Submitted by: Kristin
It’s been a little over two months since I terminated my pregnancy, and not a day goes by that I haven’t cried and felt regret.
I am a 43 year old married woman with two young boys. My pregnancy was unexpected and and didn’t come with a great deal of happiness. A lot of it was because I knew that my husband had absolutely no desire to have another child. But I wouldn’t be honest if I said I was exactly happy about it either when I first found out.
I had thoughts of ending the pregnancy before I even told my husband. I cannot relate to the thoughts I was having just a couple months ago during few days I knew I was pregnant, because of my regret that I now have. Some of my thoughts during the time consisted of several overwhelming reasons to not have it. The stress of my two little boys has me in tears some days and I didn’t know how I would be with another. I knew the financial burden another child would have on our family. Plus, our age was also a very big factor.
My husband did express his feelings about my pregnancy, but said it was ultimately up to me. I worried that having another baby would possibly destroy our marriage. I was panicking and an absolute mess. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday and had the termination on a Friday. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I knew if I waited any longer to have the procedure, I wouldn’t do it. So I did it.
I sat there in the waiting room for nine hours before they finally took me. I could’ve changed my mind at any time and left, but I stayed there. I cannot believe that I stayed there and went through with it. The horror of what I did started the next day. I still cannot believe what I have done. I am beyond depressed but also angry and extremely resentful towards my husband. I am most upset with myself for letting it happen but am so mad that I let the desire of others have such an impact on my decision.
Now more than ever, I want a baby. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life and don’t feel like I will ever get over this. I feel like my husband should’ve been looking out for my needs. I expressed my confusion over what to do several times before the procedure and asked him daily if he had any second thoughts about wanting the baby, but he expressed zero desire, even during my moments of uncontrollable sobbing. I feel like he wasn’t looking out for me or thinking of the impact this could potentially have on my life.
I don’t know how I did what I did and wish I would’ve talked to someone else before having it done. I told only my mother and husband and felt like it was way too easy to make an appointment and have the procedure done. Almost like it was an appointment for a haircut. I am overcome with grief, sorrow and regret. This experience has made me realize I should not put others’ feelings and wishes above mine, especially with something so monumental. All I think about now is how I really did want another baby deep inside. I always did, even during the hellish times of the toddler years and this god awful pandemic. So much was due to my husband’s wants. I don’t know if I will ever get past this.