Never Say “Never”

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Naomi

When I was in my twenties, I was always certain that I never wanted any children because I thought they were annoying and would get in the way of things. I loved being “childfree” and just being able to do whatever I wanted to do.

Right before I turned 32, I started dating a guy I had known for four years. Prior to us dating, we had great chemistry. I could always talk to him about anything. He was caring and non-judgemental. I really liked his personality, but something kept me from dating him at first. He had a child from a previous relationship that didn’t work out. I kept telling myself that I would never date someone with kids because I didn’t believe that I could get along with them, and I know that children always come first. So whenever he would have his kid around I would have to wait for him to have time for me. Sometimes I can be an impatient person, but since I really liked him, I was willing to give it a shot.

So in late August/early September 2021, I told him I would like to go out with him. He was very happy to hear that. I will never forget it. It was a beautiful Monday night. The chemistry between us was so strong that I really began to have feelings for him. He even told me that he was in love with me.

Fast forward to October, after my 32nd birthday things started to change for me. After being with this guy for only two months I became unhappy. I wasn’t happy with how he was living. I don’t want to come off as mean, but I didn’t like that he wasn’t taking good care of himself. He smoked all the time and he was overweight, which I was very aware of prior to going out with him. He worked two jobs trying to support himself and his kid, who he barely got to see. He would always say he was tired and hardly got any sleep. I tried to tell him maybe he needed to slack off a little, but he always said I didn’t understand or he had no choice, and that made me upset. Every time I was at his place he would get high, have sex with me, and go to sleep. I loved him, but not enough to deal with this. I wanted to bring up the issues I had, but he would always shut me down and said he was not going to argue with me because he thought I was trying to “pick fights”. That was not the case at all!

October 29 was the last time I had unprotected sex with him. I was expecting my period the following week, but it never came. During that week, I broke up with him because I was really unhappy in the relationship. Of course he wasn’t happy about it, but I didn’t care. I abruptly stopped talking to him all together. I wanted nothing to do with him. I never told him I missed my period.

November 4, I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. It said I was pregnant. I was so mad at myself and my ex. He would usually pull out right before he came, but I guess he didn’t do it the last time. He told me in the beginning if we both wanted a kid, we would have to live together, and we were not ready. Plus, I couldn’t afford to support a child financially, and my mental health is not what it should be.

The thought of being pregnant did come across my mind countless of times in the past. Sometimes I imagined myself having a baby. I kept looking at the pregnancy test and more emotions started to take over. I was scared and sad. Scared to tell my mother. Sad because I knew I could not raise this baby on my own since I wanted absolutely nothing to do with my ex. I wanted to tell him about the pregnancy test, but he wasn’t going to believe me. Abortion came across my mind. I swear I could not stop crying. In the past, I told myself I could never do that to my baby, but here I am, telling my story about my first abortion.

So many mixed emotions overwhelmed me. I didn’t give myself enough time to think things through. I only thought, “I can not raise this baby.” “If I keep the baby, that means I have to deal with my ex.” Only TWO clinics in my area performed abortions. I called one of them to set the appointment. Once I was done, I started smiling because I felt relieved that I was finally going to be able to get rid of something that was part of my ex. I feel so bad for saying this, but it’s true. God knows it’s not the baby’s fault at all. That baby was a part of me, and that’s what really hurt me the most. I could have and should have kept the baby only because of that. Babies deserve to have a chance in life, and I didn’t give that to my baby.

November 24 was when I had the abortion(via pills);the day before Thanksgiving. I was only five weeks along at the time, and the doctor said the fetus had not developed a heart yet, so that made me feel somewhat better. Hopefully, it didn’t feel any kind of pain. I felt fine on the 24th, but Thanksgiving night, I was crying uncontrollably I thought my heart was going to stop. What have I done?! I wanted my baby back, but it was gone. I really thought I could get on with my life once it was all over, but as you can tell, I am still mourning over what could have been my first bundle of joy. I had the courage to tell my mom the next morning. She said she wished I told her sooner and she hated that I had the abortion, but she supported me nonetheless.

I’m sorry for this very long story, and thanks to anyone who took the time to read this…Rest in peace, love….

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