Submitted by: Kay
I’m struggling. We make good money, my kids are 3 and 1. I have always wanted a 3rd child especially with a miscarriage I had in between my 1st two. I was so excited to be pregnant. My husband wasn’t thrilled but just going along. He was sick when we conceived. I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks 6 days.
That night, my stomach dropped. I just thought I had ruined my life. I thought the attention I give my kids would now be gone. I thought there was going to be something wrong with the pregnancy or with the baby or with me. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread, like something really bad was going to happen. I took a week trying to convince myself to keep the baby. I cried, I prayed, I screamed.
My husband was super supportive about the abortion. He said, “you’ve had 3 other pregnancies and you’ve never had these feelings”. I’ve always been intuitive. I’ve always known things would happen before they happened and I just felt like something was wrong. I had to do it fast because I wanted to make sure the embryo didn’t have a heartbeat. We did it at 4 weeks 6 days. No heartbeat. Immediately after, I regretted it.
I felt betrayed by the pro-choice community. I felt like I ruined my life. It’s been 4 months. I still think about it A LOT. I don’t know if we should try for a third but I want one so Deeply. What is the universe trying to tell me? I’m so confused. I’m so sick of “you’re brave. You made the right decision at the right time” it gets old. I just want someone to say “YOU MADE THE FUCKING RIGHT DECISION” “YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG” “I’VE HAD AN ABORTION MYSELF AND YOU WILL MOVE PAST THIS”.
Katie says
I understand where you’re coming from. Like Lesley said, my mantra is “I made the best decision at the time with the information I had.” I too am wracked with guilt about my abortion, wish someone had adamantly talked me out of it. Seeing a counselor on a regular basis has been a god-send. You are not alone.
Lesley M says
Dear Kay,
Im hear to say, you made the best decision you could at the time, you DID NOT do anything wrong and ive had TWO abortions and you WILL move past this. We as humans are complex beings. We will make many decisions in our lives and unfortunately, we do not have the gift of foresight. So please, seek help and speak to someone as you need to be here, in the now, for the kids you currently have. Yes, it sucks. But just as we are flawed, we are also strong and amazing creatures. We are in this together.
Kay says
Thank you so much Lesley. It’s so reassuring to hear that I will move past this. I need to hear this. Sometimes I feel like this is my punishment for having one. Lifelong guilt and regret.
Shani says
Thank you so much all brave ladies out here! I have been reading a lot of the stories, each unique on its own accord. I finally feel I am not alone (had an abortion in 2017, contemplating another one now)..
I have a almost 4 yr old who needs my undivided attention. Thank you again for this safe space and the courageous stories.
Keely says
Kay, we are each other. I think I am going to see a therapist next week. I am still struggling. I wish that someone had restricted my choice, counseled me, helped me see the choice isn’t something without weight or life long consequences. Now I must learn to live with them, but I am not sure I can…but must for my little kids.
Kay says
Keely, I wish I could talk to you in a private message!!!! How are you doing?!? I’m seeing a therapist in two days. Some days I feel better and other days it hits me hard. Especially when I see stuff on tv.