Submitted by: Stella
I am struggling. It’s been 6 months. I have been through every emotion. As I work through the stages of grief, coming to acceptance is perhaps the hardest of all.
I made the choice to end my only pregnancy at 44 because my partner could not commit to parenting. It was not just him, I too was so so unsure. I also wanted the life we were building back, and felt the pressure and weight of this enormous life choice.
But how could I forsake this child and motherhood? I think I acted out of fear, I think I panicked when faced with the choice of changing our lives forever. I feel my partner should have better protected me and the baby. I was vulnerable, hormonal, having to make the choice alone. How do I live with this?
My partner is a good man, he really is. It’s so fair to feel unprepared to take on parenting in your 50s (his age). He was not going to leave, he expressed support and commitment if I wanted to go ahead, but he was not happy or enthusiastic, he felt it was too much of a risk to our relationship, to healthy aging, even to the child’s needs. I internalized that fear, it drove me, perhaps too much.
Lots of people have successful families later in life. Once the child was born the baby would have changed our fears into to love. Now I can’t stop reliving the choice and moments where I could/should have acted differently. Now I am struggling to love both my partner and myself. But I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to lose everything. Sometimes I feel so lost.