Late Moon

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Stella

Hi all, thanks for this space and your courageous stories. I’m still struggling to process after my abortion about three weeks ago. I’m 44 and it was my first pregnancy. It was an extraordinarily difficult decision. I had very much wanted children earlier in my life and actually tried to be a single mother by choice with a friend’s sperm several years ago, but it never took. After moving on and accepting and feeling peace with the fact I would not be a mother, I finally met a great man, we have had just over a year together and have been building a very free and independent life, with a focus on travel and contract work abroad.

To my surprise I fell pregnant at 44, which I just did not think was possible for me after previous failures and having never been pregnant when younger. People were calling it a miracle baby. My partner and I tried so hard to embrace this, actually several months with prenatal care and ultrasounds. But finally when it came down to having to commit to this choice I found I could not. My partner is 51 and was deeply conflicted and concerned about taking this on at this life stage. I know more and more people are now having children in their 40s and 50s, but actively parenting young people into your 70s is not for everyone.

I feel this was the right choice for us as a couple, committing to what felt best for this deeply promising romantic partnership, something I have been searching for for years and years, was a big part of my motivation for the decision. However I am also sad and having thoughts about what could have been. I feel I am not just letting go of my only potential child, but also my past self and identity as someone who wanted and tried hard to achieve this, and now has let it go.

It all feels a bit like a surreal cosmic joke. So much to process, and such a strange brief touch with motherhood, so far from the fantasies I had in the past and even with this pregnancy when trying to embrace it.

I am trying in particular to let go of feeling like I stopped something that should have been. On the other side we were very worried about developmental challenges and our ability to honour the full needs of a child as we age.

I have come away from this experience with a greater appreciation for the unknowns and mysteries of life. I do hope I made the right choice, though am not even sure what that means exactly.

Thanks for listening.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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4 responses to “Late Moon”

  1. Stella

    Thank you both for reaching out with your responses, the felling of connection helps with the healing. Our lives are journeys of great mystery. My warm wishes for happiness to you on your roads.

  2. katie

    I too am in a similar position (pregnant at 42) and just couldn’t go through with it either. Thank you for sharing; you’re not alone

    1. Belle

      Thank you Stella for sharing your story. I found a comment you had made on another post (Kathleen’s) and it meant the world to me to know I am not alone. We share a very similar story. Sending warm wishes to you.

  3. Madeline

    Thank you for sharing this. It has given me a great deal of comfort as I am faced with a similar situation. I have just found this site and am so grateful to read and see others have had similar emotional conflicts over it. All the best to you on your journey. And thank you again.

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