Submitted by: Lauren
I recently had an abortion this last Saturday. I was 10 weeks.
I started dating someone and around 3 months in, I found out I was pregnant. I freaked out at first because we barely knew one another and now we were going to be raising a child, my first child. At first he seemed supportive, but a week or two in he confided to me that he wasn’t ready. I was really angry so I didn’t talk to him and he proceeded to break up with me via a Facebook post.
I went crazy with the thought of what to do, keep my baby that I knew I would not be able to care for financially, even with help from my family, or to abort because it just seemed like the responsible thing to do. I went to Planned Parenthood one day and I left crying because when they asked if I was ready I couldn’t bear the thought losing my child.
I prolonged for another week, and when I went back I was a lot calmer with my decision, especially after seeing that my child’s father really was not going to have a change of heart and help me and be there for our child. The process was so lonely, I sat in the operating room for almost 3 hours, looking at all the instruments that would be responsible for aborting my pregnancy, but I stayed.
The process was a lot more painful than I thought and I feel like it changed me. Going through that with no one to hold my hand, really has left me feeling isolated and alone. The day after I was still fine, but the next day and ever since, I have been dealing with unimaginable grief.
I feel no better than the father. I feel like I abandoned my child and gave up on it. Everyone around me has been so supportive and kind, and has been trying to convince me to forgive myself — that everything happens for a reason. But I don’t feel like I deserve love and kindness, or anything positive for that matter, at this moment.
I feel completely alone in the world, like a ghost. I hate myself and I deeply regret the decision I made and I feel so powerless because there is not a single thing I can do to bring my child back. I have been trying to forgive myself and convince myself I did the right thing, but I feel like a monster.
Something that should’ve been a beautiful first experience just ended horribly and has left a void in my heart. I really feel like I’ll die of this heartbreak.