When Life Gives You Lemons…

a few lemons and lemon slices

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Youarenotalone

…. make some lemonade.

But my question is, how much lemonade is enough?

At 19 I married my childhood sweetheart and we’ve been together for 13 years. We tried to get pregnant but to no avail. We did all the treatments but still nothing. My ex-husband’s frustration to have a child turned into physical, mental, and emotional abuse that I endured as much as I could until our 13th wedding anniversary, when he had a plan on how to kill me and get away with it.

So I ran to the farthest state and got divorced. I lived my life in solitary for years, then I met someone who I thought would be different. But he too wants kids, so to the treatment again I go for years and still nothing. We decided to part ways and move on with our lives. Then a miracle happened. I got pregnant. Since I want to have a child of my own, I decided to keep my child and his father came back to make us a family.

My baby was born premature and a fighter. I was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer and went through treatment. The treatment worked and life went on again.

Soon my child’s father demands marriage, and due to my past trauma, I cannot give him that, so we decided to part ways again. This time he went to a different country where I cannot demand any child support from him, which is fine.

I can support me and my baby on my own, but here comes the lemon again! I missed my period. I am very careful. I made sure to be always careful. I took two boxes of pregnancy tests and all of them are positive.

I can support my baby by myself, but another one will be tough. I cannot guarantee comfort, food and shelter, and luxury for another child.

The father cannot be reached and cannot be bothered anymore. He made sure of it unless I marry him, which is not an option for me anymore and after this fiasco. All the more reason I don’t want to be married to him or anyone.

This is why I back started with my ex-husband. Since we were childhood sweethearts, we both worked together to reach his goals. I supported him as his diligent full-time wife through his career as a doctor, and he provided life with a white picket fence. I don’t have to work a day of my life and in that perfect world, I would be able to afford three to four kids and still be comfortable. I was thinking maybe just maybe when we can turn back the time and have my born baby and the unborn one during those times then maybe my ex-husband wouldn’t resort to abusing me.

Then I wouldn’t have to let go of my unborn child…

I cried until I can’t anymore… When I received the medications and took them… I cried some more and still crying… How much lemon can anyone endure? How can I turn this lemon into lemonade when I feel like I killed a part of myself? So many painful questions that I will never have answers to….

I am going to cry and mourn, but when the sun rises again I have to toughen it up because I am not alone. My little one still needs me and depends on me. My baby’s my reason for living; the reason I will find a way to turn every life’s lemon into lemonade no matter what.

I am a survivor!!! (my daily affirmation)

We are survivors! It’s not easy but we must endure take it from a 40 something mother, sister, daughter, and friend that’s still turning lemons into lemonade.

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after-abortion support.

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