Submitted by: LJ
I know that nobody ever thinks it is going to happen to them. I’m 31 and certainly never thought it would be me. Yet here I am.
Every part of my pregnancy has been linked to an important date. I’m fairly sure I conceived on my birthday, April 3rd, which means that my due date would be December 25th. Christmas. So both dates are firmly etched in my mind, and no matter how hard I try to forget, I know the exact days.
After I found out I was pregnant, I told my partner whom I had recently separated from, who told me under no uncertain terms he did not want anything to do with it. I’m currently living in a country where you need to be married before having sex, let alone have a baby. I confided in my parents who agreed it was not the right time for me to have a baby. They gave me the money for a plane ticket and to pay for a private procedure in the UK. I had the procedure on a Friday morning, back on a plane Saturday ready for work on Sunday.
I had complications with the original surgical procedure; I bled for almost 10 weeks heavily afterwards. I flew back to the UK and got checked again at the clinic, and after scanning internally, they said that some tissue remained in the womb. So I had to go through the procedure again so they could remove it.
The relief I felt to finally stop bleeding after so long has recently turned into an unbelievable wave of sadness. The past few weeks have been really difficult and I can’t stop thinking about it all.
My sister has announced that she is pregnant again and I have a whole range of emotions that I never thought I would feel about it – I’ve gone from ecstatic, to jealous, to bitter.. but overall I’m just feeling sad. That’s terrible, isn’t it?
Knowing I would be one month away from my due date today is honestly difficult to accept and the closer I am coming to it, the harder it is becoming. I’ve confided in a couple of friends, but to be honest, I know they don’t want to hear it. I don’t blame them, it’s a difficult topic to discuss. I’ve put on a lot of weight, I’m afraid of meeting anyone new, and I just feel completely miserable.
I know I did it for a reason. It’s just difficult sometimes.
EC says
I to feel sadness around my calculated due date. It’s terrible to feel this way. No one knows about my abortion I have told no one even my husband. I am so alone and sad. Each day I’m hoping the sadness will go away but it hasn’t.
LJ says
Hi EC,
I’m so sorry to hear about how you’re feeling too. Over the past couple of months I have grieved a lot about it.. more than when I first had the abortion. I haven’t told a lot of people but the ones I have told have been very supportive. Have you considered telephone counselling? The place I had my abortion with offered that for 5 sessions after my abortion, however I recently reached out to them again as I found it easier to talk about my feelings with someone who ‘knew’ about these situations. The main thing I learnt was that it is absolutely ok. It might not work for everyone but it has definitely helped me.
I am sending so much love and support to you, please know that you are not alone xx
Rae says
Dear LJ, I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve gone through over the past months. I’m sending you love and support. Like you, shortly after having my abortion my sister in law announced she was pregnant and then another close friend did too. They’ve both had their babies close to my due date, and the pain and hurt was severe. Watching everyone celebrate their pregnancies and new babies stung, when I felt like no one particularly cared about the pregnancy I lost. Thank you for sharing your feelings about this, it is a comfort to have my own struggles validated when I have felt so guilty for being at times unhappy and jealous of these people in my life who kept their babies. I’m thinking of you, hang in there xxx
LJ says
Hi Rae,
Thank you so much for your reply. I’m almost kind of… relieved.. if that’s the right word, to hear that someone else shares the shame feelings as me. I would never have thought I would ever feel jealous about someone else however i guess none of us really thought this situation would happen. I really appreciate your reply, and I hope you know how strong you are. Take care xxx