CW: suicidal ideation
I am 21 and entering my final year of university. I had been dating this guy for nine months at this point, and I was convinced he was the one for me. I lost my grandmother, who would be my only mother figure, very suddenly and he was there throughout it all. It was never a perfect relationship, but I stood by him through it all because I had hoped that we could survive anything.
We were regularly having unprotected sex, as we both got tested at the beginning of our relationship. I never thought I was even fertile, as my periods had a tendency to sometimes go irregular, and so a false sense of security formed. He used to say to me during sex that he would like to get me pregnant, because he would love to keep me around. This is a prime example of men saying anything though.
I was feeling more and more sick, but my period wasn’t even late at this stage. I had a habit of taking tests to trigger my period starting when it would go irregular so I said I’d give that a try. Then I took the test, not even really suspecting I was pregnant. I had chalked every symptom up to being stressed and having grief. When I saw it was positive, I was in shock. He was in work and his only real answer when he picked up the phone was that I didn’t have to tell anyone and we could take care of it. From the start he was pushing for an abortion.
I believed him when he was saying it was the best idea, and we could go back to our life plan of traveling and being just us and enjoying that. He withdrew from me over that week, and I felt so alone in it all with no one to talk to.
The day of the initial appointment, he was avoiding me still, but then when he showed up he played the perfect part of a caring partner. After I had taken the first pill, he confessed that he had already told his family, and they said to keep lying to me until I had swallowed the pill. He said he had resorted back to porn for the week and was avoiding me on purpose.
I felt betrayed but he said it was different now it was sorted and I believed him. Except it wasn’t. I then found out he was telling a friend of his, one he had told me isn’t trustworthy. I was upset, and asked why he was even telling, when he knew my family had no idea yet?
Then five days after having the abortion, the little fights became big again and he admitted to hating me. I became suicidal and the struggle I’d had the whole summer came to the front. So he contacted my father, and told him. And then he left completely.
I now am feeling no better about any of it. I had to tell college and delay my starting date, and tell my family. I regret listening to him, because I always wanted to be a mother. He’s already moved on and it’s only been a week and a half since I had the abortion.
Just be careful who you choose to have unprotected sex with, because even if they act like they love you, they will switch up just as fast. Now he will get to live his life, and find someone he deems worthy of having a family with, and I will never get to have my baby.