This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. From the moment I had the thought that maybe I was pregnant but dismissed it because there was just “no way I’m pregnant” to the moment I took that pregnancy test and saw those two lines indicating a positive result- pure disbelief. There was just no way this was happening. I cried for a week thinking about what I was going to do. The only thing that stopped me from crying was thinking about keeping you my little bug. But how was I going to do that when I knew deep down that i wasn’t ready for you? I’ve always envisioned being married or at the very least engaged and being thrilled at finding out I was expecting and figuring out a cute way to break the news to my partner. This isn’t how I envisioned this happening.. Not when I was still finishing my graduate program, not when we were still trying to figure out this relationship. You were supposed to come at a time when things were settled. When I could give you what you deserved from the start. I was completely torn and devastated that I could not welcome you with open arms. That I could not be happy about finding out about you. In another life time, you would have came at the right time. In another life time I would have been elated about discovering you. In another life time I would have seen your pretty little face and I would have given you all my love and all that is me. I know I would have loved you with all my heart. I hope you know that you were/are wanted but in a time when we can give you what you deserve. Not at a time when we’re still a mess and I’m still trying to establish myself so that I can give you the very best I have to offer. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you my little bug. I will always cherish you and I hope and pray you know how difficult this decision was for me. I miss you but you deserved better than what I could give you at this time.
To anyone who is struggling with this impossible decision. Just know that even though “you can make it work and figure it out” doesn’t mean you have to. Every child deserves to be given the very best opportunity and chance at life. You can be 100% careful and still have an accident happen. This doesn’t mean you have to force yourself into something you are not ready for nor force a child into a world they didn’t ask for. As difficult as this decision is, just know you are making the right decision for yourself no matter what you decide. Whether that’s to keep, terminate, or adoption. You know yourself best.