I was given a surprise opportunity when I became pregnant. I believe pregnancy can be a special gift, an opportunity to create a new life. But I also believe you can respect and honor yourself if you are presented with the gift and decide to decline the opportunity. This decision takes bravery, honesty and a sense of responsibility that should be admired, not shamed. Just because you have the opportunity doesn’t mean it’s been presented at the right time or is even the right fit for you.
I believe pregnancy is more precious and sacred when it is seen as a process. Each trimester, each week, and each day then becomes an intentional choice to invest time, energy, and love in the most creative project: to create life. With this perspective, birthdays then become an even bigger celebration – the process is complete and a new life chooses to take its first breath.
I said “no, thank you” to the surprise opportunity even though I am a woman in her thirties who has been married to a loving, supportive husband for over six years. By society’s standards, we are likely ideal candidates for parenthood. And yet my husband and I have spent years questioning whether we genuinely want to be parents- with no societal pressure or expectations -and have been examining our true motives for parenting. When neither of us felt the special mixture of joy, anxiety and curiosity that comes when a life changing opportunity is presented, we humbly declined the opportunity to become parents at the time. It wasn’t fair to us or the potential child to not be ready or even interested or curious in the process at the time.
It was still a difficult decision to decline the opportunity. Hormones fueled negative self-talk. I felt I was being immature, that I wasn’t strong enough to be a mother, and that I was selfish (but isn’t it also selfish to bring a child into the world for your own joy?). I was angry that a chance at motherhood came at this moment in history when it doesn’t feel responsible to bring a child into climate uncertainty, political unrest, and social system collapse. My emotions swung from relief and empowerment to grief and shame. But in moments of clarity, one phrase I heard from an Exhale Pro-Choice counselor was louder than the rest: Trust yourself.
I trusted myself to say “no, thank you” to my surprise opportunity – with full gratitude and reverence – so that maybe I can say “yes, please” to a future opportunity at parenthood with more stability, confidence, hope and joy.