What if things were different

Since I took the pill

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Ever since I took the pill and went through the process and I’ve been feeling regret ever since.

It’s been about 2 months since I last saw my ex and that happened to be the time we weren’t careful. Soon enough, a month later and I realized my period was late. I assumed it was due to stress from the layoffs of tech companies and my grandpa being in the hospital. Then, it became more than a month and I felt like it was time to take a test. I have never bought a pregnancy test before so I did my research and picked whichever was ranked #1.

Soon enough, two tests later those double lines couldn’t come any faster. I soon shared the news with my closest friend and freaked out because my ex and I are not together anymore and now I have his child.

I thought long and hard about my decision. Could I even afford a child right now? Am I in a good place to take care of not only myself but another human being? I came to the conclusion that abortion was the best option at the time.

Two days before my appointment I decided to fill my ex in. He was definitely not expecting that type of news at 9am in the morning. However, he agreed and supported my decision. We were both separated for 5 months now and financially we were both not ready for a child.

The day of my appointment my ex was calling to check in because of work he was unable to come with me. Luckily, I had my friend come pick me up and take me to my appointment. She was supportive the whole way. She even waited in the waiting room for 3 hours!! The clinic was understaffed so we were there for a long time.

They did the ultrasound on me and asked if I wanted them to print out a photo. I said yes thinking this would be a good experience to remember. Didn’t realize the mistake I was making.

Now, I just finished the process of taking the pills and I’m struggling to flush my toilet. I was curious to see if I could find anything in my blood cloth and unfortunately I was able to see the little fetus. The nurse did warn me but curiosity got the best of me.

Is it bad that I’m feeling regret? This was inside me growing and now its out. Then, all the what ifs came piling in. It’s obviously too late to shove it back in. What if things were different and I did live in a perfect world where I could raise a child on my own. What if I did have the courage to tell my family beforehand and they were able to support me. Did I make the right decision?

My grandpa is not getting better and now I feel like I’m about to loose 2 souls. The baby and I never met and soon my grandpa. It’s weird though. I thought I wouldn’t feel anything because I never got to meet the baby or hear its first heartbeat. Some odd reason I feel a connection with it. What if this baby was the miracle. Something to bring me out of this sadness and darkness.

I know my brain says I made the right decision at that moment because I knew what was best for my future. However, my heart loves so easily and gets attached which makes letting go even harder.

Anyone have any tips for letting go? For telling my heart its okay.

All this second guessing isn’t healthy for me and soon I’m going to need that toilet back.

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5 responses to “What if things were different”

  1. EJ

    I experienced this tonight and my partner helped find resources so I could feel less alone. This was so devastating to read as it resonates so much with how I’m feeling. I hope you are well, with it being over a year since your experience now based on your post. I’m hoping time will bring my heart ease.

  2. Dani

    I relate so much.. when I found out I was pregnant there was this instant emotional tie that no one understood but me. It didn’t matter how many rational thoughts, statistics, and logical points myself and others threw at me.. my heart wanted the baby and my brain knew I couldn’t keep it. It’s almost a year later and I still struggle. I try to tell myself that I loved that baby SO much that I chose not to keep it for his or her sake. I will be a mommy to someone one day and I will never forget that baby

  3. Serena

    Yes same here going through these feelings as well and it’s incredibly hard! We will get through this.

  4. Holly

    I’m feeling this exact same pain as well, your story sounds so heartbreakingly similar to mine. You’re not alone and I’m sending you so much love

  5. Anonymous

    Can relate to this so much right now.
    I dont have any answers but I’m hearing you and feeling the same pain.

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