To live in this society means that going through an abortion is a quiet and oftentimes isolating experience. In the aftermath of Roe V Wade being overturned it became not only scary to seek reproductive freedom but also taboo. I found that in the days leading up to my abortion I was in a daze of action which retrospectively I came to know as a fight or flight response.
“I have to do something now.”
I have known for a long while that being pregnant was not something I would choose for myself. Since a young age I was acutely aware of the depth at which I felt emotion. When I was sad it felt like nothing would get better. When I was angry it felt like I would never forgive. I would, and do, experience grief well before the expiry date on love comes. As I grew, matured and learned more about the history of humanity I realized that passing that depth down would be unethical and wrong. I would never allow someone else to feel how I felt. Especially as the visibility on the violence of capitalism, patriarchy and western imperialism grows. What if I bring a girl into this world? She would suffer under the guise of being a “good girl”. And a boy? He would have to suppress all that he feels to fit in. What if they decided they wanted to be whoever they chose to be? They would be a target. I would never allow someone else to be subjected to that.
I knew that my body and mind would feel like there was an invader and that the precious resources that keep me alive were being depleted. Sucking the life out of me. I didn’t want to sacrifice my body for such an unknown outcome. I knew before I took a test that something wasn’t right within me and when the test confirmed what I thought to be true, the prevalence of the invader became suffocating. I was claustrophobic in my own body. Some people just don’t want to have children and isn’t that enough of a valid reason to make the choice to terminate?
The stigma surrounding abortion says otherwise.
In the days during and following my abortion I found myself in physical pain, discomfort and confusion. I felt sad and then angry at the stigma and then sad again and then I felt relief. Followed by grief, which I could never quite put a finger on what exactly it was that I was grieving. I’m still not sure. I found myself searching for resources that were hard to find. Searching for research on what was happening to my mind, none existed. I felt anger again. I was mad that there was so little research on the woman’s body before I had an abortion and I was even more angry that society had deemed abortion so wrong, so sacreligious and punishable by law. I felt sad for the people that had less access to resources as I did and I wanted to hug them. I still feel that way.
I discovered that it’s not uncommon for women who have preexisting mental health problems to experience post-partum depression post abortion as well as PASS (Post Abortion Stress Syndrome). I discovered that following an abortion HCG can stay in the body for a long period of time. I am a person that is very in touch with my menstrual cycle (cycle syncing helps me feel very empowered) and now I feel like I am so in the dark about my own body. I’m taking steps to seek out a therapist and lean on medication to assist me in my journey back to me. There have been a lot of hurdles to find affordable and reliable care and some days I feel defeated. Even so, I am grateful for the privileges I do have that allow me to seek that care.
I wanted to share my story and my thoughts because on the hunt for resources to become myself again I found that hearing the stories from other women and people that experienced an abortion made me feel less alone. I hope this made you feel less alone.