Terminating a (Poorly) Planned Pregnancy

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Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Emilia

I’m a woman who has had two abortions. The first one was “an acceptable” one, the other not so. I’ve struggled with my mental health almost my whole life. My second abortion made me more depressed and anxious I have ever been. It’s been almost two years now and I still struggle to make peace with our decision to terminate.

I had my first abortion at the age of 26. I had just graduated and had my first real job. I was struggling with my mental health (OCD, panic disorder and generalised anxiety), but somehow managed to live quite a normal life. I had dated a guy eight years older than me for a couple of months. I had a huge crush on him. He didn’t want to use condoms and I didn’t bother to ask. I went to my obgyn to get contraception pills. I was waiting for my periods so I could start taking them. Until then, we were using the pull-out-method. My periods never started, and I found out we were pregnant. I immediately knew I wanted an abortion. I was only 5-6 weeks, and on an ultrasound, they could not find the embryo yet, just an empty sac. This abortion didn’t leave me with any regrets.

Fast forward to 12 years later. I met the love of my life, and he wanted a child. I have never had a baby fever or a desire to become a mother. My boyfriend started to talk about wanting a baby when we had dated less than half a year. First, I felt anxious. But as the months went by, I somehow got open to the idea of having one child. I thought it was now or never, as I was already turning 38. In December we stopped using contraception.

I had just started a new job and was stressed out. Then the pandemic hit. We all were living very strange times. We were watching the news, and I was almost hyperventilating because I didn’t want to end up in hospital with severe covid. In April when my period was supposed to start, I started to feel cramps and my breasts were sore. I remember checking my underwear, as I thought my periods were starting. At first it didn’t even cross my mind that I could be pregnant.

About a week from that it was obvious that I was pregnant. The morning sickness started, and I felt nauseous and tired all day long. I also felt like crying all the time and they sure weren’t happy tears. I took a pregnancy test, even though I already knew. The first thought was there’s no going back and as I hugged my boyfriend after taking the test, I wasn’t feeling happy. I just felt miserable and tried not to panic.

One morning I wasn’t feeling the normal morning sickness and was delighted by the thought of miscarriage. The two weeks I knew I was pregnant, I could not find any good reason why people have kids. I am a person who must share the news with friends when something exciting happens. I didn’t share the pregnancy news even with my closest friends. I’m happy I didn’t because we ended up having an abortion.

I was 8+2 weeks pregnant when I took the first pill. At that moment I was so sure I didn’t want kids. I didn’t hesitate one moment. After a week or so, I started to feel immense guilt. I blamed myself for terminating a pregnancy that was planned. It was planned poorly, but still. I went to have my hCG levels checked 2,5 weeks after I took the second set of pills. I found out my hCG levels were a bit too high (1250). I panicked again. The doctor assured me the pregnancy had ended, but the ultrasound revealed there was some placental tissue left in my uterus. I had to have a manual vacuum aspiration to empty my uterus. A couple of days from this my periods started, and the doctor said it would have emptied my uterus naturally.

After this second abortion there are days, I don’t know how to live anymore. This guilt is too much sometimes. I feel like I did something wrong by ending a possible life, even though I`m quite sure I would not have survived the pregnancy. I feel like I can`t grow anything in me for 9 months. It makes me feel sort of claustrophobic. I`m angry that I didn`t listen to my inner voice that said a pregnancy might not be a good idea. I`m trying to forgive myself, but it is so hard. I feel like I should have known better at this age.

It would be helpful and much appreciated if there are others who have terminated a planned pregnancy and would like to share their feelings on comments. I do go to therapy, but I feel like I would benefit much from peer support. A lot of love and hugs to everyone who has had to have an abortion/s.

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8 responses to “Terminating a (Poorly) Planned Pregnancy”

  1. B

    I also stopped using birth control because my husband and I were open to becoming pregnant. I am 36 and have a stable job and very happy marriage. I relate to having intuition that it wasn’t the right choice for me, but I wanted to so badly to please the people around me like my husband and my family. I also have so many friends that are parents and have felt left behind and unable to relate to their lives. I thought that when I became pregnant I would suddenly feel joy and excitement. Instead, I felt dread, fear, and an incredible sense of regret. I spent weeks talking to my counselor, my husband, and trying to stay positive. No matter how hard I tried to feel excited, I became more and more depressed. I couldn’t get out of bed and just cried all the time. I started wishing I would just die, and even thought about how I could quickly and easily end my life. I finally decided to pursue an abortion. It was the hardest decision of my life, mostly because I thought I would lose my marriage. I felt instant relief when it was over, and know I made the right decision for me. But I still feel shameful about the fact that I basically intentionally became pregnant. I have not told many people and those who knew I was pregnant thought I had a miscarriage. My husband was sad and hurt, but we’ve had some great counseling and are working through it. Most days I feel confident about my choice, but days like today I’m sorting through some hard feelings. Again, I know I made the right choice for me and I am almost certain I would have harmed myself if I stayed pregnant. But it’s complex – and today I feel a lot of shame. It means so much that you share your story. It makes me feel less alone.

    Reply
  2. Taylor

    Thank you so much for posting this because I am going through a planned pregnancy and my partner is so excited and ready to tell everyone… it’s terrifying to me and the more I think about my situation, we’re just not ready. I’m sorry that you’re feeling guilty and I hope you get through this.

    Reply
  3. Paige

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s made me feel less alone. I’m 7 weeks into a poorly planned pregnancy. I thought for so long I wanted a child, and I’ve been trying (as a single person) for years… including a few traumatic miscarriages and a lengthy period of not being able to try due to an illness which needed treatment. I had finally reached the most wonderful point – the point of happy acceptance and embracing the opportunities that a child-free life would offer – when I tested positive. I cried and cried. As the weeks have gone by I’ve tried to feel excited, but I just feel completely detached. I hate how tired and sick I feel. I’m so scared of the pregnancy continuing and equally scared of it ending, either by abortion or miscarriage. It’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt. I hope things will get better.

    Reply
  4. Dinah

    I too am in this boat. I have one kiddo who we absolutely adore but my pregnancy and birth with him was quite traumatic. Fast forward three years and I’m pregnant again,— excited at first, but now so anxious and emotional and stressed. My anxiety is so bad I am not sleeping (like at all), and my nausea is horrific. I’ve been crying off and on for a couple weeks and can’t seem to grt it together. Finally made the decision that my body/mind are not in it this time around and that I’d like to terminate the pregnancy (I’ll be 7 weeks). Unfortunately I have to wait 5 more days for the appointment which will be complete misery but it helps to know others have been through it too :/

    Reply
  5. Kate

    We have one daughter and planned a second pregnancy.

    Almost as soon as I fell pregnant my mental health cracked apart. I was having intrusive thoughts that I would not cope, we had insufficient space, insufficient money, no time, etc. I felt my life would be over. I was catastrophizing I would shake or harm the new baby and go to prison and my daughter be taken into care.

    I tried to get mental health support but it didn’t come quickly enough and I terminated at 10 weeks. Then I immediately fell apart with guilt.

    I got pregnant again immediately next cycle. I’m hoping the memory of how awful the abortion made me feel is enough that I can cling on 9mnths. I’m also going to take any drugs offered, but I feel ambivalent and confused and traumatised. You’re not alone. I’m pro-choice but having a choice shouldn’t mean leaving women alone and unsupported when they’re clinically unwell.

    Reply
  6. Dragonfly1114

    I just ended a planned pregnancy in my late-30s, like you. I’m going through the physical part of it and am worried about the emotional part.

    Reply
  7. Renee

    I am a mother of two children and I thought I wanted more. My husband and I got pregnant after one unprotected encounter. I was initially happy but as the weeks went by I started to feel a sense of dread. I was already exhausted and my mental health was up and down and the pressure of motherhood only made it worse. I ended up making the very painful decision to end the pregnancy. Not that it wasn’t wanted but because I knew that another child would put too much strain on my well-being and I didn’t want to risk how that would impact the two kids I already have. It was so hard but it was also the right thing for me and my family. Only you know what is right for you and you have to trust that you did the best thing you could for you. I am sending you strength and love.

    Reply
    1. Christine

      I needed to read this. I’m also a mom of 2 and I am coming to the realization I may have to terminate. I have been crying nonstop and my children need me to be their mom again.

      I haven’t made a decision, but thank you for making me feel less alone.

      Reply

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