I Will Never Forgive Myself

Submitted by: Anonymous

I just recently had my first abortion. It’s been a week since I did the medication procedure.

I am 17 years old in my senior year of high school. I have been on the patch birth control since I became a freshman, and it has always worked for me. However, there was a time when there was a delay with receiving my patches, and because in the past the effects of it never wore off so fast, I continued to be carefree with my boyfriend of 3 years.

In the past I’ve suffered from stomach issues (gastritis) so when I was feeling extremely sick and weak, that was what I originally thought it was. By this time I hadn’t done anything with my boyfriend in a month or a little over, but I randomly said to him that maybe I should take a test even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t that.

Fast forward, I take a generic brand test and I couldn’t tell whether it was positive or not. I took a second and the same thing happened. Days passed and my boyfriend got me a name brand test that I trusted more, and there it was… I was pregnant. I was shocked. I could feel no other emotion but shock and disbelief. My boyfriend and I felt the same way and wanted an abortion. He felt he wasn’t ready financially and just in a position to be a father in general.

I personally was scared of everything I’ve heard about birth. I’m a very squeamish person, and I’ve always been the type to love babies, but I also love giving them back to their parents when I don’t want to interact with them anymore, so the thought of having my own was unimaginable.

I regret my decision so so much. I was extremely sick, which got increasingly worse as the days passed and my boyfriend was such in a state of shock that he was distant and I felt like he wasn’t there enough for me in a time I needed him most. I’m extremely upset at myself because I didn’t even allow enough time to truly make a decision that I was ready for. From day one I just felt like I had no emotion, so why keep the baby? I wish I would’ve taken the time to go to a formal doctors appointment, but instead the only doctor I spoke to was at Planned Parenthood.

By the time I saw the ultrasound, I was already mentally in the process of about to be receiving an abortion, and I was just so ready to feel a relief from my symptoms. I now think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Even though it felt like having a baby wasn’t the right time, I also couldn’t help but want a baby with my boyfriend. Every single day I cry at my ultrasound and pull out my pregnancy tests hating myself, because how could I ever do such a thing. I get jealous seeing all these people on my social media pregnant, enjoying their baby showers/gender reveals, or revealing their babies.

Anyone I open up to I hate the things they say to try to make things better. I don’t want to hear that I can have kids in the future because it will never be THIS baby. This was my first pregnancy and my first baby, and I will never forgive myself for purposefully letting him/her go so easily. I can’t help but wonder what life would’ve been if I decided to keep the baby, especially with all the support I had. I had family from my side and my boyfriends so excited but I wasn’t strong enough.

I don’t know how I will ever move past this. I don’t want to be bothered with even going to college or prom or anything anymore. My life will never be the same. I miss my baby so so much I feel so incomplete and empty. Even now I still feel some way towards my boyfriend for making me feel abandoned during this time, but I still can’t help but love him as well and I hate myself for it because it just feels like I’m disrespecting my baby. I feel so alone no matter who I talk to and I’ve just never grieved something like this before

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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