Mixed feelings about my abortion

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Submitted by: Anonymous

I’m 22 years old and most my life I have been pretty careful. I took birth control pills since the age of 17. I ran out and needed a new prescription, but I was waiting to start my new job to pay for it. When November arrives around and I notice I’m a week late on my period. I took 3 at home pregnancy tests and they were all positive. To verify with an actual physician, I went to Next Care urgent care, and confirmed I was pregnant for the first time of my life.

It happened on a Thursday. The father and I had been dating for 6 months, but two days prior, I told him I didn’t want to see or hear from him anymore. We had a tumultuous relationship. On Friday morning at I sent him a text saying I really need to speak to him after work and that it was important.

That evening, surprisingly, he reacted very supportive and sensitive to the situation. I think we were both in a fight or flight mode, so without any hesitation we both agreed it was best to get an abortion. We were both incapable of taking care of our own selves financially, and adding a baby was out of the question. In a weird way, we kind of bonded over the situation. Although we had both practically made our decision, I still gave myself time to process.

During the time I was pregnant I was a depressed mess. I was skipping class. I was calling out of work. I just wasn’t moving from my bed.

My abortion appointment finally came, and honestly I was happy to get it over with. The father and I had been very rocky at this point. I wanted him to be more sensitive to my pregnant feelings and he wanted me to act normal.

I realize they’re a lot of good men out there, but the fact that some of them can just wash their hands clean and then get up and leave is exasperating. After my abortion (I took the pill), a few days had passed and I had tried to humble myself and apologize for the way I acted towards the father. After all it’s a very complicated situation and no one can truly handle it perfectly. He never responded. It was very clear he didn’t want to hear from me ever again.

So I’m dealing with a breakup at this point, and I still feel like crap. Two weeks later I have a follow-up appointment, and it turns out the pill didn’t work! My body rejected the medication!

This is where I start to spiral. I was very convinced that this is a sign, and I should have never done this. But it’s too late because now it’s a matter of making sure I don’t get an infection and the baby is probably dead or has tremendous birth defects. Two days later, I get my in-clinic surgical procedure.

Now, I’m dealing with the aftermath of all of it. Being strong and independent about this situation for a month and half now, and it has officially all hit me emotionally.

Ultimately, I picked my career over what would have been my first-born child. I just graduated with my bachelor’s of science in accounting during the end of my pregnancy, most women would be grateful to be in my position. I start a new internship, and then I’ll start on my master’s degree, so I can ultimately land the job of my dreams.

Right now I just feel selfish. Whether or not I wanted this experience to change me. It has, forever. Minor things that used to bother me seem like a joke now. The saying, “it puts life into perspective,” could not be more real.

My heart is also broken. Someone I thought was supportive and caring, just left me after knowing what I was going through.

I’m very grateful for my two best friends and my mom for being supportive through all of this. However, they can only help so much and I just feel so alone all the time.

I just keep thinking that I actually took life away. I don’t fully regret my decision, but I also don’t fully accept it. I don’t know how to move forward now because it’ll always affect me forever in my life. It’s not easy to forget. I would say it was the most traumatic experience for me. I will always know that I picked my career over a baby. I’m afraid one day I’m going to make it all the way to the top, and then ask myself was it even worth it? Or I’m going to become a workaholic robot. Is it a question of what’s important to me and how I define happiness? I don’t know.

I don’t know how to move forward. I only hope I can eventually heal.

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6 responses to “Mixed feelings about my abortion”

  1. It is extremely sad. I too went through an abortion situation. The abortion changed me, it broke me, I became silent and angry with myself. I tried killing myself. I’m in a very deep stage of depression and anxiety. Coping with this is very hard but not impossible. I have to keep telling myself that. This is not grief it will not pass. But as time goes by it’ll get easier and easier. For me right now it’s the hardest and I don’t know what to do to stop feeling like a horrible person

  2. Emily

    I feel at a loss. I always told myself if I were to get pregnant I’d have an abortion and when the time came it was like I was miserable. I wasn’t fully comfortable with the decision but I went a long with it because that’s what my boyfriend wanted and I felt that it was the only option that was good for me financially and just mentally. now that it is all done my boyfriend says he didn’t like me coming to him with my pregnancy problems and wants to break up. I feel almost like I made the decision for him and I have a lot of regret but also relief? I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. I’m devistaed and didn’t want the relationship to end. He had just proposed to me a couple months before. I feel like my whole world is crashing down and I’m blaming myself. I’m afraid when the due date comes around I’ll think how different how things might have been if I was holding my baby right now. I don’t fully regret my decision but I’m not happy about it either. I feel like I can’t relate to any of my friends anymore I feel lost.

  3. michaela

    Reading this it was kinda scary. I felt as if I was reading a story of what happened to me. I got pregnant during my sophomore year of college with my now ex-boyfriend of 4 years. We had always said if I got pregnant, I would get an abortion but when the actual decision came; I became a wreck. I didn’t know what to do, but I decided to go through with it because my ex believed it was the right decision. I treated him like shit for weeks because I had to wait to go back home to take the pill. I went to the appointment on Valentine’s Day (what a great choice!) and took the pill. My ex dropped me off and didn’t see me again for days. It was painful to experience an abortion, but come to find out 8 weeks later… it didn’t work. I had to fly home immediately to have this procedure done. My ex didn’t know if I wanted him there because we had been arguing since I had gone back to school. He came and I had to arrive at 6 am and didn’t go into pre-op till 10:30 am. That day will forever haunt me as the procedure was scary and painful since I was only 19 and never gone to an OBGYN before. They had to put be under twice for the surgery. I woke up scared and in pain. I didn’t get to go home till 6 pm that day. I cried in the car and really hated my boyfriend in that moment. Sadly, a few months later we broke up. It was sad since I really believed that we had the abortion to save our relationship. We no longer speak and he’s in a loving relationship while I’m still reeling from this experience. You’re right when you said guys can wash their hands and be done with it. We have to live with the PTSD, depression, the “what ifs”. It’s not fair. I’m also afraid I chose school and my career over my baby. It’s hard not to know.

    1. Tyeesha

      Hi there,

      My name is Tyeesha, and I prefer to be called my nickname: Tye!

      Anyways! I would to send my condolences to the both of you ladies since your comments is punished and posted on this “AbortionTalkLinePage”.

      I hope both of you, Stay strong and positive because I can relate to your guy’s situations but, not in the same similar situations.

      I would like to explain my experience with my first abortion and how it affected me emotionally and mentally in the past and now, Also I’m in a crisis right now because “I’m pregnant” once again and this time, I’m feeling scared and nervous at this point.

      But, Here I go with my story and the experience of tragically of the traumatic event took place on “ May.13,2014” at an abortion clinic that in my city, however I thought that the abortion was going to be happy joy but, it turned out to be terrible because I feel like “A murder” that killed a child didn’t even have a chance to be born and live, and I feel very awful and disgusting with myself.

      Background story:
      I already had a baby before I had an abortion with my second baby ( Unborn).
      My first baby was premature and needed a lot of help,support, and medical attention.

      I just wasn’t ready to have or bring another child into the world yet but, clearly I was ready if I decided to have unprotected sex and close my legs since i made that choice, Unfortunately!

      After my experience from having an abortion, it made me realize a lit because on (“ January.19,2014”) my child of premature problems passed away and I feel like got punished me for murdering one of his child that he gifted me again and I took that for granted and throw it away because I was being inconsiderate and selfish for my actions that lead me to get pregnant with a blessing that didn’t deserve to be murdered.

      As of right now,
      I’m experiencing the same situation because I have two daughters and one of them is 4 and the other one is almost 1, and I’m afraid if I choose abortion then god going re-do his punishment again but, 10 times worth the first time because I’m not ready to loose another child again that was actually born since that was the hardest time to experience and go through.

      I’m debating If I should do abortion or adoption but, Idk which one and I feel trapped in a right and wrong decision making circle with my head and I absolutely feel suicidal because I don’t want to deal with any of those decisions.

      Don’t judge but, I need someone to talk to and vent to because I’m a mess and I feel horrible and disgusting with myself right now because I seem to listen or learn and not stop with the mistakes and I choice to do bad things.

      Y’all have a goodnight!

    2. Val

      Omg this is Avery sad sorry how many weeks where you?

      1. It’s so sad but quite different from my story..I have been dating a guy for 3years …I always thought we were both in the same boat of love …we have not been living together but always visited him and slept over for days and weeks
        He could always tell me to come serious to our relationship and move in with him permanently but certainly whenever I had come to a decision with my heart and call him and let him know about my decision the reacts differently about it …I kept on changing my mind many times I could decide and let it go …sometimes I discovered a lot of secrets that he didn’t and wasn’t hoping to tell me about them ..he was never apologizing for his mistakes ….when we always had a fight he couldn’t even call me till I myself came around to him ….he could always accuse me of cheating ..I kept on explaining myself …then in this year I realized I was in the right age for marriage I decided to live with him and went to his place in April with a few of my clothes to talk it over…I spent a week and he told me he was yet to start the fasting period and we ain’t allowed to stay together during that period since we weren’t legally married….I agreed to go back home and wait….he wasn’t calling and I played cool to it ..2 weeks after the fasting month I realized I was late for my period and I took a test that came out positive…I called him he wasn’t replying then after he called and told him I needed to come over and talk to him .he said he shifted places and immediately drove to my place so anxious…he said i can’t go to his place I should tell him whatever I wanted to say there and then….i told him I was pregnant and he replied “that’s good “”then I asked what now ….he said “wait I will call u”…I thought a lot…didn’t get sleep and decided to go over to his old location since I thought he was pranking about shifting…..when I reached the door was open I knocked and there came a women asked her if he was around and told me he went for work and that it’s ok to wait for him …I waited and he came asked me what I was doing thr …he said he has nothing to do about it since the woman I found there had his child of 2years ….I was shocked ….we went outside and he told me the woman can’t go any where and that he had to prove that we had to go for a check up….and he said he was done with me ….then I asked him why he didn’t let me know about the breakup…he was like I wasn’t supposed to tell me …I told him I will abort the baby since he showed no interest in it …and he said it was upto me ….we parted and he has never called me since that day ….I went through the abortion alone and it was a success it’s been a week now …but am not ok ..i can’t get sleep…am always in deep thoughts …..i don’t know how to move on …don’t know if it will come to pass

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