Two months of back and forth

Submitted by: Lyla

I found out I was pregnant on October 8th and had the abortion Saturday, December 7th, at 15 weeks pregnant — 2 months after finding out.

I feel so much guilt and shame for waiting so long. I know why they say “with these things it’s best to do it right away”, but I really couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s been the most emotionally crippling time. I’ve been paralyzed. I kept emotionally battling with thoughts on how much I wanted to be a mom, have this baby, while also at the same time being extremely scared, knowing that I wasn’t financially, physically, mentally and emotionally prepared to bring a child in this world. This would trigger a vicious cycle of internal backlash, that I should step up and stop being selfish, be an adult, because I am in my late twenties.

I ended up cancelling 3 times before finally going through with it 6 days ago. I’m hurting in ways that it’s hard to explain, but the pain comes and goes. Sometime I burst into tears because of this feeling of emptiness. I was numb the first few days.

I know that ultimately I made the right decision, but it is hard. It’s been a complete topsy turvy roller coaster. My partner has been supportive but deep down we know we aren’t in a stable place. Definitely not financially, both our families are worlds away and this news would rock both of them dramatically, as it would have been the first grandchild on both sides. I’m from Canada, his family is in Australia, and neither of us have any savings to have made this work. It has been a huge wake up call.

I hope there’s a feeling of peace for something like this.

I’m so grateful for the beautiful space exhale has created and I am glad I found it today.