Submitted by: Grace

I had my first abortion in 2018. I was 21 years old, dating a guy who was 19. We were both way too young. Despite knowing it was the right decision for me, it was a very traumatic experience because deep down, I knew I wanted a baby with him. Maybe not then, but someday I knew I did. The trauma of not only a physical loss, but the loss of what could have been ripped me apart.

Here I am, 3 years later. That boyfriend and I broke up ultimately because of the previous abortion (I needed time to process and recover emotionally — time he didn’t want to give me). I haven’t had a new boyfriend since him, but I have started a casual relationship with someone new. I just found out yesterday I am 8 weeks pregnant. He wants what I want, which is an abortion, and he is willing to do any and everything I need to make sure I’m okay. I am very grateful to him.

The amount of shame I feel is heavy. I have only told him and one other person. I can’t seem to even tell my sister — who is my best friend — out of fear of judgement. Was I irresponsible? I suppose. I’m not on birth control because I hate the way it made me feel, but we always took precautions to be safe. I feel embarrassed. I know lots of women have multiple abortions (or maybe I’m just telling myself that?) but I didn’t think I would have to go through it again.

I think I am most scared for the reopening of the trauma. I went to two years of therapy in order to get over the last experience (don’t get me wrong — I do not regret it, it just seemed I lost a life for myself I thought that I wanted). I think this one will be easier because I am not in love with the man and have no sort of attachment to the baby. Who knows.

If you’re reading this and have had more than one abortion, can you comment? I feel so alone right now and the shame is only building.

Thanks for reading.