Its been less than a week since I had a MA (medical abortion). I’m writing this to express that its okay to feel however you’re feeling right now.
I knew before the test. Not necessarily consciously, but I knew. I kept denying that these symptoms are just my period and kept waiting for the blood, I was practically in denial.
Then i felt my uterus, and it wouldnt stop just having a pressure there. That night I took the test and the two pink lines set in.
My first reaction was collapsing to the floor in tears. This was the second time ive dealt with this with my partner. I wasnt safe before but it just seems we have insane bio compatibility. I got on birth control after the first time but it had recently run out.
I felt responsible, stupid and defeated. I cried for hours because I just knew it. The worst part is that I swear I could feel this deep spiritual connection with a being that was only a couple weeks formed.
But i loved her entirely already. I loved her with my soul and shortly before that test i had thought about how beautiful our baby girl would be.
I was and still feel a bit devastated.
It takes both to make a child and my partner has been very supportive. I just feel distant.
I knew right away the only choice that i could make was the MA, and i didnt know if I could handle it.
Im working full time and my partner has no income coming in, my caregiving pay barely gets us by each month and I refused to be my mother. I smoked weed before I took the test, every preparation I had planned to do before I couldn’t.
So for the best of my own well being and my baby girls I knew what was needed to happen.
It didnt make the decision easier.
Its been 4 days and sometimes i feel as if I may not be able to go on.
Reading these stories has helped me stay strong and I’m writing to let you know that whatever you feel is valid.
Even though i feel my decision was the best i couldve made, I still struggle and have to take it day by day.
We should not feel shamed for something our mind shames us enough for, the one thing i read is that when/if its time, she will come back as she was before.
I write this in the throes of depression in a hope that this may help you feel less alone. Even with a partner its still hard to convey how deep this feels and I honestly dont think they will every truly understand, but it does make me feel a bit better that other people do.
Stay strong and stay alive, we get such a limited time on earth, spend it being someone and doing things you can be proud of, even if some decisions make you second doubt yourself.
Stay strong my soldiers and you will get through this, listen to your body and stay hydrated.