Jocelyn Miller is a Montessori teacher in San Francisco who spends her weekdays supporting the growth, development, and independence of young children. She is a lover of writing, hiking, spending as much time outside as possible, and going to concerts. She wrote this piece to destigmatize abortion and to offer a story of strength and hope to women and men alike.
“I didn’t touch you, but I felt you. I didn’t know you, but I loved you. I loved you, my first, my only.”
The afternoon I found out I was pregnant with you was just like any other day waiting for my period: I was late. I had gone off my birth control a year prior and I didn’t get my period for six months; then once I did, they were not predictable: they always came, but my cycle wasn’t steady. Sometimes four days late, sometimes ten days… you get the idea.
I had been taking pregnancy tests every cycle for the past six months just to have peace of mind. And to be honest, your dad and I weren’t using protection. And each month, when it decided to, my period came. So at 26 years old, on April 10th, 2015, just as I had for months prior, I took a pregnancy test because I was eight days late. And just as I had for months prior, I did so with ease, telling myself, “What another waste of $15.” See, my boobs hurt and were swollen; I was tired; I was hungry. I was clearly going to get my period.
In the last twenty minutes of my lunch break, I walked to Walgreens and bought the test — thinking the employees must assume I’m really irresponsible (I guess I was?). I walked back to the preschool where I work with ten minutes to spare and decided, “I’ll just do it now. I’m not pregnant.” I went into the first floor bathroom and peed on that little white-tipped stick. As I was peeing, I thought, “Well, it’s definitely going to be negative since this isn’t my first pee of the day. Don’t worry though — you’re not pregnant!”
I sat on the toilet and watched as my destiny-deciding urine — diluted with water, coffee, and last night’s wine — crept across the screen. The first line showed up dark pink as it always did, and then, suddenly, a faint second pink line emerged. “Don’t panic,” I thought. Then, my eyes glued to the test as if it were revealing to me the secrets of the universe, I stared. I stared and I watched the second line darken and become more prominent. I stood up, pants around my ankles, and lost my footing, grasping onto the shelf that held toilet paper and Febreze. I paced the bathroom, test in hand, pants still around my ankles, repeating curses to myself like a meditative mantra.
Rapid thoughts flooded my brain. They were in no particular order: I broke up with your dad and essentially kicked him out of our apartment. Your dad is an alcoholic. I was accepted into the Montessori teacher training program two days prior. I was accepted into a Master’s program the day before. I was promoted to junior teacher two weeks ago. My blood is one part plasma and two parts pinot noir. And with this tornado in my mind, I wrapped the pee stick (that represented my fate) in toilet paper (which, I couldn’t help thinking, was a pretty good metaphor for what was now my life). I pulled up my pants, didn’t flush, and walked back into the classroom where twelve toddlers slept. I looked at them and I couldn’t believe that that potential was now inside me. And then I panicked.
I texted two of my closest friends. They told me to think about what I wanted to do and that they’d support me regardless of my choice. Then I panicked more… I hadn’t even thought about how I had a choice to make, and how this didn’t only involve me, it involved your dad, too. That’s when I called him and told him he needed to come home, that I wasn’t mad at him anymore for all the horrible things he had recently done, and that we needed to talk. At first, he was kind of a jerk, but eventually conceded to drive two hours back to San Francisco even though I had just sent him away that morning.
On the way to the apartment he called and asked if I was hungry. “Starving,” I told him. “I want a burrito. And chips. Don’t forget the chips!” I waited for him on the couch in our front room, digging my thumb into the ridge of my index finger on both hands. I sit there like that until I hear the front door open and your dad walks in. We have only one flight of stairs, but I must have stood and then sat at least twenty times, unsure how to greet him. He walks into the front room while I am mid-stand, so that’s how I greet him. He tosses me the plastic bag with my burrito and chips (along with several containers of salsa that I didn’t ask for but he knows me well enough to bring them anyway), and asks, with little emotion, “What’s wrong?” I sit down and ask him to sit too, and he does so, across the room. We sit in silence for a little while, then I ask him to sit next to me, and he does, all the while looking surprised.
I take his hand in mine and say, “Everything that’s happened the past few weeks doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not mad at you anymore. None of it matters.” Your dad’s hand squeezes mine, although I don’t think it’s purposeful, and he asks again, “What’s wrong?” I look him dead in the eyes, knowing I’m about to change his life forever. That’s the last burrito he’ll ever order without any major care in the world, I think to myself. And then I blurt out, without any grace, and much louder than I intend, “I’m pregnant.” His eyes get wide as frisbees and he says, “Wait. How do you know?” I pull out the test and show him the two pink lines. This apparently isn’t convincing enough, and he asks if I’ve taken any more… haven’t I considered it could be a false positive? I pull out a second test with two pink lines, that I took while on the phone with my sister — this time in the apartment, this time repeating different expletives. It all means the same thing.
Your dad looks at me and then the tests before putting them down, one in my lap and the other in his, but it falls in between us… how symbolic. (Sense my sarcasm, little one.) He puts his hand on my thigh and asks, “What do you want to do?” I ask him, “What do you want to do?” He replies, “I want to do whatever you decide. I support your decision and I’m here no matter what.” In the moment I feel I should be appreciative, but for the first time, I feel angry about ‘my body, my choice.’ Can’t, won’t someone just tell me what to do?! Out loud, we weigh the facts: I have my schooling, I’d lose my position of junior teacher if I don’t do the teacher training program, thus losing the ability to become a head teacher one day. That, and I literally broke up with him two days prior. Your dad talks about how he’s an alcoholic, out-of-work barista. Would you call that dad-approved? We wouldn’t.
I tell him I don’t want an abortion, but nothing about this makes sense. We talk about how we could make it work, but it just doesn’t make sense. And so, we eat our burritos, filling ourselves with reality and carne asada. We sleep in the same room that night, and the next day he drives me to work. When he parks in front of my school, in front of parents carrying in their babies and small children, I call Planned Parenthood and schedule an abortion for ten days from now.
Nine nights later, the night before the appointment, I go to sleep the same way I have every night since I found out about you: heartbroken and tearful. I cry. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to let you go. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and already, I feel like I know you — and yet I can’t have you.
Again, I sleep in the same room as your dad that night, and when my alarm goes off, I get ready to take the bus to work. Your dad offers to drive me, but I want to listen to music on my headphones. ‘Gone’ by The Head and The Heart plays, and I publicly cry at the lyric Gone are the days when the wind would touch my face, gone are the days when you’re the wind. I work a half day, then your dad picks me up and we drive to Planned Parenthood. There aren’t any protesters out that day and I’m grateful. After I check in, I have to take another urine test. Yes, I’m still pregnant. You’re still with me, and I’m grateful for that too.
I go into a patient room for questions and I’m told your dad can join me later for the mini-counseling session. I look back at him as the door closes behind me and I feel alone, until I remember you’re there with me. The first question the nurse asks is, “What was the first day of your last period?”, and I burst into tears. She assures me, “You don’t have to do this.” I tell her, “I do.” I compose myself. I have an ultrasound which tells me you are a five-week-and-two-day-old single embryo. The technician asks me if I want pictures, and I say, “I do.” When she leaves to print them, I repeat the lyric from ‘Gone’ and I cry more while holding my stomach. She returns and hands me an envelope. I open it and see two pictures of you. For some reason, I’m not moved, but still, I don’t want to lose you.
I move into the mini-counseling session with your dad, and we are firm on our decision. We then move to a different room and wait for the doctor. The abortion will be via the pill (which I think is an awfully ironic name for it). The doctor walks in and is quite pregnant. My eyes fixate on her belly, and I sob. She tells me, “You don’t have to do this. You can always come back.” I tell her, “I can’t.” I’m honest enough with myself to know that if I leave, I will never will come back. I ask for the pill and she hands me it along with a cup of water. I swallow hard several times until the pill burrows into the back of my throat like a rock. I cough and drink more water until it goes down, close to you. The doctor leaves and your dad and I hold each other and cry. We don’t say any words, but our embraces tell each other that we did the right thing.
Three years later, I look back on that day as the most difficult, important, unforgettable, and un-regrettable moment of my life. I wish I could have kept you, but I know our lives wouldn’t have been what you deserve. Each day, I will continually honor you and thank you for making the sacrifice so I could become a head teacher and get my Master’s degree; so your dad could take the steps he needed to stop drinking. You will always be part of my heart, and I know that if someday I see two pink lines again, it will be you coming back to me. And when that day comes, we’ll both be ready.
Cate says
This resonates with me. I did an abortion 10 years ago and never disclosed to my them boyfriend who is now my husband. He now know about it and wants to end our marriage of 4 years. Says he can no longer trust me as I betrayed him for the past 10 years.
Jocelyn says
Cate,
What you did in your life is your history and your past and whatever you choose to share with your husband, or what he found out on his own, is a privilege; it is your truth and what he knows of that, he should consider as an honor, because it is your unique story to tell. I don’t know if you have lived in regret or relief of your abortion before this moment, or what feelings his opinions have risen out of you now- all I know is what you decided to do with your pregnancy, whether that involved him ten years ago or not, was your decision. You deserve the acceptance and tolerance of a choice that is yours and yours only. You will be in my thoughts and in my heart.
Melanie says
I’m 33. I have an 11 month old and a 13 year old from my husbands first marriage. I’m almost 6 weeks pregnant and although I want this baby, my husband does not. He’s worried our quality of life will suffer for the whole family. I don’t know if he’s being dramatic or not but he thinks we will lose our home because we are barely making ends meet with one in daycare. I can’t quit my job, but I can’t afford 2 in daycare either. There’s no good option. We can’t afford this baby. But I already feel connected and cry so hard every time I think of letting it go. My heart is so crushed. I will make my decision within the next 2 weeks.
Maria McGrath says
Thank you for writing this. It resonates and although I’m still very sad, makes me feel more peaceful. I recently found out I was pregnant after having a late period. I had an abortion many years ago and I was fine with it because I absolutely knew I was in the right place. This time is different. It has the potential to work, but like you said, doesn’t make sense no matter how hard you look at it. I am finish a social work degree and my fiance just finished his Master’s and has started working. The place we live doesn’t have space for a baby and we are only just building our savings. I am so heartbroken. I have never cried to hard in my life. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. I want the baby, and he says not yet. I know that deep down he’s right but it’s tearing me apart. I’m afraid that in a few years I won’t be able to based on my cervical health. All I’ve ever wanted is to me a mom.
Smokin says
My wife had an abortion almost 20 years ago and has regretted every day since. We’ve been married about 10 years and I have children from my previous marriage that she loves as well but cant help being jealous of. She wo t talk to anyone as she feels she would be seen as weak. The subject presents itself fairly often and I am at a loss. She had a support network that would have helped and supported her but being very self sufficient wodnt allow her to acknowledge at the time. Now she feels she let her self and everyone else down. I dont know how to help her other than being there. I have tried to persuade her to look at forums or see a psychiatrist to help her through the guilt but she doesn’t want to be associated with the stigma attached with it. She is a very strong woman but this is killing her slowly and I dont know how to help.
nicole says
i’m 22 years old and just had an abortion over the weekend. my boyfriend has 3 daughters from 2 previous relationships age 10, 8, & 2. I know I made the right decision, but seeing him with his kids now breaks my heart bc he didn’t want the one with me right now. we are just buying a house and i know money isn’t good right now, but i can’t help but hate his kids now bc i had to give up mine. i’m so lost on how to proceed.
Lola Flores says
Im 16 and I knew there was no way I could support a child. But I can’t help but feel a deep sense of loss and regret over ending the pregnancy. I cry all the time and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
Sorin says
How did you tell your mother ?
Sarah says
Hi. I am heartbroken. There are no other words. My husband does not want another child. It would be my second but he has children from a previous marriage. I am 40 and do not want another child with my husband because he is not supportive at all. We do not have the money, the room, were too old, etc. It is killing me to know she is alive now and she won’t be in a few days. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. Feel so alone and feel like I will never get over this. And it bothers me that my husband’s doesn’t realize the pain I’m going through. How difficult this truly
is! I am 6 weeks and already feeling flutters and I feel like I will never get past be this. Ever.
Olivia says
I just passed the due date of what would have been my baby had i decided not to terminate. i struggle deeply with wanting to try again. i feel deep in my heart that i made the wrong decision and if i tried again i know i would make it right. but no one wants that for me. no one is on my side. i know it’s just rational thinking, but it still hurts a lot.
Catherine says
Thank you for this. I will terminate in 3 days. I am sitting with this sweet being I cannot support, and feeling so sad. I know what I will do and why I feel it is the best choice I can make, but I will never forget this little tiny creature that has visited me and wanted so much to be my family, as I so wanted to be hers/his. It is a deep sorrow. It means so much to see it spoken by another. Your words help.
Victoria says
This post hit home for me. As a minor in highschool who lives with her boyfriend (of 2 years), I had to have a termination back in September after finding out I was pregnant days before the dad’s birthday (Aug. 28). My partner said he would support me either way but I knew deep down to him it might as well have been the end of the world. I couldn’t talk to him about keeping it because he would panic and and say it wasn’t plausible anytime I showed attachment. Hesitantly I got the pill, I was just a day before 10 weeks, I held my baby and cried until I couldn’t. it didn’t take him long to move past but it’s something I struggle with frequently in the form of nightmares and guilt. I knew I wanted to finish school, and with barely making enough to keep the house stocked with I knew I would have to turn to work full time to be able to keep it. I never talked to people about it after. his mom knew, she had taken me to my appointment. I knew she hurt for me too. Now it is 3 months later and I always find myself looking at bassinets and baby items. Sometimes I wish I still had my baby. I pray one day my baby will cone back to me.
A M says
I lost my baby in August. A mother is a protector but I couldn’t, I killed my unborn. I had to. Please please please pray for us so that my darling would come back to me. And I too pray from the core of my heart that you all get back your unborn ones.
Erica says
We are all such incredible and compassionate women. I am yet to book the appointment but i know it is the better choice. This experience has done extraordinary things to me so far – i have softened and really felt into my feminine. I now have learnt something new about myself – i will absolutely love to be a mother one day. The connection is like no other.
Thankyou all for sharing your stories + most of all the letter to the little light. X
Hana says
Whats crazy is this exact story is mines (not in reality but figuratively) I literally did everything she did, said everything she said. And the dad is on pills really bad and i didnt find out until it was too late. I feel that it was indeed the best decision for me but I’m so emotionally torn that i feel horrible for doing it i was also about 5 weeks .
Ruby says
I didn’t go through with the abortion, I couldn’t once seeing my baby but ever since deciding to keep my baby I’m still. Struggling with the decision I made. Everyone had always said about decisions like this that you need to be 100% sure either way but I wasn’t sure either way at all. I worry everyday about what y child will be like when he is here, how y decision is going to have an impact on the people around me, on those closesest to me. I feel guilty because I strjuglle to show real excitement when I know others want to when they find out and I feel so false trying to bounce off their energy. I know I’m going to love him when he is here but in the time being I am just purely struggling. And I think I would have either way I would have decided so why am I finding it so hard to accept and move on.
Jaja says
Hi. Have you done it? My apt is tomo And I don’t want to go
Chocho says
I pray for all of you. I had my first and only abortion 10 years ago at age 22, my partner who turned into my husband were together for only 2 months and the uncertainty left me with the choice to dissolve my pregnancy at 5 weeks. To this day I cry in memory of the child that could have been.
Sydney C says
This brought me to tears. I got an abortion two years ago and while I know it was the right decision it is something I still mourn, that was my first and my only as well and this article HITS HOME.
My little sister just found out she is pregnant and I am happy for her but I just can’t help being sad that I didn’t get to know my baby and see him/her grow and I may never get that chance again ( was told it wouldn’t be easy to get pregnant to begin with) that baby could very well be my first and only. Sending love to all of you going through this situation .
Sad says
THANK YOU for sharing.
AL. says
I feel for you and very sorry for your loss. I had one 7 years ago and my one and only. I am now 48 and very much regret it and really don’t know how to go on, but somehow we must. My younger half sister is also pregnant with a girl which I always thought I would have. Keep the faith, you are not alone 🙂
Raquel says
I had one almost six years ago and I still cry about it. 36 years old and it’s looking like I won’t get another chance. Family assumes that I just don’t want to have them, when in reality, now, is that no one will have one with me. I cry at every baby shower/kids birthday party I go to, in secret of course.
Stephanie Love says
Oh, Honey. If you are in the position to do so, please consider becoming a SMBC (single mom by choice). There are different ways to go about this, like:
– purchasing sperm from a donor, via a cryobank
or
– locating a private donor and/ or coparent online
[https://www.coparents.com/sperm-donors/how-to-find-a-free-sperm-donor-online.php]
Those options may be easier, less expensive, and more in reach than you think. I realize this is an odd place to share this information, and I am in a much different situation now, but several years ago my partner and I struggled through severe male factor infertility when TTC my youngest. During that time, I had to learn a lot about our choices were, and I didn’t want to scroll past your comment without sharing some of that knowledge.
Hugs♡ and Merry Christmas!
Nan says
I’m struggling with this right now. I want this baby, but I know financially we wouldn’t be able to afford it. I just recently started a new job and I want to progress. I already have a little one year old and the thoughts of having to go through it all again, deal with the depression and anxiety that I still haven’t healed from. I think I’d end up more broken than ever. But I want my baby so bad. I’m struggling with my decision and I almost wish someone could just make it for me.
Lara L Bergerson says
I’m struggling with this decision. Because o hate that it’s a decision. My first pregnancy ended the relationship because I ‘betrayed him’, although he would ‘never step down from his responsibilities ‘, and that’s how he made me feel. Like something to be dealt with, a burden that was his cross to bear. Well, I made it out alive. I have a lovely 5 year old sweets, a better partner that would totally support me should this happen again……..nope. How do I pick them? It’s almost the same situation. I’m 9 weeks, and he pretends like it does not exist. Keeps chugging along with home remodel and building his shop, and when I remind because I’m STRUGGLING with being left with this choice. Do I honor my heart and have another sweet lamb, potentially subjecting this human to another absentee parent who secretly resents their existence- OR- do I get the abortion. It’s what he wants. I can’t be a single “baby mama”, with two “baby daddies”. Not how I thought I would live my life. I’m confused and feel horribly alone. He doesn’t mean too, he’s just a consummate bachelor annnnddddd….damn it.
N.A.B.A.R says
I can’t seem to decide on this but I know I have to do it… And I’ve been crying the past few days because I know I don’t want to be separated from my first baby but I can’t….. The baby daddy is crying too because we have a lot to achieve in life and this isn’t what we expected. I know one day when everything is settled down and fine she/he will come again and I’ll be more prepared…. It’s a hard decision…
Kes says
Hi there I’m in the same situation, don’t know what to do I’m so sick 😷 I’m booked in for abortion on Thursday, I’m already a single mum to two kids. My heart is breaking but I can’t have another child on my own. I took the morning after pill and it failed
Mikal Christian says
I have never commented on a public post but I feel I need to do. I have no one I can really talk to about my situation. My “boyfriend” and I have been together for 15 years, we have a 9 year old & make about $80K (maybe more) combined income but yet I’m contemplating abortion. Not because I want to but because I feel I HAVE to. He just doesn’t want another child, but what about me & what I want? A part of me knows there are logistical & rational reasons why we should not have another & honestly those out number the reasons we should but yet I still want my baby. I’m maybe 3-5 weeks pregnant but already feel attached. I literally cry every moment I think of aborting it. I feel alone, abandoned & ashamed that I have to make this decision. I feel like I have to get the abortion or he will resent me and our relationship will be over. I also feel like taking that risk, that my baby is worth the sacrifice. I’m just lost.
Mary says
Hi Mikal, I understand how torn you feel. I just went through having to make a decision as well. My advice to you would be to remember that at the end of the day, and your life, you have to be able to live with yourself, so forget about what your partner wants and do what is right for you. I hope that helps you make the right decision for you.
Praise says
I just broke up with my boyfriend 4 days ago after finding out that he has been cheating on me.Deep down I knew that I was pregnant after 20 days late of my periods and my breasts becoming tender.Today I Decided to take the test and found out that I’m Pregnant.I lost my mother a year ago and do not have anyone who will support me and the baby financially.It hurts that We’ve always had conversations about having a baby one daday,now that it is happening and I’m all alone,I feel like a stupid.termination is the only option but I don’t even know What to expect.
KC says
I hear you and I’m there for you. Wish I had a way to contact you personally…
Ley says
I know my future would never have turned out as well as it had, had I not had the abortion :). I came from foster care and was 19 when I became pregnant. When your raised in foster care – it is because there is virtually no one else willing or able to care for you as a child. As you can imagine, childhood and progression through young adulthood is very hard for foster children because most of our “supports” disappear once we turn 18 or so and are no longer eligible for the child welfare system’s services. My supports at the time were my boyfriend, a few very close friends my age, and my 4 younger siblings (3 were under 6 years old at this time). So not really any adult guidance, or access to the financial resources parents often avail their young-adult children.
I was pretty much pressured to become pregnant by my boyfriend at the time (now very ex). I didn’t want to be, but I had a hard time standing up to him and saying no for myself. The relationship was very toxic over all. And even though he ejaculated irresponsibly, and voiced that he wanted me to become pregnant.. as soon as I was, we both knew what needed to happen and he was on board.
Two years later in our relationship, he did end up confessing to me that the abortion caused him to resent me. But tbh, by that point in our unhealthy relationship – I had enough resentments of my own towards him to really care much.
Long story short – I’m 26 now, engaged to my partner for the last 5 years. I received my bachelors degree in adolescent counselling just last June. I’ve been employed in my feild for the past 4 years (student hires are highly sought in this feild). Since graduating, I was lucky to be hired right away at my DREAM job in my field.
My decision to have an abortion was a major fork in the road of my life. I can’t imagine what I would have done if I wasn’t able to have an abortion. To be honest, the abortion probably saved my life. I’m sure it goes without saying from reading about my childhood – but I have mental health issues and I’m not sure having a child of my own is something I will ever be mentally ready for, but I certainly wasn’t then. If you know you aren’t ready for this – trust yourself. It’s going to be okay. You are making the best decision for yourself at this point in time ❤️
Dee says
Thank you for sharing your story!!!
NJ says
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been battling with the decision for some time now, had an appointment yesterday and didn’t go because the voices of those who tell me I need to have the courage to keep the baby keep ringing in my head and those that guilt trip me on the decision of abortion and how wrong it is. Truth is, I have no job, I am back in school with one child taken care of by my parents, I cannot bring another right now and of I did this new opportunity would go away. So thank you, next week I’m going for it, as difficult as it is, as much as I want this child and already love him/her I have to be realistic and also ask, what kind of life would I be offering this child. Thank you. ?
Sally says
I wish you and your baby love and healthy lives your braver than I was I envy that, I had an abortion in April
Rose says
It’s been 3 months since my abortion. I was 5 weeks when I decided to let my baby go, I miss her everyday .
Sally says
I’m the same, my partner can’t understand why it still or ever did sadden me, he says it was too early no heartbeat, for that reason he does not feel what I feel, I cry alone, still. I know my baby deserves a life I couldn’t of given her now or at that time and I know one day she will come back to me, I get excited when i think about meeting her finally one day when we are both ready, I wish I had support here so I could cry to someone who gets it, I’m 23 and I had my abortion at 5 weeks and three days in April. It would have been too early to know the sex for sure but when I think of her I feel her and I know she was my baby girl… your not alone, whatever you feel, your not alone. Xoxo , AUSTRALIA
Keya says
My boyfriend does not understand either. When I told him I was pregnant the first thing he said is let’s get a chicken sandwhich. Then told me I was over reacting for waking up in the middle of the night over and over crying. It’s so unfair that guys help in making the baby. If anything more of their fault because they shoot the load but we’re the ones that have to suffer through the pain
Matty says
I begged mi amor to reconsider, I proposed to her 3 days before she had the abortion. She told me she was flattered but nothing could stop her from the abortion. Realizing it is her choice and respecting her decision has been rough but we’ve grown these past few weeks. It’s so hard. She has told me she regrets her choice to abort the fetus, she has said that many times now. I stand beside her and encourage her that she made the best decision she could. But I begged her not to go, I pleaded at times crying on the phone. It’s a hard feeling to know that there was energy of ours creating a life for 8 weeks. But it’s her decision in the end. I just wish I presented her with an easy choice. I feel like a failure for being the one who could not be seen as a wonderful choice to raise a baby with. The pain in my gut has not gone away. Surfing helps, but I know the best thing for healing is time. Praying for all of you and I know now every situation is so different. In the end this is her choice and all I can do is support her to the best of my ability.
AG says
This story is so touching and I’m thankful to have come across it. My best friend just found out she is pregnant a few days ago and she is only 19. We just signed the lease on our apartment and we were planning a trip to Italy for next summer. All I can think about is that I’ll no longer be able to turn to her when I feel like doing something that stupid teenagers do. She is planning to keep the baby because she doesn’t think she could handle the depression that would follow an abortion. I support her no matter what her decision is but ultimately I feel like she is too young to make the rest of her life set and stone. I’ve been her best friend for 6 years and I never saw this coming. She’s only known her boyfriend for 3 months and now they are contemplating a forever type of future together to raise this child. This is just not exactly what I wanted for her and I’m scared to lose my best friend in a sense because I’m not quite ready to grow up that fast. I wish I would’ve bought her plan b or made sure she was taking her birth control but those options are completely out of reach now.
Rose says
I just wanted to say thank-you for sharing your story. I am turning 23 in two days, on July 24th funny enough. A month ago i started feeling sick and tired. I told myself there was no way i could be pregnant. I took a test when i got home from work and sure enough i was. I told my husband minutes before we left to go camping. We talked all weekend, tried finding ways to make it work but we both knew it wasn’t the time because of so many factors, the big ones being my health and finances. Last Wednesday we went for the abortion and it has been the hardest week physically and mentally for me. But i wanted to say thank-you because your post was something i came across before i went in for my abortion and it brought me to tears. The way you wrote it felt so close to home for me and i just wanted to say thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. Like you, i have always wanted to be a mom and it was so hard to make this decision. We want to give our child the best life possible, and now is not that time. But like you said, when i see those two pink lines again, i know it will be my baby coming back to me.
Shawn says
I commend you for making that choice. It was also great that you had someone to give you a choice. I am currently 5 months pregnant with my child. I have a 13 year old with my boyfriend and we live together. Our relationship has been a roller coaster from start to now. When I had my daughter, he unfortunately couldn’t be there and I raised her on my own until she was about 6 years old. I moved to another state, finished my undergrad (with a newborn) in teaching and even completed grad school also in teaching (with a toddler at the time). Raising her was not easy on my own but he convinced me to move back so he can have his family. I was able to get another teaching job back in our home state, and have been teaching for years.
This brings me to a previous pregnancy right before this in which I unfortunately miscarried. I don’t feel like he was there for me as he should. We left the hospital with him saying we can try again. I will be 37 years old and have had previous abortions but after this miscarriage (I never had one before), fear that I will never conceive again came across me.
When I found out I was pregnant this time, I told him as we were arguing. From the moment on, he has told me to get an abortion, that it’s not the time. In my mind, I’ve raised a child on my own, and even with all the struggles, raising her has been the most rewarding experience ever.
I’m at the point where leaving him is the only option because each day he tells me to ‘get an abortion’ in person, texts, etc. My daughter knows that I’m pregnant and it’s a very stressful and uncomfortable situation. I feel my baby moving around and he doesn’t understand what I’m going through.
I’m stressed and feel so alone. Not as alone because feeling my baby every night move around gives me hope.
Alysse says
Im in a very similar situation, I have a 3 year old, my fiancé and I decided to try for number 2. I’m now 11 weeks and as soon as I found out I was pregnant he has gone back to abusing alcohol. He’s verbally abusive, I’ve spent all my money on him, no savings, lots of debt… he makes the money I just make very little. Now I’m thinking an abortion is my only option, I kicked him out last night. I don’t know where I’m going to go or how I’m going to make this work but I’m terrified…. and I have no clue what to do.
FierceS says
I really commend you Shawn. It can’t be easy and it’s hurtful for the man you’re suppose to be with to embed abortion in your head after telling you, you two could try again. I found out I was pregnant October 1st. I was 5 weeks and didn’t know it. I was so excited when I found out because I didn’t even know if could have kids. I’m 29 and each partner I’ve been with had children outside of me after we ended our relationship. I thought I was the problem. I got into a relationship with the man I grew up with and within 8 months I became pregnant with our first child. How first and my first. I was overjoyed but crushed the next day after he told me we weren’t ready and that I should get rid of it. He told me to decide between him and the baby and he would leave. I never felt more disconnected to anyone in my life. Abandonment threat…I couldn’t believe it. No matter how he was conceived this baby wasn’t a mistake not to me. We argued and I prayed on it. Considered his feelings but ultimately decided I wasn’t going to to do it. I told my baby it may have to be just me and him. Unfortunately my health started to take a turn for the worse. I had a disease that I didn’t know about that affected the baby because of my bloodstream. I couldn’t face a potential miscarriage, still birth or birth defects and my doctors had no guidance for me and what I was dealing with regarding my health. At times I couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, loss 9 pounds in one week, shortness of breath and felt like I was having a heart attack. Couldn’t take my meds or prenatals because the baby threw up everything. The worse I got the more my boyfriend managed to show up and take care of me. He advised me continuing the pregnancy would be a danger and I decided more so on my own after talking with my mother if it was the right decision to make for the baby. Putting the baby first. I was it’s mother. I prayed on it and as days went on my baby grew inside me but my symptoms from the pregnancy and the disease increased. I felt like death every day sometimes unable to stay out longer than 2 hours outside. I made the decision to get an abortion at 8weeks. Although I did it for health reasons I am still recovering. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt and the most heartbroken and devastated I’ve ever been. I’d give anything to see my baby smile. My boyfriend is full of regret and wishes he wouldn’t have said hurtful things. A week before the abortion he changed his mind and got attached to the baby. Now he blames himself and cries like me everyday. I still wonder if o made the right decision. I just him so much (I dreamt he was a boy) I feel like no one understands how I feel and the support I need to great of what other could provide. Stay strong and stay encouraged. Regardless of the decision you make it’s a life long one so be very sure. God bless you and your family.
Brandy says
Can I ask what you ended up doing? Did you end up keeping your baby ?
Angela Waterford says
Despite the fact that I used contraception, I still got pregnant last week. I think I’ll visit an abortion clinic to avail of a medical abortion service because it’s difficult for me to survive if I have a child. Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m sure I can get a counseling session to finally put my mind at ease once I finally have it done.
Katherine says
Hi guys im 24 yrs old. Just found out im pregnant as of today 6/18/2019. I live with my boyfriend he’s 39yrs old. Been with him for 5 yrs & he’s still married to his first wife and they both share an 8yr old’ she won’t let him see her since she turned 4yrs old but cries about her expressing how much he misses his babygirl.
**** Truth is i’ve been crying my eyes out i am on birth control always on time with my pills. He says if i get an abortion we must split that He’ll respect my decision but we cannot continue together. I love this man but i dont want a baby now and i feel the worst human being in this world for thinking that way.
Aimee says
I’m so sorry your feeling this way. I regret my decision so much and cannot put it into words. I miss my baby constantly. I dont want you to go through this…it never does go away. God has a way of pulling us out of any situation and will guide us and provide strength. You can do more than you think you can.
Karrie says
I have searching for someone going through what I’m going through but I have yet to find it. You’re feelings and emotions emulate mine. But here’s the problem, my husband and I are happily married. And I was supposedly either unable to conceive or it would be extremely difficult. I’ve had 3 surgeries for endometriosis and fibroids. We were told if we wanted children we would have to make a concerned effort. We chose 3 yrs ago to decide to be Childfree. And wham, I unexpectedly end up pregnant, at 41. For the first time in my life. As the embryo grows I am constantly conflicted. We, unlike many stories, are able to provide and give the child a good life. We just don’t know what we actually want, since we decided to not have children. I have been looking for support from this side. But no one talks about it. I have an appointment at planned Parenthood in 6 days and a doctors appointment tomorrow. I’m absolutely terrified of both scenarios and have been crocodile tearing constantly. Thank you for your sorry.
Rachel says
What did you decide to do?
Sarah says
I am curious as wel. If your willing to share that is. My and my husband have been diagnosed with infertility. We’ve trien for 8 yeats now and decided that if I turned 30 which is Dec of this year and I am not pregnant, we will give up. So I can understand your conflicting emotions.
Jul says
I was in a a similar position. We chose to end our family after two children. He had a vasectomy and yet I ended up pregnant again. Yes, he did everything he was supposed to and yes the tests afterwards declared him sterile. Yet we faced a third pregnancy two years after deciding that our family was complete. We had to double down on our declaration our family was complete. I’m mad as hell (still) that we took steps – responsible steps – steps that have to be repeated! – to NOT have to make this decision. We had to open up the conversation we thought was closed and re-examine our marriage and family. Our hearts held firm. Our family was complete. A few days later I had a surgical abortion. I was six weeks pregnant . It was hard but I don’t regret it. We don’t regret it. Anger boils in me now and again over it. I’m working on it though
Kelly says
What did you do? Xx
Alison Moore says
I just found out I am pregnant at 42. I’ll be 43 when the child would be born. I have three healthy children 21,17 and 13 from a previous marriage. My boyfriend has two children ages 18 and 13. I’ve often wished we met sooner so we could of had a child together. Ive imagined names and what he would look like. Now, faced with having one in our early 40’s is terrifying. If my partner would of came to me and said he wanted to keep this baby I would have and I would of felt more love for him because his courage. My heart would of gotten excited despite starting all over again. However he didn’t. He doesn’t want to start over and says that we are too old. I’m broken over this. Yet, I have an appointment with my Dr on Monday.
Sarah says
Hi. I am going through the same exact thing you are. I am 40 and my husband is not supportive and I feel so alone. How are you coping?
Kai says
Hi Sarah, I’ve just had a baby (two weeks ago) at 40, I do feel age is but a number. Although your husband is not supportive now, he no doubt will grow to love your little child. God bless you.
Sarah Marie says
Hi Kai
Congratulations! I agree about age being just a number but my husband is 50 and not interested in doing this again.
My husband has made this time incredibly difficult for me. He’s basically ignoring me emotionally but talking to me civil. I know he has to process this but I’m in agony and don’t want to make a choice based on what he wants. I’m so torn and feel so alone. The one person I need in my corner is not the there and I don’t know if I can do this all over again at my age.
Estephanie says
It’s been two years since my abortion and I always think about that little heart beat. Thank you for sharing your story, I made a promise to myself my decision was not in vain and I’m almost done with my bachelors degree.
Laura says
It’s been 44 years since my abortion and I think of her every day. I was never able to have a child, she was my first and only chance. You may wonder why I say “she”….. I know her from my dreams.
I always thought she would come back to me somehow but only in my sleeping dreams and waking thoughts.
Victoria says
I’m so sorry. She is with you in your dreams at least. Love to you and your baby girl.
I aborted my second child at 10 weeks 16 years ago and have regretted it since. My husband was in prison, I cheated on him, got pregnant, he gave me the choice between keep my baby or our marriage. I made the wrong choice. I wish I would have told him to have a nice life. Tears and snot are running down my face as I write this, I have 2 beautiful little girls after this and it hasnt got any better. I hope my 2nd child knows I love him or her. I hope to someday get to tell my child face to face that I love them and I’m sorry and they deserved better. ..
a grateful student says
thank you so much for this. it really makes my decision i made 10 months ago seem like the right one. i know my baby will be returned to me, someday.
Ayanda says
I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, I dropped out of school and my life is a mess. Thank you for this I hope one day I’ll find a way to be okay
Caroline says
I really feel stupid and sad I’m pregnant and everyone doesn’t support my relation ship.i now want to abort and sadly get over my man
Ava says
I’m 22 and I recently went through my 2nd abortion. All my life my dream was to have kids. It always feels unfair that the times I get pregnant, I had to terminate the pregnancy. I went through every logistic – financial, physical, mental to see if I could go through with it. It breaks my heart to know that the only two times I’ve been pregnant ended with me terminating. But I do not regret it. It would have killed me alive to have given birth to those children and given them a life they did not deserve. And I like to think that only because they aren’t physically here doesn’t mean I’m not a mom. I am a mom. I’ll always be one. And because I am one, I made the right decision. And I’ll honour them both every minute of every day. Does anyone else feel similar?
Mary says
I don’t blame you for choosing to terminate your pregnancy.
J says
Thank you so much for sharing this. It will be 8 years since my abortion in July and I still think about it every day. Like you, I could not have made a life for my baby at that time. It takes courage to share your story, especially with so much honesty. It is simply not a choice anyone wants to make.
Megan says
I am in the middle of mine as I type this. Took the first pill today to block the hormones. Tomorrow I take the pills to expel the tissue. I’m already a mom and I love my daughter more then anything. I want two more children. But why was this pregnancy right now? I’m in the beginning of my nursing school. I’ve worked hard to get here and set myself into a schedule for still working, still being able to play with my daughter and somehow study. This would have delayed everything. I might have forgotten what I learned and failed my license exam in the future since I’d have to take a leave.
I didn’t want to do this. I feel like shit because I was raised that this was wrong. But it’s only 5 week’s so it’s nothing more then a pack of cells still, right? I’ve been sobbing and my drive home I kept apologizing outloud for what I had just done.
I hope that there wasn’t a little soul in there yet . I hope I only delayed meeting my next little one instead of completely losing out on one unique beautiful baby…
Alex says
Thank you for sharing. I had an abortion 6 years ago at 41 years old and was the one and only time to have a child I always wanted. However I was with a married man who did not want this and it was an accident. I was rattled with anxiety and guilt and overwhelmed. I knew in my heart that I didn’t want to let it go. I haven’t gone one day without thinking of it and causing major heartache, especially as family members and friend have now kids. My heart tells me it wa a girl. Constant regret and pain 🙁
Ashley says
Thank you ??
Sophia says
I have to go through a second one and I don’t know what to do. I need advice from someone, anyone. No one understands what I’m feeling, I hate myself for this. I don’t want to go through an abortion again.
Kara says
I’m sending love your way, dear one. 13 years later I still cry for my baby. I wish I had advice or something magical to say to make everything all better…I don’t. Would adoption be something you could manage? So many people would love to give that little one a home. All the best to you <3
Rose says
I too am going through my second one and I feel absolutely horrible, so I completely understand what you are feeling. I found out I was pregnant today and through the tears, I scheduled the appointment. I am not in a relationship with the indivdual that I am pregnant with and nor do I want to be as it is a toxic relationship. I am experiencing so much guilt and pain going through this again, especially since I am 32 years old with no children and two months away from completing my masters. I know this choice that I am making will be the hardest but I know in the long run, I will be saving my child from being born into a dysfunction environment… I at least owe my child that.
Kim says
I recently just had my second abortion in 9 months . This was with the same toxic individual that I got pregnant the first time with . He abandoned me and hung up on me when I told him a few weeks ago. And I haven’t heard from him since. He doesn’t know the end result, nor do I feel that he deserves to. I have so much pain and hurt in my heart. I don’t understand how someone who has children already, can be so selfish and cold hearted. If anyone has any advice, please send it my way. I’m very open about discussing this, but it’s been difficult. Even my close friends don’t know this time.
AH says
Tell your friends, I don’t have many friends but I’ve told my closest ones…. And while sometimes they are not always as sensitive to the subject as I’d like (not on purpose) it feels so relieving to tell someone….
Chan says
Hi,
I too had an abortion a couple of days ago 1/10/20. Just a few days before my 22nd birthday. When I first found out I initially was a bit upset but over a few days I grew very attached. However I was so sick I could barely make it to class and I was on the verge of going to the hospital for dehydration. My boyfriend and I decided it was best to have a surgical abortion( I personally recommend this over the pill as I did not want to experience actually passing the baby, bleeding and cramping for weeks possibly!)
The clinic I went to was great! Even though I knew none of the other ladies who were there for the same reason I felt like I was not going through it alone. I did have a moment of sadness and what if’s but ultimately I was so sick( 7 weeks 4 days) I could not wait to get it over with! Immediately after I felt relief that I was not constantly nauseous and I could eat again. However, I was quite blue that I was no longer pregnant and I actually experienced a bit of anger as the situation brought up unpleasant feelings from the past. My boyfriend was completely supportive of me and even now when I talk about the baby he knows that it makes me feel better. I don’t regret it but I do have feeling about what if. It’s nice to see other ladies have the same emotions and I know when the time is right my baby girl will come back to me (:
Claire says
This might be a bit forward and seem strange of me but I have been through this twice before so if you would like someone to talk to or any support you are welcome to contact me anytime x
Shan says
You are amazing.
Og says
I just had mine this afternoon. I feel so torn apart. So heartbroken. I wish I could have kept him/her. I already felt so attached. Thanks for this wonderful piece.
Ashley says
I felt empty after too, 10 years later and I still have regret. I miss my baby. ?
Ashley says
My name is also Ashley and im also at the 10 year mark. I miss my baby every minute of every day.
Alex says
I feel for you.
Same with me 7 years. Heartache and emptiness daily. Wishing all loving thoughts to you.
Dee says
I found out I was pregnant on September 23rd, 2 weeks before my 21st birthday. Everything about the timing felt wrong, but even then I still wanted my baby. My boyfriend was with me when I took the test. He is quite a bit older than me and has 2 kids of his own already. He made it clear that he did not want to have another child and truly no matter how bad I felt I wanted my baby, I did not want to do it by myself. He said he would be there no matter what, but I still didn’t want to force a family on him if that’s not what he wanted. I didn’t want him to be there for me or my baby out of obligation, I wanted him to be happy. Time went on and as I struggled with my decision he eventually came around. He started to be excited about the idea of starting a family with me and even though we were both stressed and both cried a lot.. we finally started having discussions about moving in together, getting better jobs finding a healthcare provider and all types of different things to prepare for our baby. He even started pulling out old toys and other items from when his own children were young. It was at this point that I started to get really nervous, terrified actually. Now that he had finally accepted it, it officially became reality. I thought about how I had just lost my job, just went back to school, was still struggling with grief from a lost loved one and trying to take care of my mom while still trying to learn how to take care of myself. Even with his support, the support of my mother, sister, and friends.. I still was no where near ready for how much my life would have to change. I was literally petrified and afraid that no matter what I tried to do, what if I couldn’t get it all in order before my baby got here? What if I still had no money, no stable place to live? What if I was never able to get back on track with school and start my career? All the what-ifs led me to deciding that the best decision for me would be to terminate. I was 6 weeks when I went for an ultrasound .. and all I saw was a small blob that I referred to as “my nugget”. I really did not want to get rid of my baby and I knew that in my heart, but somehow logic (or what I thought sounded logical) overpowered my emotions. I cried every day leading up to me making a decision, and I set the appointment for the very next day after I decided so that I would not have much time to change my mind. I knew that if I went in for an ultrasound and saw features on that monitor.. there was no way I could go through with it. Anything further than 6 weeks and I could not have possibly stood firm on my decision. I opted for the surgical procedure because I was told it would be the quickest. I cried so bad in the clinic and during the procedure that I still have nightmares and flashbacks often. I regret my decision every day. I miss my baby every day. This hurts me down to my soul. She comes to me in my dreams at least once a week. I’m praying that I get an opportunity to meet her one day .. look into her sweet little face and just hold her and never ever let her go.
S.A says
Thank you and to all the the comments
LC says
Thank you for this. I am not waiting for my appointment in about 10 days for now. I have been scouring the internet for stories because keep either seeing people who wanted to do it and doesn’t regret it, or people who regret it all together. The emotions you displayed in this article made me cry because it is exactly how I feel. I don’t want to do this, but the dad is not ready and I am not able to care for a child alone at this point. I too, am at the beginning of my career and am receiving more opportunities to advance as well but I have a long way to go. I am sad because I already have a connection with the child in my belly and I cry everyday thinking about the fact that I won’t be able to hold him or her or see their face. Thanks again for this though, I wish you the best and it’s great to know I am not alone.
Kira says
I love this story. It’s been 7 years since my abortion, and I miss her. Except I really don’t want kids so she’ll never get the chance to come back to me. Breaks my heart.
Courtney says
I am 29, and I had a medical abortion at 6 weeks on December 6th of this year. The month before was the most emotionally and physically exhausting of my life. Every night I went to bed, I cried. I felt a sense of love and attachment to the baby I knew I had to let go. It is a very heartbreak-ling sad feeling.
I couldn’t relate more to this paragraph you wrote:
‘I go to sleep the same way I have every night since I found out about you: heartbroken and tearful. I cry. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to let you go. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and already, I feel like I know you — and yet I can’t have you.’
Joan says
I am so sorry you had to go through this. No matter how much support one has, it can so easily feel like you are going through it alone. I have seen many of my patients go through something similar and it is never easy. I hope you are healing well and have found happiness in other ways, until one day you and your unborn baby see each other again.
Joan says
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Even if you have others’ support around you, it can so easily feel like you’re going through it alone. Many of my patients have gone through the same thing, and it is never easy. I am unable to have children, so I will never know what it feels like, but I share your pain through the experiences of others. I hope you are healing well and have found happiness in other areas of life, until you and your unborn baby see each other again.
Colleen says
I read this the night before my appointment for my abortion. It was my first pregnancy, my husband is deployed, and I just happened to be going through this process physically alone (minus a couple friends there for support).
Since I found out I was pregnant my life has been a living hell… my husband immediately voiced we couldn’t handle this right now, and though I was emotional about it at first, I knew he was right.
However, reading this, even though it did make me cry, also made me realize I could look at this moment as something to grow from and not just bury it away as a bad memory. I do wish I would’ve had more support during this time, mainly because my husband shut down due to his circumstances, but it has gone to show me just how strong I am… and how much stronger I can be.
Thank you for sharing
Ashley says
I had my abortion at 5 weeks and 1 day i knew it was the right thing to do but i did want my baby … I was scared but overwhelmed i didnt want to go thru what i did i remember a time i was for abortion but until u have to go thru one u have no right to talk i too also got my sonogram which was supposed to be a joyful experience it still was because wow it was beautiful .i love and hope to see my baby one day ..
Em says
Thank you for sharing. I feel like its hard to find forums where women aren’t either all regret or all confidant/fine with their decision. I am so sad that I will never meet that child, but I also know that it would have been less than what we all deserved. I don’t want to undo my choice, but it’s still so hard to live with sometimes. I’m so scared though, because I’m no longer with my boyfriend… I won’t get to meet that baby anymore, if it happens it will be with someone else, most likely.
Emily says
I found out I was pregnant exactly two years ago this weekend. I remember my boyfriend and I sitting in the car one evening and wondering aloud what it would look like- would it have my eyes, or his nose? A boy or a girl? I still wonder what if. Each holiday, any milestone or time marker, what my world would be if I had chosen differently. But I don’t regret it either. I believe that ultimately, our babies are still with us in a spirit. Just like our loved ones that preceded us. Your baby will always be with you, even if your boyfriend isn’t.
Katy says
Thank you for sharing. The last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. I had an abortion at 5 weeks 6 days, pill as well. I did it because I loved that little soul so much that I knew he deserved better. Sending love your way.
Shay says
Am i allowed to feel i did it for the baby? In my heart i know that baby would have deserved better, but is it ok to feel THat way?
Ashley says
I think when we choose to do something like that we are so confused. I was very confused. I didn’t want anyone in the world to have my baby, I didn’t want the guy that knocked me up to have my baby and I also felt a little pushed by his mother to have the abortion so instead of keeping him or her for myself I killed my baby. I feel like the world makes us feel weak, like we can’t handle both our dreams and a child that will love us and need us more than we could understand. Just my thoughts… ??
EY says
Jocelyn, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story. This is my first time reading a story that actually resonates with the bittersweetness if my own experience. Thank you for your bravery!
Taylor says
Thank you so much for this. I recently experienced my first pregnancy, at 19 years of age and with four years of nursing school ahead of me. I chose to have an abortion for many reasons, including those I just mentioned. I am really struggling with the choice, even though I know it made most sense. Like you, I was always so excited to become a Mom and I felt a sincere connection as soon as I found out I was pregnant. So many of the feelings you described in your post match mine, and as I read, I finally felt something other than ‘alone.’ Thank you again.
M says
Reading this story and the comments gave me some of the comfort I needed. I so badly want another baby, but I got pregnant by the wrong man at the wrong time. My pregnancy officially ended this evening and it hurts so bad, I feel so much sadness and loss, but I know my baby would not have had the life they deserved…as difficult as it is to process, I know deep down that this was the right descision, this baby deserved so much more than I could give.