I’m Sorry

Submitted by: B

Today I went and got my 2nd abortion, about a year apart from each other. Both babies were unplanned, but so deeply wanted.

I love kids and have always wanted to be a mother, but I’m only 22 and I just lost my job a few days ago. My boyfriend has a lot of issues with mental illness, and while I love him so much, he’s in no place to be a father emotionally. We still rent a room out of my moms house, so financially we’re not that great off either.

We originally planned to keep this one and I already announced it on social media and to my family, and now I’m not sure what to tell people when they ask me about it. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I somehow already miss this baby, and the process isn’t even over yet. I can’t stop crying.

I write this while laying in bed next to my boyfriend as he sleeps, like everything is fine, but my heart is just shattering over and over. He doesn’t understand. I don’t even know what to do with all the grief and shame that I feel. I feel like I’ve made a horrible mistake. If I could’ve just been a little stronger emotionally for my baby, this wouldn’t be happening. But I was terrified.. terrified of doing this alone, terrified my boyfriend would leave and I would be a single mom. That I would not have enough money and not be able to give my baby a good life.

I keep looking at the ultrasound photo, holding my stomach and just sobbing and apologizing to this fetus that can’t even understand me. I feel so stupid like I’m just talking to myself, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I still think about my first abortion and how horrible I felt about it, how ashamed and how much I truly was disgusted with myself.

Now here I am a year later, even though I was taking the pill. I somehow managed to go and get knocked up again, and I feel like a monster. I feel like I’m cursed and I’ll never get to be happy, be a mother and have a family like I’ve always dreamed of.

I can’t talk to my family about it, and my boyfriend just gets defensive like I’m blaming him. He isn’t a good support system, and I know I should probably leave him, but I just can’t bare to do it right now. I need someone, just literally anyone, so I’m clinging onto him for life, even though he’s mean. He doesn’t get why I feel this way. To him it’s just a simple little pill, a little bit of blood and cramps, and then poof, all our problems are gone and we can be happy and normal. To me it’s soul crushing.

He promised me when I got my first abortion I would never have to do this again. All I can hear in my head is him telling me that over and over again, knowing now what a lie that was. I truly never thought I would be in this situation again. I couldn’t justify having this baby right now with my financial situation, his emotional state, and our relationship on the rocks, but I am so so sorry and I will probably never forgive myself.

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One response to “I’m Sorry”

  1. O

    Hi, I see you, I hear you.

    It has been 8 years since I had my termination, I was 24. It was painful and soul crushing. I felt I would never get to be happy and afraid I might not ever get to be a mom as I had always hoped but when the time was right. My boyfriend at the time also was not supportive. I probably should have left as well but know how you feel about needing someone, especially someone that you think would mostly resonate and empathize with the experience since they have been mostly part of it all. I had a lot of suppressed sadness and resentment that I have recently finally started to work through. I wish I would have worked on and mourned sooner before I was pregnant again, but I have faith that my journey was how it was meant to be. I have two children now and even though my journey into motherhood has been emotionally painful and confusing, stemming in part from that abortion and part from marrying that unsupportive boyfriend (maybe I wanted redemption or a do over IDK) but parenting with him is tough and I might end up being a solo parent anyways. However, I still know it was the right decision the. and I have come to process most of it now and I am happy and blessed to be momma to the kids that I have now. Know that life does continue that it is okay to feel like you do now, you are mourning so many things. I hope life will get and feel better for you.

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