Submitted by: Stacey

It’s only been 2 weeks, but this is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I have lost my dad and my step dad, but this grief is so different and painful.

I will be 43 in one month and have no kids. I have always wanted that marriage with 2 kids, a dog, and a white fence… the American dream right. Well , that’s not my story.

I met my husband when I was 33 or 34, we dated for close to 6 years before we got married. Why so long? Because we fought and got into bad cycles, and time kept on moving along. Well, we had 2 miscarriage in the years. We decided not to do IVF or adoption, and we decided if it happened it happened. When we made this decision I was 42 and he was 48 (so about one year ago).

Well , COVID-19 will be a year I will never forget. I found out in March I was pregnant right when we all had to go into isolation, we are both working at home during this time and we started fighting bad. I mean, really consistent and bad. I wasn’t far enough along for it to be real for him since I had miscarriage In the past.

I was so emotionally and physically exhausted. My situation was different because we weren’t fighting due to the stress of COVID-19, we have been blessed and still have our jobs and don’t have extra stresses. I had conversations with him about being burnt out from all the fighting, but we would “try” to work it out, so I had to decide if I could be a single mom at 43 years old.

I was faced with this decision while living in consistent fights and my crying. My career hasn’t been stable over the years for my age that I am financially comfortable so even with child support, that worried me. I so desperately have always wanted to be a mom, but I was also worried about my age. Yes, I’m sure I could have done it alone if it came that, which I’m sure it would have.

Anyway, I came to the hardest decision of my life. I did go to therapy every week to help talk things through. Now I’m thinking I made a bad mistake. However, somehow just writing this has helped in the moment. BUT, why did I get pregnant right before “our deadline“ and then get in these huge fights… it breaks me in half.

I grew up with parents who got divorced when I was in 6th grade and fought. I told myself I would not let a child be around that because I know it affected me. It’s so hard to see families right now and even look at kids. It wasn’t like that before. Does it get easier? I don’t want to feel this way in 10 years or 5 years, wishing….

I never in a million years thought this would be my story.