Losing Our Bean

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Maria

Mine was back in July 4th, 2019 and I’m struggling on a daily basis. I had to return to work 2 days later as if nothing happened, but it wasn’t nothing…

I lost an enormous part of my life, I felt — and still feel — so empty like something is missing. The guilt, the depression, the anxiety that comes with it feels like it has no end. I had to give up my baby due to medical issues mainly. My body could not handle the pregnancy and I was only at 8 weeks, but financially as well, we could not support and give our baby the life they deserved even if the medical issues were not present. It was a multitude of things that contributed to my decision.

I apologize to my baby, my bean every day for what I did. I cried for months every day and even now I still break down occasionally, especially when I see a pregnant woman or a small baby because I think to myself “that could be me, that could have been my child.”

My due date was the first week of February (anywhere from the 2nd-4th) and I took the week off of work knowing it was going to be very difficult getting through those days. I had a dream that I had given birth to a beautiful baby girl, I woke up and I searched and she wasn’t there and began to cry nonstop. After that I thought to myself, well how much worse can it get from here. I was wrong, I began to decline at work, making mistakes, unable to concentrate.

There are a few things that have made this situation somewhat bearable. My boyfriend (he was also devastated but has handled this and healed much better than I although I know he’s still hurting as well) has been with me the entire time. He has been my support during this time and I couldn’t be more appreciative of him. My mom has been with me in a way as well, she struggles with conversations regarding the topic but she still asks me how I’m feeling, daily calls or texts. Therapy is something that has played a big part in my life now too, talking through my feelings and acknowledging that I have to take back control of my life little by little, that I can’t just isolate myself and stay home, that I have to push myself to heal, to cope.
I try to take at least a 15 minute walk every other day, my boyfriend will usually go with me so he keeps me distracted with conversation and he motivates me to go a little further.

I have been trying to write one positive thing daily in my planner, creating a more positive outlook on life, trying to focus on the good and not the bad. I learned from therapy that we don’t tend to give ourselves enough credit for what we do, even something as small as getting up and cooking myself a meal, showering, changing out of my pajamas; those are all self care activities that we should be telling ourselves “good job, you did it, one step at a time” and acknowledge the good that we have done for ourselves.

My boyfriend and I have already discussed starting a family because we do want to have a baby (he has a toddler already, beautiful little boy) but we need to plan it out with my doctors, go to genetic counseling, and we are now aware that my future pregnancy would require me to be on bed rest most of the pregnancy.

I know the emptiness, the sadness, the depression I feel will not disappear. It’s a matter of learning to reduce the emotional pain and learning to live with the loss of our baby. I know it will take time and if anyone has a way they have been able to heal or process their loss I would greatly appreciate if you would share your stories with me.

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after-abortion support.

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