Submitted by: Sophie
I fell pregnant at the end of 2019, and had my abortion at almost 10 weeks on the 14th January 2020. I was 19 at the time and am still at university.
Only my boyfriend and a couple of friends knew about the pregnancy, and me and my boyfriend had only been together about 4 months at this point. I still struggle a lot to talk about it, but I’m starting to think I need some help from people who understand what it’s like.
The day that I found out, I was so happy. I’d always wanted kids and couldn’t wait to meet my little one, but after speaking to my boyfriend who made it clear he would prefer not to have a child just yet, and my friends who just didn’t understand, the pregnancy became more of an anxiety-inducing burden than an excitement.
I took about a month to make the decision to get the abortion, by which time there were no appointments until mid-January, and I was heading back to my parents (who had no idea I was even pregnant) for Christmas. I spent the entirety of Christmas trying to hide my teeny weeny bump that was starting to appear, and pretending to be happy and ‘normal’.
After the abortion I had some complications, which lead to the pain and regret of the abortion being dragged out. I started to feel like I was being punished in some way.
I try to tell myself that I made the right decision — that I can’t financially support a baby while at uni (I’m on an expensive course and I struggle with money even on 2 jobs) — that it’s not the right time, that I don’t have the support around me from my family that I would need in order to raise a child.
My boyfriend was amazing and so supportive all the way through, but for him I feel like as soon as the baby was gone, it was over. Whereas I can’t help feeling like maybe I made the wrong choice, and I keep thinking about what might have been if I had kept the baby. Now what would have been my due date is coming up and I can feel myself slipping further and further into a depression (I have suffered from depression and anxiety a lot in the past), and I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to.
Although my friends try to help and comfort me, I can tell they are sick of hearing about it, especially so many months after having the abortion. I know that even though they try they just don’t understand what I am feeling.
I really don’t know what to do, people are starting to notice that I am not myself and that I’m slipping backwards, but I feel like I need to pretend that I’m fine all the time.
After the due date has passed will I start to be over it? What if I did make the wrong decision and I’ll feel this way forever? Does it start to get easier to deal with after a while?