourage you to talk to someone. Talking helps. You’re not alone. There’s a lot of gray space between the pro-life and pro-choice rhetoric—and a lot of real people with complicated feelings there. Sending love. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

        Reply
        1. Kathleen

          So nice to hear your perspective Kathryn. The more I read, the more I see you are so right– there is so much gray space between the 2 sides and it really boils down to each woman’s lived experience. Glad you have come out the other side, not unaffected but still having found a measure of peace.

          xo

          Reply
        2. Sarah

          Hey, would you be willing to talk?

          I am 5 weeks post and can not see a way out of this feeling of despair and guilt.

          Reply
        3. Chassidy

          thank you for this. the grief gets easier right?

          Reply
    2. Liz

      I am married with six kids and had my abortion in April . Health problems abs high risk pregnancies scared me into it and I have regretted it so badly since . I cry often and desperately want another baby now. I got so scared and really thought it was the right choice then but within a few days I regretted it, I cry constantly at pregnant story lines on tv etc. I’d do anything to undo it :(.

      Reply
      1. Crystal

        Me too Liz , I want to undo what I did and want to get pregnant by the same a**hole even tho I know that’s irresponsible because he has kids right now he doesn’t care about, but I would go through all that bs to have my baby. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life and when I passed the baby I felt so much love for it and that was the only thing that mattered in the whole world I didnt care that It was a one night stand and this guy has other people pregnant too I just wanted to protect and love my baby. I didn’t want to take the pill and made myself I should’ve listened to my gut, Thank you and everyone else for sharing their story it is helping me personally

        Reply
  20. Grace

    I also had an abortion in February and I miss my baby so much. Maybe choosing to have the abortion was the right decision but deep down inside I still want to keep the baby. My boyfriend and I chose abortion because “this is not the right time” but as time goes by I feel like that is not the reason. Now I doubt our relationship and his feeling for our baby. Feel like this sadness and loneliness continues forever.

    Reply
  21. Megan

    I felt the same way for many months after mine. It seemed like every thing I watched or read or saw had to do with babies and I just wanted to scream. It’s been almost a year now and I still get very upset but it gets so much better. Everything starts to make sense some how. Stay strong. I promise things will get better and you will get the answers your looking for.

    Reply
    1. C

      I’m dealing with the same thing…it’s been a week since my abortion, and all of my friends are having babies and are pregnant. And I knew it was the right decision for me, it just makes me so so depressed seeing everyone happy with these gorgeous infants that I could’ve had too. We will be okay, time will heal.

      Reply
    2. K

      I just had an abortion 2 days ago and it’s been very hard so far. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel as time goes on. Although it was my decision, I am regretting what I chose to do. Having a very hard time sleeping. Extremely sad and putting myself down for it. My boyfriend and I have a 3 yr old together. We knew it just wasn’t the best time for another but now I keep kicking myself saying we could’ve made it work.

      Reply
      1. Kathleen

        Oh K. Yes to all of that. The feelings of regret and “maybe I could’ve made it work” are the worst. And yet it is not fair or true to ourselves to judge what we did with how we are feeling now. You made the best decision you could at the time. I was listening to a podcast on regret and I loved the speaker’s suggestion– We have to have our own back. We are here for you and understand these tidal waves of emotions in the early days. Keep sharing; we’re here for you. xoxo

        Reply
      2. G

        Exactly. I feel the same. I feel guilty too. I had an abortion yesterday I was 15 weeks and I wanted to keep my baby. I’m 19 and I didn’t feel ready. I don’t have a job or go to school at the moment. So many things I thought an abortion made sense. Now I just feel alone and empty. Like I had a life in me yesterday and now it’s gone. I’m having trouble accepting my baby isn’t here anymore. I’m just overwhelmed with grief.

        Reply
        1. Bkkaa

          I feel the exact same way I had my abortion yesterday I was roughly 15 weeks aswel, I wanted to keep my baby so bad.. I just couldn’t tho I’ve got 3 children , my oldest is 4 , middle is 3 and my youngest is 1 .. me and my partner aren’t in the best place to of brought another baby into the world it wasn’t the best time.. I miss my baby so much, I feel so guilty and miserable with my decision but I know in the long run it was the best decision right now ?? thinking of you all ladies

          Reply
    3. Rosa

      I just found out I’m pregnant I’m 5 weeks pregnant & I’m going to have an abortion & I’m very scared I might regret this because big part of me wants the baby but my boyfriend is not ready for a baby and I don’t want to keep an unwanted child plus I need his support to keep it. & I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

      Reply
      1. Vanessa

        If you want your baby, don’t get an abortion because of your boyfriend. You can make things work without him. I was the opposite of you, I was so sure I didn’t want my baby. And go back and forth now after the abortion. If you know you want your baby, don’t let anyone pressure you.

        Reply
  22. Adrienne

    Mine was December 11th 2019, and I still become consumed by waves of grief and regret. I had no idea the emotion would be so strong as I felt clear that this was the decision for me. I have questioned it ever since. I have also become discouraged by reading statistics like ‘89% of women feel relief after an abortion’ That was not my experience and hearing that makes me feel broken. I’m in that unmentioned 11% that were met with debilitating shame and horror after.
    I feel you. I see you. I hear you

    Reply
    1. Nicola

      Adrienne, agreed – I had no idea the emotions would be so strong post-abortion. It’s… disorienting.

      Kenny, I relate to your last sentence. The time wasn’t right for me – now the ‘right time’ feels far away and undefinable.

      But, we never know what’s going to come. We had no idea that this experience would happen to us, or how we would react. In the future we can expect unimaginably *good* things to happen to us, too, including ‘the right time’ to reproduce (or not!) and feel secure and happy in that new, perhaps unexpected path. I hope we can be patient and open until then.

      Reply
      1. Dawn

        I completely understand. It’s been 3 months and things haven’t gotten easier. I’m feeling very empty tonight. I’m married and have 3 kids. I’m not the stereotypical person who has an abortion. My husband just doesn’t understand. Every time I look at my kids I feel sad. I just hope one day I can be okay.

        Reply
        1. Lucy

          I feel the exact same as you. I’m also married with 3 children and chose an abortion 8 weeks ago and I’m still consumed by sadness, I’m alone too as my husband just doesn’t understand or feel the same

          Reply
          1. Kathleen

            Lucy and Dawn-
            Another mom of 3 kids who had an abortion in January. It still boggles my mind that I would do this. I love kids. It felt like an impossible decision. It’s such an upsetting, incongruous feeling to look at these 3 beautiful children and think I denied this 4th baby….but then I have to stop myself and reframe these thoughts. I need healing not beating myself up. How are you both doing?

    2. Emm

      I’m one week out and Im right here with you, I see all of us women on here and feel it would be so helpful for us to connect on a deeper meaningful level. The pain is shared between us and I think it’s okay to heal in our own ways. Embrace the waves of emotions. They’re what will get us through ultimately.

      Reply
      1. A

        I’m 3 years out and its still so so hard. I know I need therapy, I had one for a while afterwards but my insurance changed..
        I can’t even say how old I am for fear of shame. Now my younger sister is pregnant and it’s a while new trigger of depression and anxiety.

        Reply
    3. Ro

      I feel the exact same, deep down I know it was the right decision, but I can’t help thinking what if I had my baby.
      And at the moment it seems that all I see around me is babies, whether it’s friends babies, on tv or just random people when I’m out.
      I feel so depressed, but everyone tells me it will get better. As for your ex, at least you haven’t wasted anymore of your time one him.

      Reply
    4. lindsay

      i read that too. i too am shattered beyond belief. im broken.

      Reply
      1. Liyah

        My abortion was October 23, 2019. It’s been exactly nine months. I’m 18 and I never wanted an abortion I told myself that if it ever happened I would keep it, but after being kicked out my house with no support from my family it seemed like I had no option. They pressured me into it called me names said I could never do it, to this day they don’t believe they pressured me. I know I made the final decision so I have to live with it but I’ve tried counseling, journaling, just about everything honestly and nothing helps take the pain away. I feel crazy because looking online you see so many girls that have relief and that is so not me, everyday I think about my baby. I miss a baby I never knew, never held. I really hope this gets better because I can’t live life feeling like this.

        Reply
    5. Rene

      I’m scheduling my abortion, I know it’s the right thing to do. And sometimes I even feel relief that I am able to access one but sometimes I’ll get sad and I’m worried if I’m getting one for the right reasons. I need some time to reflect on what it is I want but time isn’t really on my side.

      Reply
  23. Emilia Knight

    Kenny,

    You’re not alone. I just had an abortion a few days ago, and while I do thoroughly believe that I made the right decision for me, in this point in my life and given the situation I had found myself in. And I in no way was ready to be a parent. I don’t regret my decision at all, I whole heartedly believe I made my decision and it was the right one for me.
    However, I have been feeling a lot of emotions. I too keep telling myself that I’m fine, but if pregnancy/babies come up in shows, movies or conversations I shut down. I started getting panic attacks again when I found out I was pregnant. And I thought they would stop after I had the abortion. But nothing has changed – I’m still getting them, and like you my whole mood changes when babies or pregnancy is brought up.
    I have had a lot of support from my friends and roommates and have talked to counsellors on campus at my university and it’s all been very helpful.
    The point is, you’re not alone and the feelings that you’re feeling are perfectly normal. You should give yourself time and don’t expect life to go back to normal just like that. It’s a traumatic experience and you need time to process it. It’s super helpful if you have a good support system.
    You’re amazing and keep smiling ?

    Reply
    1. Grace

      Hi Kenny,
      I’ve been feeling the same as you. I have taken to reading studies online – they suggest that emotions fade over time. My therapist too stated that grief runs its course over a year or two so have hope! There will be good days and then they will grow more frequent.

      Reply
  24. Stormy Clark

    Hello.
    I had mine February 21st 2020.
    I am going exactly what you are with the google searches. I have drawn some pictures to help me. Going on here reading others feelings and reasons has helped me also. I have been having many bouts of tears and never expected to feel such a sense of loss. I thought I’d feel relieved and able to worry about the other big things going on, but all I feel is an emptiness. I hope you can find ways to cope or maybe channel the pain into things that helps others. I read somewhere that people actually feel better when they help other people. I know your pain…

    Reply
    1. Katy

      I have felt the same way but I am only one week out. I did read a peer reviewed article that claimed 42% of women felt regret in the couple weeks after their abortion. However, they also cite another study that found that 49% of women who continued their pregnancy felt regret. For some reason, that makes me feel better, I think because it reminds me that it wasn’t going to be easy either way. I will never get over this loss. Maybe we will never feel like it was right. But maybe that is okay.

      Reply
  25. Katie

    Kenny,
    I too felt/feel depression after my abortion. What’s helped me is counseling. I found a counselor through my insurance and saw her once before (she helped counsel me through the decision) and since I’ve gone about ever 2 weeks. I hope you can find someone to talk to. You are not alone.

    Reply
    1. Caro

      I also regret doing my abortion thought it was a best choice coz the boyfriend was cheating so it’s been 10 months now and I still think about it sometimes when I see a babe I just th ought of mine and go home then i cry a lot .. I sometimes think about it and just cry thought it’s hard to tell people about it coz i don’t trust them

      Reply
    2. Furaha

      I had my abortion in June and even though I felt it was the right decision then because we were not ready, the feelings that came after it were not worth it. I wish I could go back in time and not go through with it. The feelings are getting more intense rather than better and I don’t understand why. Now I am ready for the baby, my baby, but it is too late. We just have to hang in there and we all have our own ways of coping. Be close to people that can understand you. For me all this made me understand what matters and I guess I now know I really want a baby and your life doesn’t stop because you will have another person in your life to love. Find what makes you happy and do that but don’t try to avoid your feelings like I did, it just makes everything worse. Understand that this is not your fault and be strong. Hang in there girls.

      Reply
      1. Ali

        It’s been since January and it’s still incredibly hard some days. My boyfriend says I “always look sad” though I try not to be and I don’t talk to him about it anymore. I know we made the right decision, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. My sisters having a baby in a few weeks and I’d have been right behind her having my baby. So I think that’s amplified things. I don’t even know what to do anymore ? so I certainly know what you’re going through.

        Reply
    3. Vani

      Hi. I have an abortion scheduled tomorrow it’s the pill at 11 weeks. I am severely depressed. I am a single mother of 2 kids and pregnant with a third. I have scheduled this appointment twice before but never convince myself to do it. I’ve even become friends with some of the prolife (like me) protesters outside the clinics. My depression is the worst I’ve experienced in my entire life. That’s says a lot when I’ve been through and recovered from rape, unplanned pregnancy, divorce, etc. This baby is a result of irresponsibility with a guy I met literally right after I separated from my ex. He is out of the picture. I don’t care for him anyway. I’m prolife to the core and this constant turmoil in my mind of “how, what, why pregnancy now?!” has left me suicidal. I do not wish to live anymore. I’m only alive because I love my 2 kids. I wish God would have mercy on me. Both keeping the baby and aborting it are horrible paths to go through. I hate myself and hope that my antidepressants help me because I’ve never experienced so much pain in my life. Wanting to keep the baby but having no idea how to do so, I have no support, I have no career, only a Recently acquired stable job. Or the other horrible option of killing my baby and always regretting it. What a miserable place to be. I just wish I was dead instead of having to choose.

      Reply
      1. L

        I had my abortion 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant on my 18th birthday I told my mum and she told me to get booked in for an abortion straight away. I was 6 weeks when I found out and 8 weeks when the abortion happened, it was a short time in between and at first I felt quite attached to the baby and then I managed to distance myself from it so I thought i would be okay when I had to have the abortion. But now I feel horrendous I can’t stop crying I feel guilty and just over all really sad I don’t know who I can talk to about it cause I feel like they don’t understand and the people that do know seem to of moved on from it and I feel like maybe it’s something I should just be able to get over but I really can’t and I don’t know what to do.

        Reply
      2. A

        I thought i was the only one feeling the way i do after having my abortion. I had my abortion two days after my 23rd birthday and i do regret my decision at times. I cry all the time and my boyfriend understands but then he doesn’t . He gets sad at times too because he said he should’ve fought harder on keeping the baby. We’ve been having issues lately in our relationship and just our individual mental states on where we are in life. We both really wanted the baby but our financial situation and the timing just wasn’t right. Sometimes i try to tell myself that it wasn’t the right timing just to make the emotion of being sad disappear. I’ve prayed and asked God for his forgiveness but it’s so hard to forgive MYSELF. The pain , i won’t ever forget the pain i endured. Sometimes i wonder why God? Why did i do it , why didn’t i change my mind …. i feel numb at times . It’s so hard because i have no friends , my relationship of 7 years has a lot of friction and i didn’t even tell anyone in my family. I couldn’t even tell my mama and I wanted to so bad. I still have yet to tell her, i just don’t think I’ll mention it to her but i want to so she can just hug me and tell me it’s okay . I’m not okay. I feel like this secret eats at my soul everyday of just guilt and regret. My mind is always thinking about the “ what if’s” and then i see babies everywhere and i just think why didn’t i try ! Why didn’t i try to make my financial situation work. It hasn’t even been a month from my procedure and i ball my eyes out every night almost…I know my financial situation wouldn’t have been able to support a child , i barely can eat as it is right now and i want my child to not see their parents struggle , but i didn’t try my best. All i do is pray and pray and pray. I just take it one day at a time.
        I wish you all the best in finding your peace with your decision. I’m in the process of finding mine.

        Reply
        1. Christie

          I hope you are you are doing better.I came across your story by chance I guess.Wondeing if it’s normal to feel this way.Your story is so similar to mine and I had my procedure today 3/25/2021.I have been crying since I left the faculty and have not told anyone

          Reply
        2. JJ Ferrell

          I’m really sad as my wife wants an abortion as she’s about 14 weeks pregnant. Neither 1 of us have children as I’m 40 and she’s 31. Were not rich but were not poor either. We weren’t trying to have kids but it just happened. I’m not super religious but I do have morals. I don’t know maybe I just married the wrong person. Having or not having kids wasn’t a big deal for me either way but it’s different at this moment. I don’t think she wants the responsibility of being a full time mother for the next 4 or 5 years.

          Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *