Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.
Submitted by: Lo
I’m 28 and I had an abortion 3 months ago. I wish I could go back in time and change my mind. I’m in a loving relationship with a wonderful partner. The pregnancy was a surprised and I was scared.
Our wedding is in a year and I didn’t plan on having a baby before being married. But I can confidently say choosing to abort was the biggest mistake of my life and I can never go back.
I’ve never been more depressed in my life knowing I will never hold my baby in my arms
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“Regret is this false narrative of what a perfect life is.” –Cheryl Strayed
I heard this on a run this morning and had to come home and write it in my journal. She also said “Forgiveness is about accepting that you’re not going to go back and change the past.”
Lo, Cara, and K. Wishing you all some measure of peace and comfort in these coming days.
K. I relate to your situation as I also have 3 kids. Curious if you’ve pursued any more Buddhist reading to help you with your grieving? I’ve been reading and listening to Gabrielle Bernstein and am finding her words and philosophies so helpful.
Kathleen,
Looks like we have few chats going! Is there a post of yours somewhere on this site? I have not looked into any Buddhist readings. My husband got this book about grief and I’ve just started reading that. I’m so all over the place with everything right now. I’m trying to do all the things I thought I couldn’t do with another child and it helps to keep busy but I’m afraid I might be trying to do too much. And in a way it’s making me confused. I keep thinking that maybe if I can be better and get to this good place when it comes to parenting and self care and all these other aspects of life then we could try for another one. And then I realize that this would mean that majority of the reasons for terminating this pregnancy would be contradicted and that hurts. I explain it by saying that maybe the world we live in would not be as crazy as it was when this happened and if it was done on purpose it would not feel so scary and a million other thoughts. I’m just so confused. I will look up Gabrielle Bernstein. Maybe I will find some answers through her. Thanks for the tip!
I hope you’re well ?
K.
Lo,
I am right there with you! I made the same mistake you did and I’m trying to figure out how to go on with my life. Someone I spoke with said that in Buddhism it is believed that the spirit of the unborn baby does not cease to exist. Instead it waits to be born at the right time. I wish I could have another baby and bring that spirit to life but in my case I already have three kids and we were not planning on having any more because life felt overwhelming as is. But it’s not too late for you. You can still hold your baby in your arms, when the time is right…
Much love to you,
K.
This is exactly how I feel. It was such a shock and like we didn’t even have time to try to come around. But ever since, I’ve felt more and more that we could have been so happy and it would have all been okay. This doesn’t feel okay! I wanted our baby. We live far away, but always knew we would get married and have kids.
I haven’t felt like myself since that day. I wonder if I ever will again.
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