Submitted by: E. S.
I found out I was pregnant and being only 8 months postpartum. I was at a loss for words, but I held back my emotions and remained stoic. I didn’t let the fear I was feeling show on my face as I sat with the doctor.
I left the appointment, hopped in the truck with my boyfriend, and rode silently for a few minutes, hesitant to tell him. Finally, I just blurted out “I’m pregnant.” I stutter and fought the lump in my throat, regained my composure and said it again clearly. Yes, he was genuinely shocked as we had been actively trying to prevent it in more ways than one.
I just said that I felt there was no way we were ready for this right now, and to my relief he agreed. I cried and cried the whole way home. I felt so stupid upset at myself questioning “how could I let this happen? How stupid am I?” I guess that’s the shame I felt. The shame of “getting knocked up again” so Soon after giving birth.
I got home and googled and found the nearest planned parenthood, then scheduled my first appointment for two weeks out. It was an hours drive. Initially I wanted to take the pills, but I was right at the cut off although I am glad I had the surgical. I think it was much better for my mental and emotional health. I felt zero judgement from the staff I felt so supported that appointment was unremarkable. I scheduled my abortion and left.
Leading up to it I had no doubts. I felt I just wanted to get it over and behind me. On the day of, the closer we got, my anxiety spiked up a little, yet still I remained feeling like this was the best choice for me and my family.
The wait was long — almost 5 hours! At last I am called back. I must’ve laid with my legs in the stirrups for 15 mins waiting while the two nurses made small talk. That was awkward, but in that moment I still felt peace. Finally, the doctor comes in and asks just to make sure we are all on the same page. “What are you here for?” And I respond appropriately.
I don’t remember much after I was given the moderate sedation. I remember at the start looking up and the ceiling tiles were moving and feeling painful cramps and a tugging sensation. After that, the next thing I know I am having my 3rd set of vitals taken and a check up on my bleeding, then I was good to go home. I felt relief and at peace, and I still feel this way to the point where I questioned, am I a horrible person? I am supposed to feel remorse and be depressed, right?
A great friend reminds me that I am not. I anticipated much more bleeding and cramping then I had. I bled initially and then for a few hours and that’s been it no pain and just some spotting. Over all I am not proud. I hate that I let myself get into that position, even while trying to avoid it, but I did. I made my choice and I am okay with it.
I understand that it is not like this for every woman, as every story is different, I just felt the need to put my story out in the case another women felt like I did. So if she’s questioning whether or not she is a bad person, and if she is a mother to children already if this makes her bad. I also am grateful to live in a time and state that I had the ability to make this choice, and the ability to have safe and legal access. This is so important. I will also add that I always was pro-choice but felt like I wouldn’t be able to go through with one myself. But here I am, and here I am feeling at peace with it.