Submitted by: Scarlett
Had an abortion in early October, I WAS LESS THAN 5 weeks!!! I am married with TWO toddlers and we planned to have a 3rd and I got pregnant immediately.
I have always been somewhat psychic or intuitive. When I got pregnant this time something hit me. Something was SCREAMING from my body saying “don’t have this baby now, your life will change and not for the good”. I was being mama bear and protecting my children and their lives, so my husband and I made the hardest decision in our lives and had to say goodbye to our little fertilized egg. It was horrible. I think about it so much but it’s getting easier. Then this whole pandemic hits AND I CANNOT IMAGINE BEING PREGNANT RIGHT NOW, and I am grateful I had a choice and that I am healthy and happy and hoping we remain that way.
Thank you both for responding. It’s good to have people to “talk” to with this lived experience.. I still struggle to find a resolve to this inner conflict, wishing I could find a deep feeling of having chosen the right path. It does help to remember that I was also so conflicted while pregnant, and so worried about being later in pregnancy and still having that feeling of crisis and doubt. That possibility seemed to me like it’s own brand of hell. Now with this pandemic it does seem there would have been all these new reasons for doubt. I’ve read many articles about or by women who are about to give birth expressing how challenging it is at this time. The worry and isolation is certainly not in the fantasy version. I think we do need to hold on to the reality of the choice we made and not get caught in the fantasy ‘what if’s’. I try to find the conviction you’ve expressed Scarlet about an intuition that this was just not right somehow. There are spiritualist perspectives that say that the choice is one we make with the spirit of this unborn, that we together understand it is not the right time, and that spirit knew it was never coming all the way through. Sure that is pretty out there, but I guess it’s about trusting yourself and your journey. We faced a very very hard choice. We did not make it lightly. May we have love and compassion for ourselves.
Stella, I wish I could contact you. I feel like we have a lot in common. I wish there was a way to go into an exhale chat room and find each other. I love how you said the spirit knows it’s not the right time to come through. That’s actually beautiful. God knows our heart.
That would be great, I’ve created an alias email address if you’d like to connect, I can be reached stellamanu1111 at gmail dot com
Thanks Scarlett and Stella. I had my abortion in January (I’d be 43, hubby 46) and am too racked every single day with what could have been. I keep telling myself I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. I cannot judge my decision with how I am feeling now or what I know now. Bottom line, I need to have my back with my decision. Wishing you both peace.
Thanks for posting. I had an abortion in December, I was quite far along as it was an incredibly difficult choice, unplanned and we are older, I am 45 my boyfriend is 52 and it’s a new relationship. We tried to commit to the pregnancy but in the end I just could not, bouts of crying and even a sense of dread. I would be almost eight months pregnant now. Though I am remain centred in why we made the choice to let this go, I still struggle every day with what might have been. My partner and my sister both think it was an intuition that this moment in time was not right for any of us, for many reasons including the stress and risks of a global pandemic! It helps to hear from someone also living these feelings. Be well.
First, I like your name. Lol. Second, did you know that women who have stillbirths are 22times more likely to let their Dr know that they feel like something is wrong? Sometimes we just know something is wrong. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong egg. My body was shaking. My heart was fighting for the little egg but my body and brain were deeply connected. Saying “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” I was praying for a miscarriage. That’s when we knew we had to do it. I felt trapped like a wild animal in a cage. How could I have these feelings? I’m such a loving and wonderful mother to my other two children. I’ve actually had a miscarriage before and it was heartbreaking!!!!! How could I put myself through this again?!??? It’s actually worse than the miscarriage because I made the choice. I don’t know. I think about it everyday. But can you imagine being pregnant right
Now?? The check-ups? The risk? The newborn? What if I had a newborn and became attached and it passed away do to corona? Could I live through that? What if I died and left my two LIVING children without a mother?!??? I can’t explain why I did it. I was pulled to do it by the universe, by my intuition. Something strong and powerful. I hope it was God looking out for me. Telling me, this will be a lesson in our lives. I don’t know. It’s a mind FUCK.
I feel the exact same way and can relate to your story. During my pregnancy I was convinced that something was wrong and I couldn’t stand the thought of bringing an unhealthy child into the world and what that would do to my family. Of course now, after my abortion, the what ifs come. But what if everything was going to be ok? I just can’t understand myself and I feel crazy. I deeply regret my choice and feel like a horrible person. But at the time when I made the decision, I was convinced that it was the right thing to do, the best thing for my existing family. How can I move forward with my life? If anyone has any stories or suggestions, I would live to hear them. I feel defeated. I hate myself and I feel like I will forever be damaged.