I have had the hardest past few months of my life but also the most life changing. And somehow beautiful. But I killed the beautiful part. I was the person here to protect them the most. And now I just have whatever I have. What a position it is when you have to decide whether or not to have a baby when you are going through so many pregnancy hormones. You can’t think straight. Everything is amplified. I was upset about losing my job, my friends, my life I built. I chose that over having my own child. It feels emptier now, everything I am working towards. Without sharing the love I have to that child with them.
I remind myself of the reasons I aborted my child. My entire life’s mission would be to care for that kid. And that would fill me with lots of love and joy. But I wasn’t being seen for the physical changes I was going through, everything I love about my life changing, not being heard on everything I was giving up. Being forced to move home in order to raise the kid. Not having a partner that saw the good in me. Unable to plan a real future raising the baby together. At all. Being told I have to be prepared to raise this child alone. I have no friends with kids. Being told this is my decision, and the main question he asked was “do you want to be a mom?” I mean… my answer was “not like this.” I was blocked on being able to visualize. I was blocked on believing everything would work out. I was told not to rely on father being in the kids life. That I wouldn’t be able to smoke weed anymore and that nothing would be about me. I felt my job disintegrate, my dream of living on the water disintegrate. Raising a kid alone in the suburbs. Still working. I did not want to have that life.
But now… yes, all those things I chose over my kid do feel trivial. I now wonder… what if things did work out with the father. I am still talking to him and hoping to get a healthy partnership and marriage together with him. To do things the right way. Live with purpose bringing a life into the world and being fun and light. But this time, with conditions that i deem fit. Weed is a non negotiable for me. If that bothers them, I will not be happy with them. Would I have a great father for my kid? Yes. Would he treat me well? I don’t know. He likes being more strict than me and I am constantly adjusting to keep the peace.
From this, I learned that I need to be more strong and lean into more Aries traits to keep a solid ground to stand on regardless of the energy moving around me. And others’ force. I can’t let that throw me off balance. My natural tendency is to relate to others.
I got my abortion at 8 weeks. If you genuinely want an abortion I recommend getting one sooner. My mother instincts came in more at week 7 .
One thing I wish someone told me before I got my abortion, is, “what do you dream of, while carrying this child?” This is question to spit out of existing in fear, I was in fear this whole time. Making a decision off your dreams helps figure out what you actually want. And disregard logistics.
I remember watching a show in the planetarium the first time I left the house, 2 days later. I cried. Looking at the expansive solar system. And how small we are. The only thing I have ever created, the only human life that I was able to form, I turned away. The world opened up for this kid, in a lot of ways. It was very serendipitous and all the signs were pointing to this kid being meant to be in this world.
With astrology, you can say that you can reject the stars, they are a guide but they aren’t your fate. I have always been one to follow the stars. This is the first time I have rejected the stars. Rejected god. What a wild thing to test this theory on. I need to genuinely believe that more will come, that another serendipitous note will come from the spiritual world in the future. That I will have an opportunity to raise a kid the way I want to in this life. But I do regret my decision. I needed to believe in myself even when my partner didn’t. And know i will still find love and be received well. That having this kid or not would not make me find love and be received more or less. That an abortion is truly clearing space and afterwards life actually continues on without the kid. I still would have found love with the kid, the kid would have helped me be more true in my alignment rather than steering me completely off course. They were in alignment with me and i failed to see the love that my future kid would give me. I was stuck in feeling the absence of love from my partner. It is sad to me that i am unprepared for a pregnancy right now. I wish i could just get pregnant again. But now i have a new set of missions. To work on my job, to live in new york, to be open to meeting a partner that is truly right for me. That is what i chose at the end of the day.
If you are a dreamy person, a spiritual person, I’m happy you read this and hope this helps you.