The Hardest Day of my Life

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by Sarah S

It’s only been 4 days since I had the surgical procedure done. I can still feel everything as if it were still happening. Those hours in the waiting room tapping my feet and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a monster.

I am 16 years old and I was there alone. Every time a nurse came out my heart would drop to my feet. “Your baby knows you love it.” That’s what I kept repeating to myself.

I love children, so why is it that when I was going to have my own I broke down? I felt completely alone. My family said that they would support me, but they were never there when I needed them. The father said he would never leave, yet once he knew the procedure was over he became a completely different person.

I don’t sleep, eat, or even smile the way I used to. Everything has become so much harder than the stacks of literature I read said it would. I read them every night. “Am I a Good Woman?”, is one of the titles on them. But, am I? I cry and get mad when I see other women posting their ultrasounds because I never got to post mine. My ultrasound will forever only be seen by me.

I was told I was a disappointment when I first let my family know. That hurt worse than when the pregnancy test came back positive. Everything has gone downhill.

I’ll never forget or forgive what I did Thursday, July 20th, 2017. Because that will forever be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ll forever carry my baby in my heart, rather than in my arms.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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