Why Did I Wait So Long?

Submitted by: Midge

I slipped in a puddle. And now I just want some dry pants. That is my new favorite metaphor.

I told a large handful of people. Including the the father, that I was going through with the pregnancy. I had ultrasounds. I had genetic testing. It’s a girl. She is healthy. And I still feel so uneasy about this.

He is as far from being the right one for me as they get. On the surface he is a genuinely nice person. But I have never fallen for that. I’ve always sensed something was very off putting about him, and I could never figure out what it was. People thought I was cruel and crazy for not liking him more. But he makes me feel icky.

He has been intrusive from the start. I brushed it off, thinking it was just because he really liked me. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough about my intentions. I’ve put the blame on myself for all of it. While he has stayed silent while he calculates the right thing to say. Claiming to be afraid of how I would react. In reality just trying to make sure he gets what he wants. I’m finally figuring it out. He is manipulating me. He wants a child. And he may very well try to take full custody of her at some point. Now I know why I’ve felt so uncomfortable.

Because for the first 8 weeks it was all I could do to figure out whether I want to be a mother at all, all while feeling exhausted and sick and fighting hormones and trying to juggle with all of the huge changes I would have to make to my life and my career to make it work.

I was too tired to get an abortion. I turned down the job I wanted. I went back to a job I hate, because it would be what is best for the kid. Knowing I would be doing this without being in a relationship with her dad. And regardless of what he says, not feeling I can fully trust him. I would be tied to this person, to this place, forever.

No wonder I have reached out to so many, hoping to find truth or get help processing all of this. But mostly what I have gotten is a sense of obligation to keep the pregnancy. A heavy weight of guilt if I decide not to. And a whole lot of “this is probably your only chance, you are getting too old.” I am 35. Almost 36. I have no kids. I’m a merchant marine engineer. I sail off shore and work in a hazardous engine room. I just started making ground with my career.

Do I really want to let that go to have a baby with someone that could potentially be a toxic co parent? I know she is in there. Longing to live in this world. But I don’t feel good about bringing her in to such a questionable life. I want so much better for her than this. I don’t want to “wing it” I want to be the best parent I can possibly be if I am going to be a parent. My appointment is tomorrow. I’m so scared. So scared. I don’t know how I will face myself, let alone anybody else if I go through with this. Every single thing feels so yucky and so wrong.

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One response to “Why Did I Wait So Long?”

  1. Stella

    Sending support and solidarity to you. This is so very hard. You have a right to your life and choice, you deserve happiness. Holding thoughts and space in my heart for you.

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