Overwhelmed

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At 16, I found out I was pregnant. At 7 weeks and 3 days I had an abortion. I wasn’t 100% sure that I wanted to do yet. At the time my boyfriend had threatened to leave me to ruined my life if I had continued the pregnancy.

At 16, you’re scared and you don’t know what to do. No one knew in my family and I couldn’t tell anyone. They wouldn’t have been supportive in any way. So I did what was best for me, I figured it out alone. It made sense based on my age, my financial situation, and my partner that it wasn’t the best time to be a parent.

The appointment was made at Planned Parenthood and I decide to do the pill. I didn’t know what to expect or anything. I was given the pill and sent home. What came after, was traumatic for me. No one really sat down with me and explained nor walked me through the process. The cramps were unbearable. I bled uncontrollably. The emotions and the guilt I felt as I saw tissues come out of me was unimaginable. I just wanted the pain to stop but there was no going back now.

It took years for me to overcome the guilt and sadness. Although, I know it was the best decision for myself, I wish I had been more informed and walked through it.

My story doesn’t stop there. Fast forward 6 years, I with my current boyfriend now. It took one careless night and I was back in the same situation. I know people will judge and talk negatively about it.

I had an abortion 5 days ago.

What I went through was hell. I know we didn’t want to be parents, I get it but at the same time I’m grieving too. And I don’t think he understands that.
I’m not saying I wish I kept it but I’m saying that it wasn’t easy. It’s hard enough doing it once but twice? The first time literally broke me and I haven’t been the same since. And to do it again, it’s so hard. So fucking hard, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. I’m this horrible person and I’m so irresponsible. I’m in a really dark place mentally, the darkest I’ve been. I’m not blaming him and I don’t feel anger towards him either, but it’s hard. I feel like he doesn’t get it. He asked me to help pick out his friend’s baby shower gift. Like really?

Anyways, again at planned parenthood. I laid on a cold chair with three strangers. My boyfriend wasn’t allowed in the room when the procedure was taking place. The needles were more than just a pinch, that brought tears to my eyes. I had to take a break from it especially after being stretched and stretched until they can fit the suction in me. I had to catch my breath, for me at least, it was unimaginably painful. While I had the suction thing inside of me. I felt everything, everything. I screamed and cried and it was the most painful thing ever.

I was scared and what I had prepared myself was nothing compare to what I had to go through. My insides felt like they were ripped out. I’m overwhelmed and I’m overcome with guilt and I’m just disgusted by myself.
I don’t even want to be a mom. I don’t feel like i deserve to be one.

When I was recovering, my boyfriend wasn’t allowed to come in. My cramps didn’t subside as quickly as they did for others. It took a good 30 minutes before my pain went from a ten to a seven. I had four heating pads on, that’s how badly my cramps were.

Once I was able to leave, I broke down in the car and cried myself to sleep until we got home. He change the bed sheets, tucked me in and put a water bottle near me. When I woke up to my best friend and him (the two closest people I have) and some comfort food.

I read that it gets better but don’t see it happening. At least any time soon.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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One response to “Overwhelmed”

  1. Violet

    my Heart breaks for you. I know how it is to go through it once and I can’t imagine doing it again. But we are human and we make mistakes and sometimes we face consequences so big we think it’ll break us forever. It won’t. You got through it one time and you will again. It may take some time but everything will make sense at some point. One day you won’t have to make this decision and you’ll be a mother, if that’s what you want. You are not a horrible person. You are strong. You knew what was best for you and you did it. Sometimes in life we need to be selfish and make tough choices. I know it won’t be easy but you will overcome this. I believe in you and I am here for you. Stay strong.

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