Submitted by: B

Today I went and got my 2nd abortion, about a year apart from each other. Both babies were unplanned, but so deeply wanted.

I love kids and have always wanted to be a mother, but I’m only 22 and I just lost my job a few days ago. My boyfriend has a lot of issues with mental illness, and while I love him so much, he’s in no place to be a father emotionally. We still rent a room out of my moms house, so financially we’re not that great off either.

We originally planned to keep this one and I already announced it on social media and to my family, and now I’m not sure what to tell people when they ask me about it. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I somehow already miss this baby, and the process isn’t even over yet. I can’t stop crying.

I write this while laying in bed next to my boyfriend as he sleeps, like everything is fine, but my heart is just shattering over and over. He doesn’t understand. I don’t even know what to do with all the grief and shame that I feel. I feel like I’ve made a horrible mistake. If I could’ve just been a little stronger emotionally for my baby, this wouldn’t be happening. But I was terrified.. terrified of doing this alone, terrified my boyfriend would leave and I would be a single mom. That I would not have enough money and not be able to give my baby a good life.

I keep looking at the ultrasound photo, holding my stomach and just sobbing and apologizing to this fetus that can’t even understand me. I feel so stupid like I’m just talking to myself, but I just can’t shake this feeling. I still think about my first abortion and how horrible I felt about it, how ashamed and how much I truly was disgusted with myself.

Now here I am a year later, even though I was taking the pill. I somehow managed to go and get knocked up again, and I feel like a monster. I feel like I’m cursed and I’ll never get to be happy, be a mother and have a family like I’ve always dreamed of.

I can’t talk to my family about it, and my boyfriend just gets defensive like I’m blaming him. He isn’t a good support system, and I know I should probably leave him, but I just can’t bare to do it right now. I need someone, just literally anyone, so I’m clinging onto him for life, even though he’s mean. He doesn’t get why I feel this way. To him it’s just a simple little pill, a little bit of blood and cramps, and then poof, all our problems are gone and we can be happy and normal. To me it’s soul crushing.

He promised me when I got my first abortion I would never have to do this again. All I can hear in my head is him telling me that over and over again, knowing now what a lie that was. I truly never thought I would be in this situation again. I couldn’t justify having this baby right now with my financial situation, his emotional state, and our relationship on the rocks, but I am so so sorry and I will probably never forgive myself.