Submitted by: Anonymous
So here I am a week after my procedure, and let me start with, I got through it from reading the stories on here the night before. I felt alone, I felt broken and scared and insert in whatever word you’re feeling right now, I felt it. There were and there still are none of my friends that I could relate to. I know it’s nothing they said or did wrong but it’s difficult to even compare or relate unless you’ve been through it.
This is my body, my truth and my soul, and I hope it brings you some peace or reassurance or whatever you need, because that’s what this community brought me, going into the scariest and worst day of my life. So thank you.
I lived in NYC and with all the corona-ness, I escaped to come home to Texas. I was late for my period but I was on birth control and even took Plan B to be safe so didn’t think anything was wrong. However, my boobs looked too good to be true and I felt suspicious, so I took a test and it came back positive. It wasn’t someone I was dating, I mean, we were casually seeing each other but he wasn’t the one, and I knew that so I ended it before even finding out about my situation.
Moving on, Texas said abortions were not “essential” with everything going on (don’t get me started, my heart and prayers go out to every women and girl who was in my situation) so I had to make my way to Louisiana. The 4-hour drive was the worst thing I ever went through. I was always Pro-choice but never did I think I would be in the position I was in. Did I make the wrong decision? Am you an awful person? After many many thoughts and tears, no. It was not my time. One day, I’m going to be an amazing mother and I can’t wait for that day but I knew I couldn’t give the baby everything it deserved.
I was first thinking the medical way with the pill but clearly Plan B and birth control didn’t work so I wanted to leave the clinic 100% good to go, rather than experience it at home with my parents. I decided that I’d rather have the worst 10 minutes of my life than risk any human error. First day and appointment went fine. I did the tests, I didn’t look at the ultrasound, I talked to the counselor and doctor, I was good and ready to go. That night, I was numb, a million things in my head. How was I going to make it? I hate pain… Is this the right decision? My mom said she would accept whatever I wanted, that I could carry to term if I wanted and she would support it. Bless her, but I knew what I wanted.
Ok so the day came. I made a friend in the waiting room and turned out we were in the same situation. I went in and learned I had a negative blood type which meant I had to get a shot so it wouldn’t jeopardize my situation for having kids in the future and that killed me — cherry on top, to the already awful situation I felt I was in. The nurses were amazing. They made me feel like I wasn’t alone. They supported me, women I didn’t even know, stood up for me and made me feel safe. When it came to the actual procedure (and all I got was a 10mg Valium) I actually chuckled at the end because it wasn’t as bad as I thought (I was 6 weeks). You will be safe. You are STRONG. You are BRAVE. You got this.
Afterwards I felt relief. I read a bunch of things on how I would feel, but truly I felt relief and I wanted to hug myself – I did it. I was brave. I am brave, and I’m proud of myself.
This past week I felt fine and then it finally hit me last night. The tears, the questions, the wave of grief. And honestly, I was mad at myself at first, how silly was I to think all would be ok? But now, seeing clearly, it’s ok. It’s ok to be happy and sad and happy and sad again. This is your story, your truth, and the waves of emotions will come and go as they please. All I want to say is that you are not alone. Like I said, this forum brought me peace, made me feel like I had someone in my court so that’s how I hope you’ll feel. Sorry this was long, but you are amazing. However you decide to go about it, know your worth. Know it will be ok. I am in your court and you will get through it. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and know you are brave as ever regardless of how you decide to handle this.