He Didn’t Even Ask Me If I Was Ok

I was 38, married to my long term partner, financially stable, a settled and mature adult and as I watched those lines appear I felt myself shut down. I knew my husband would not want this, and I also knew that after my childhood I could not live with myself if I forced him into being a parent. I went to work, debated if I even wanted to say anything… but I knew I had to tell him. When I finally couldn’t avoid it anymore he wouldn’t look at me. No joy, no excitement, his mind immediately went to what it would mean for the business. He immediately started talking about the issues this would cause, and the logistics and hassle for the business… He didn’t even ask me if I was ok in that moment, just kept talking about work. For the few days it took to arrange for the appointment and get the pills he painstakingly avoided the subject, at one point I had a dizzy spell and it was like he disassociated. I had thought I wanted this for so long and realized I had been secretly hoping it would just never happen so I never had to deal with the truth. I’d been avoiding the quiet part that he never said out loud, that he would be fine without or without children, but that he didn’t want them if he was WITH ME. I wanted so badly to have that child, I should be 8 months pregnant now and instead I just feel profoundly empty and angry with myself and with him. I don’t regret my choice, but I feel so sad about all of the doors that I am watching close as age makes decisions for me.