Submitted by: Youarenotalone

…. make some lemonade.

But my question is, how much lemonade is enough?

At 19 I married my childhood sweetheart and we’ve been together for 13 years. We tried to get pregnant but to no avail. We did all the treatments but still nothing. My ex-husband’s frustration to have a child turned into physical, mental, and emotional abuse that I endured as much as I could until our 13th wedding anniversary, when he had a plan on how to kill me and get away with it.

So I ran to the farthest state and got divorced. I lived my life in solitary for years, then I met someone who I thought would be different. But he too wants kids, so to the treatment again I go for years and still nothing. We decided to part ways and move on with our lives. Then a miracle happened. I got pregnant. Since I want to have a child of my own, I decided to keep my child and his father came back to make us a family.

My baby was born premature and a fighter. I was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer and went through treatment. The treatment worked and life went on again.

Soon my child’s father demands marriage, and due to my past trauma, I cannot give him that, so we decided to part ways again. This time he went to a different country where I cannot demand any child support from him, which is fine.

I can support me and my baby on my own, but here comes the lemon again! I missed my period. I am very careful. I made sure to be always careful. I took two boxes of pregnancy tests and all of them are positive.

I can support my baby by myself, but another one will be tough. I cannot guarantee comfort, food and shelter, and luxury for another child.

The father cannot be reached and cannot be bothered anymore. He made sure of it unless I marry him, which is not an option for me anymore and after this fiasco. All the more reason I don’t want to be married to him or anyone.

This is why I back started with my ex-husband. Since we were childhood sweethearts, we both worked together to reach his goals. I supported him as his diligent full-time wife through his career as a doctor, and he provided life with a white picket fence. I don’t have to work a day of my life and in that perfect world, I would be able to afford three to four kids and still be comfortable. I was thinking maybe just maybe when we can turn back the time and have my born baby and the unborn one during those times then maybe my ex-husband wouldn’t resort to abusing me.

Then I wouldn’t have to let go of my unborn child…

I cried until I can’t anymore… When I received the medications and took them… I cried some more and still crying… How much lemon can anyone endure? How can I turn this lemon into lemonade when I feel like I killed a part of myself? So many painful questions that I will never have answers to….

I am going to cry and mourn, but when the sun rises again I have to toughen it up because I am not alone. My little one still needs me and depends on me. My baby’s my reason for living; the reason I will find a way to turn every life’s lemon into lemonade no matter what.

I am a survivor!!! (my daily affirmation)

We are survivors! It’s not easy but we must endure take it from a 40 something mother, sister, daughter, and friend that’s still turning lemons into lemonade.