I Will Never Forgive Myself

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Anonymous

I just recently had my first abortion. It’s been a week since I did the medication procedure.

I am 17 years old in my senior year of high school. I have been on the patch birth control since I became a freshman, and it has always worked for me. However, there was a time when there was a delay with receiving my patches, and because in the past the effects of it never wore off so fast, I continued to be carefree with my boyfriend of 3 years.

In the past I’ve suffered from stomach issues (gastritis) so when I was feeling extremely sick and weak, that was what I originally thought it was. By this time I hadn’t done anything with my boyfriend in a month or a little over, but I randomly said to him that maybe I should take a test even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t that.

Fast forward, I take a generic brand test and I couldn’t tell whether it was positive or not. I took a second and the same thing happened. Days passed and my boyfriend got me a name brand test that I trusted more, and there it was… I was pregnant. I was shocked. I could feel no other emotion but shock and disbelief. My boyfriend and I felt the same way and wanted an abortion. He felt he wasn’t ready financially and just in a position to be a father in general.

I personally was scared of everything I’ve heard about birth. I’m a very squeamish person, and I’ve always been the type to love babies, but I also love giving them back to their parents when I don’t want to interact with them anymore, so the thought of having my own was unimaginable.

I regret my decision so so much. I was extremely sick, which got increasingly worse as the days passed and my boyfriend was such in a state of shock that he was distant and I felt like he wasn’t there enough for me in a time I needed him most. I’m extremely upset at myself because I didn’t even allow enough time to truly make a decision that I was ready for. From day one I just felt like I had no emotion, so why keep the baby? I wish I would’ve taken the time to go to a formal doctors appointment, but instead the only doctor I spoke to was at Planned Parenthood.

By the time I saw the ultrasound, I was already mentally in the process of about to be receiving an abortion, and I was just so ready to feel a relief from my symptoms. I now think I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Even though it felt like having a baby wasn’t the right time, I also couldn’t help but want a baby with my boyfriend. Every single day I cry at my ultrasound and pull out my pregnancy tests hating myself, because how could I ever do such a thing. I get jealous seeing all these people on my social media pregnant, enjoying their baby showers/gender reveals, or revealing their babies.

Anyone I open up to I hate the things they say to try to make things better. I don’t want to hear that I can have kids in the future because it will never be THIS baby. This was my first pregnancy and my first baby, and I will never forgive myself for purposefully letting him/her go so easily. I can’t help but wonder what life would’ve been if I decided to keep the baby, especially with all the support I had. I had family from my side and my boyfriends so excited but I wasn’t strong enough.

I don’t know how I will ever move past this. I don’t want to be bothered with even going to college or prom or anything anymore. My life will never be the same. I miss my baby so so much I feel so incomplete and empty. Even now I still feel some way towards my boyfriend for making me feel abandoned during this time, but I still can’t help but love him as well and I hate myself for it because it just feels like I’m disrespecting my baby. I feel so alone no matter who I talk to and I’ve just never grieved something like this before

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

Text Exhale Pro-Voice:


Our confidential textline is available in the US and Canada and is staffed during the following hours:

Weekdays: 3 pm-9 pm (Pacific Time)
Saturdays: 1 pm-9 pm (Pacific Time)
Sundays: 3 pm-7 pm (Pacific Time)

Se habla español.
Due to high text volume, please expect a response within 24 hours.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *