My experience

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Lauren

I recently had an abortion this last Saturday. I was 10 weeks.

I started dating someone and around 3 months in, I found out I was pregnant. I freaked out at first because we barely knew one another and now we were going to be raising a child, my first child. At first he seemed supportive, but a week or two in he confided to me that he wasn’t ready. I was really angry so I didn’t talk to him and he proceeded to break up with me via a Facebook post.

I went crazy with the thought of what to do, keep my baby that I knew I would not be able to care for financially, even with help from my family, or to abort because it just seemed like the responsible thing to do. I went to Planned Parenthood one day and I left crying because when they asked if I was ready I couldn’t bear the thought losing my child.

I prolonged for another week, and when I went back I was a lot calmer with my decision, especially after seeing that my child’s father really was not going to have a change of heart and help me and be there for our child. The process was so lonely, I sat in the operating room for almost 3 hours, looking at all the instruments that would be responsible for aborting my pregnancy, but I stayed.

The process was a lot more painful than I thought and I feel like it changed me. Going through that with no one to hold my hand, really has left me feeling isolated and alone. The day after I was still fine, but the next day and ever since, I have been dealing with unimaginable grief.

I feel no better than the father. I feel like I abandoned my child and gave up on it. Everyone around me has been so supportive and kind, and has been trying to convince me to forgive myself — that everything happens for a reason. But I don’t feel like I deserve love and kindness, or anything positive for that matter, at this moment.

I feel completely alone in the world, like a ghost. I hate myself and I deeply regret the decision I made and I feel so powerless because there is not a single thing I can do to bring my child back. I have been trying to forgive myself and convince myself I did the right thing, but I feel like a monster.

Something that should’ve been a beautiful first experience just ended horribly and has left a void in my heart. I really feel like I’ll die of this heartbreak.

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2 responses to “My experience”

  1. Stella

    Lauren, dear sister, please be kind and gentle with yourself. Please continue to reach out to those who love you, and other supportive resources such as the Exhale chatline, if needed. You made a hard choice. You made the right choice. You knew in your heart this was the hard but right thing. I believe your spirit baby knows this too. There are many spiritualist perspectives that view this as a choice made with the spirit, and that this spirit baby may even come back to you if and when you both are ready. This can be an opportunity to affirm and move towards the life you want. Sending you wishes for love and peace.

    1. Katrina

      Lauren, I’m so sorry this is so hard for you. I had my abortion February 2020. I completely understand your grief. I aborted because of my finances too and I feel like I abandoned my baby too. You’re not alone! We will get through this. I know it’s hard to see the light right now but We’re strong. You’re strong.

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