Submitted by: N

I just had a surgical abortion last week. It was painful, and a few days after I was admitted to hospital due to serious complications, they hadn’t completed the abortion properly and I had to have another one as an emergency procedure. Due to coronavirus, all of this had to be handled alone and surrounded by strangers of course.

I’m now a few days out of hospital and I am feeling awful. I don’t think my mental health has ever been this bad in my life. Yesterday I was told by the father that he didn’t want to be involved with me romantically but is just here to see this through, when he had let me assume otherwise. That made me feel even worse, and now I feel like I will never recover from this. It’s a heartbreak in so many forms and all I’m thinking of was this my only chance to have a child? These complications from the procedure might have made me infertile, who knows. I might have just willingly got rid of my only chance of having a child.

I know I would not be fit to raise a child right now, by myself. I just got fired too due to coronavirus, living in a shared flat with multiple people. And knowing how my parents’ mental health issues hurt me growing up, I would never want my child to go through the same because of me. I would have nothing to offer my child right now, not even a safe and nurturing home environment.

Still, did I make the wrong choice? Would I be happy if I had the child because I for sure am not happy now. I don’t know how will I ever recover from this. All I know is that I am hurting so bad and my heart is shattered into million pieces. I hope sharing this will help even one person feel a bit less alone with their feelings, I am really going through it too.