My boyfriend and I had only been intimately together for 2 months after years of knowing each other when I became pregnant. We hit 3 months when I took the test that confirmed it. I had previously been on birth control for 15 years of my life and it had made my life hell, which I didn’t realize until I stopped taking it (I was having headaches every day, GI issues, etc. which all went away after 6 months of not taking the pill). Once we became intimate, I was hesitant to begin pills again and I felt fully in-tune with my body so we used the natural cycle method. Clearly, did not work. Or he has super sperm!
Either way, I have never really wanted to be a parent. I was also drinking heavily because I became pregnant around the holiday season. This made the initial decision very easy for me. I would terminate, go back on birth control, and we would go on with our lives. He’s a bit older, so he was a little excited and kind of wanted to keep it, but knew that right now is a bad time. He supported my decision and was with me through the whole thing. I’ve lost my job, have zero income on my end, it’s taken months to land interviews, he’s going back to school in his 40’s, our relationship is technically new, and the overall feeling of never having wanted kids.
So I go through with it. The pain was expected but also a bit shocking. Then the baby came out. I saw it, and absolutely lost it. I did not expect to feel immediate regret. It was such a strange grief that I never would’ve thought I’d have in a million years. I couldn’t stop crying and feeling completely overwhelmed by thoughts of life and death, and how fragile everything is.
I’m so sorry little one, I wasn’t ready for you. I hope I can meet you in another life, a dream, something… someday.