It’s been one year since I had my abortion. I was so conflicted when I found out I was pregnant. My (now ex) boyfriend and I were going through really tough times. I had just quit a good paying job because I was unhappy and he was very angry with me about it.
Then I find out I’m pregnant and I was just totally distraught. I was so afraid my boyfriend was going to break up with me and I didn’t want my baby to have to grow up without a loving family. I never really got any sort of support from him in making the decision. He was so dismissive about the whole thing and never wanted to talk about it. This just made me more nervous and unsure about whether he would raise the baby with me or not. I was just too scared to do it alone though so eventually I decided to terminate.
Immediately following I regretted it. I grieved for weeks and eventually moved out of my boyfriends and in with my sister. She didn’t even know what I was going through but I was so upset with my boyfriend I just couldn’t be around him. I just wanted him to assure me and tell me he was excited or he wanted to have the baby. But I never got anything like that from him. Even on the day of the procedure he took me and brought me home and then left me home alone to work on his car. Maybe it was his way of grieving too, I don’t know, but he was the only person that knew and I just wanted to grieve with someone.
Eventually we did break up and at first I was relieved I had the abortion because that’s what I was afraid would happen. As the months went by I realized I would get super sad when I was ovulating. I was only 8 weeks when I had the abortion but I still could just feel the presence in my womb and now every time I ovulate I just feel that presence again.
I now am at my one year anniversary and I haven’t been able to sleep. I cry almost every day and I just can’t get over how angry I am with myself. I wanted that baby whether I could admit that or not. I guess that’s why I’m admitting it here because I need to let someone know. I honestly now don’t even care if I would have had to raise it alone. I’m so ashamed I let myself make the decision based on my boyfriends indecisiveness.
I think the hardest thing is just thinking about being a mom. I want to be a mom so bad now and I could have been. Now I’m single with no intention of dating because I have serious trust issues from my last relationship and I’m afraid I will never find someone that actually wants to have a baby with me. I still secretly hope my ex boyfriend will take me back and we can have a planned pregnancy but that’s just a silly dream that won’t happen. I tried to talk to him about it now and I either get no response or he just says he doesn’t want to talk about it. Since no one else knows I just needed to get my feelings out to a safe place of shared feelings. That little baby taught me more about myself in just a few weeks than I could have possibly imagined. I just want to say a few words to my baby wherever it’s spirit may be:
Hello my sweet little angel. Mommy is so sorry she gave you up. There isn’t a single day I don’t think about you growing inside of me. I would give anything to have that feeling back. I hope you know I loved you from the second I knew you were inside of me. I’m sorry for not having the courage to take care of you myself. I just really wanted you to have the same kind of loving family I did. I will never forget you and you will always have a special little place in my heart. I hope you can forgive me for what I’ve done and maybe one day you will come back to me as a new little baby growing inside of me when the time is right. I love you more than I could ever describe.
Thank you so much for this place to share stories because too often we have no one to talk to about these things. To be able to read other women’s stories going through the same things makes me feel a little better. I know I will eventually have another chance at being a mom but right now it hurts and that’s okay. I’m going to let myself grieve for as long as I need to regardless of if I get support from the father. I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to tell myself that things happen for a reason. But I will never forget.