Submitted by Sarah S

It’s only been 4 days since I had the surgical procedure done. I can still feel everything as if it were still happening. Those hours in the waiting room tapping my feet and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a monster.

I am 16 years old and I was there alone. Every time a nurse came out my heart would drop to my feet. “Your baby knows you love it.” That’s what I kept repeating to myself.

I love children, so why is it that when I was going to have my own I broke down? I felt completely alone. My family said that they would support me, but they were never there when I needed them. The father said he would never leave, yet once he knew the procedure was over he became a completely different person.

I don’t sleep, eat, or even smile the way I used to. Everything has become so much harder than the stacks of literature I read said it would. I read them every night. “Am I a Good Woman?”, is one of the titles on them. But, am I? I cry and get mad when I see other women posting their ultrasounds because I never got to post mine. My ultrasound will forever only be seen by me.

I was told I was a disappointment when I first let my family know. That hurt worse than when the pregnancy test came back positive. Everything has gone downhill.

I’ll never forget or forgive what I did Thursday, July 20th, 2017. Because that will forever be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ll forever carry my baby in my heart, rather than in my arms.