Everything Looks Good on Paper

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Anonymous

I just experienced my first abortion yesterday and i’m a complete emotional wreck. The title of my story is “Everything Looks Good on Paper” because I’m in a successful career as an RN, and I’ve been in a stable loving relationship with the love of my life for over 10 years. We’re engaged to be married. I’m 25 and he’s 26. It sounds like the perfect set up for a family.

The part that has me conflicted is the fact that I just simply did not feel ready for motherhood emotionally or mentally. I know I want to be a mother one day but didn’t feel like this was the time. My fiancé was on cloud 9 when I told him and was against the abortion. He’s a sweet guy who’s always loved kids and has been wanting a family for forever. For me, I’m not crazy about kids. I don’t have much experience with them at all. I’ve actually only held a baby maybe twice in my life, so I wasn’t eager to start a family like he was. I wanted to wait. He didn’t.

He kept trying to convince me that I was ready but I didn’t feel that. I tried explaining to him that the COVID-19 pandemic would also take away from the experience in my opinion. Meaning he wouldn’t have been allowed to go on any doctors visits with me due to no visitation at hospitals/clinics. I wouldn’t be able to have a “normal” baby shower or gender reveal due to the pandemic. Even if the country is opening back up, I don’t feel comfortable attending or hosting any gatherings right now or any time soon.

When I found out I was pregnant I was surprised. I didn’t feel happy about it. The idea of being a mother never grew on me. Bottom line for me was that I just did not feel ready for motherhood. I hate the fact that I felt that way, but it’s my truth. A truth that has devastated my fiancé and our relationship. My relationship is hanging on by a thread because of my decision. My fiancé is my best friend, and to know I hurt him by doing what I felt was right for me hurts me to the core.

I’m sitting here asking myself “Should I have gone along with the pregnancy even though I didn’t want it and didn’t feel ready, just to make him happy?” “Should I have prioritized his feelings and put mine on the back burner?”

It wasn’t a quick nor an easy decision to make but it felt right for me. I question myself “Why didn’t I feel ready?” “Why couldn’t I have just been happy about it like I envisioned I would?” Not to mention my daddy who’s also my best friend is battling cancer and I’m his main support person. I’m his only child and we’re extremely close. Seeing my dad go through his illness and my fiancé and I hanging on by a thread is killing me. It’s a lot all at once to deal with. I’m hoping for brighter and more positive days ahead.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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One response to “Everything Looks Good on Paper”

  1. Mia

    Hello thank you for sharing your story. I am in a very similar situation (nurse, same ages) and I also recently had an abortion due to the same feelings you had. I was NOT ready amongst many other horrible feelings. But my fiancé is ready.
    If you ever want to talk (I’d love to talk to you since we have so much in common), I’m here!
    you are so strong. And you are not alone <3

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